Private Tales Lost It To Trying

[Rhidian]

Rhidian shook his head.

What had he seen in her?

"Leave then. Suddenly, I don't want to hang out with a raging bitch." He did not say what he would do to see his family again, and the Academy had almost half a set of the Urahil House.

"Go on, fuck off and push away more people, Urahil."

 

[Odessa Urahil]

Her eye twitched at his sudden boldness. "Unfortunate for you, I'm not at liberty to up and leave when I feel like it." She stopped and turned to face him. "You'll learn that in the coming months. If you haven't already. Forget your autonomy. Your wants and needs, Rhidian, none of them matter."

Odessa's brow furrowed in frustration. "The Academy owns you now. You are property. A little soldier like the rest of us. There is no out. No leaving when you get your feelings hurt."

She paused for a second. "Unless you wish for death or imprisonment. Unfortunately neither pique my interest, so I'll stay right here with you."

 

[Rhidian]

Great. He was stuck with Her Royal Bitch just a little longer then.

"Fine." He bit on his lip and finalised his horse before mounting. "Keep your eyes out for---" He turned the list over, seeing another note in the scrawling handwriting that he knew to be Perrine Urahil's.

Dreadlords wanted to test your magic. Thought you might need the excuse to get away. Do not mind Odessa, she is really lovely really.

- P. Urahil​

Rhidian crumpled the note. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Does the Proctor write you excuses to miss classes or missions a lot of the time?" He asked, as if this were Odessa's fault, not his known distaste for playing tricks on command by those interested in his magic.

Odessa Urahil

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"Huh?" Odessa waited for whatever it was she was supposed to keep her eyes out for. Plants? Elves? Wild dogs? Spit it out already. She thought, watching him turn the paper over and read it. She sighed as she waited. Each snowflake that began to fall from the sky reminding her of yet another minute wasted.

Her head cocked to the side as he crumpled the paper. Not the best way, in Odessa's opinion, to store a document they needed to read.

"I..uh...what? No?" She was genuinely confused by his questioning. "Not really, no. I think they only classes I've missed were due to injuries the nearly killed me. But, really, there has never been an excuse to allow me to miss anything otherwise. Why, what's up? What was on the paper?" Her horse changed paths, turning so she faced Rhidian as she reached out, making an attempt to grab the paper before he could tell her what he read.

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian held out the note to Odessa when their horses met halfway. "So your cousin isn't protective? Looking out for you ever?" Why include him in such protections?

The answer came as quickly as he thought of the question.

Rhidian sighed and ran a hand down his face before brushing the falling snowflakes off his head. "She still thinks I am not ready." He wasn't sure whether he should feel grateful or annoyed. He wasn't going to flare up in anger when other Proctors and Dreadlords came to check on his progress.

"I can control myself... and I am doing much better than I did when I had first arrived." Rhidian lifted his gaze to meet Odessa, stare hardened with definite hints of anger.

Odessa Urahil

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"Oh no, she is. Far too protective." Odessa grabbed the note. "Pretty sure father paid the Academy a hefty sum to make sure she could hold a position here, no matter how meaningless and miniscule. He wanted someone to keep an eye on us." She crumbled the paper back up and tossed it back to him. "Leander, really. There's not much she can do for me. Like all other healing, I am immune to hers. I know it frustrates her. She can't protect half of the people she is supposed to keep out of a grave."

She noticed the boy seemed...she stared at him for a moment while he sighed and displayed an emotion Odessa couldn't properly read. Uncomfortable? Maybe.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently, the same warmth from their previous night radiating from her as she spoke. "I would not allow Perrine to choose when I am ready for anything." A genuine giggle escaped her lips. Her eyes locked onto his, although the bright blues finally seemed to match that of the calm waters. "Do you feel ready?"

She refrained from pulling her hand away while continuing. "If you let Perri decide when you are ready, you'll die of old age. She is here to protect, but I fear sometimes her protective measures are too proactive."

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian turned his head to see her hand at his shoulder. He was quiet, turning his gaze back to Odessa.

"Anger is the ugliest emotion I have to face and... I am no good at handling it. She knows this. Bet it's some Healer sense..." Or the fact she was an experienced Dreadlord. There had to be a way she survived the Academy, not at all the story she told those that asked.

"Fuck Dess... It's been only months since I came here and I don't think I can ever live up to the expectations they are putting on me. A year? To do what? Explode? Kill en masse? I want more than that. I want to be powerful and not made into someone's last resort."

He stared at her, just like he did the day before. "You... She put us together so that I could train on my own. You can't be harmed just like Proc can heal... You're perfect." He blurted before reconsidering his choice of words.

Odessa Urahil

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"I think most people would find anger unpleasant. If you cannot control it, the Academy can give you things...medications...whatever it is to suppress it." Many classmates had dabbled (were forced) with the strange pills. "Though, they rarely seem to work. Ysobel's turned her into nothing but an immobile husk of a girl when she took them. Poor thing was useless on the battlefield if she couldn't let her emotions bubble over...so to speak."

She gave him another squeeze. "I struggle to understand some emotions. The ones that really make you feel. Perhaps anger is that way. But for me, it is necessary. I have no fear because I cannot comprehend it." She didn't know quite where she was going with her spiel and stopped herself, letting him continue.

"Well...to be frank...yes. That is exactly what they want from you. That is what you have to offer so they want to turn you into a weapon they can better control, you know?" She shrugged. She didn't have a better answer to his question. "I think we all want to be powerful, but knowing your place doesn't mean you are the last resort. I would say it makes you more valuable."

She knew her answers were likely a disappointment, but she was honest with him. Just like before and just like she would be any time after. She looked back up into his eyes while he decided to blurt out possibly the most ridiculous thing he could have put together in that pretty little head of his.

You're perfect.

Her cheeks turned that same stupid shade of pink. "I...um...yeah...so...I guess it is the perfect situation for you to practice your skills..." She pulled her hand away. "I never actually got a chance to read her list...or was it really only that note?"

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian could not help but smirk at the colour on her cheeks, knowing it was not from the cold. He took her hand into his own, pulling it from his shoulder and holding it for a moment before letting it go.

"We should head back... stop on the way and get some training in. Only if you want to help me work on my magic." There was a tone there, the same he used when they had gotten into the tent. But Rhidian kept his face serious, distant. Whatever he felt for Odessa, it surely was to wear off at some point.

He already made the mistake of sleeping with her, but what else was he to do when a pretty girl was willing to pass the time? It certainly was not the first time he did something like that with anyone.

 

[Odessa Urahil]

Odessa's eyes narrowed, but not from irritation for once. Rather, confusion and curiosity as she tried her best to read his emotions. The way he gently held onto her hand in combination with the softness of his voice suggested more than his words did. But, like most always, Odessa could not differentiate between the two.

"Yeah...I guess you're right." She sighed, watching her hand fall to her side. "Or..." She paused, considering that Perrine had given the pair whatever length of time deemed necessary to pick plants. "There is a town nearby. We could waste time and money there if you're up for it."

She had already turned her horse around to set off towards the townscape in the distance. "If you insist on training, we can exercise your abilities to not blow up a village...or we can just stay a while. Imagine a bed that doesn't feel like sleeping on a sack full of hay." She was getting excited at the thought of such luxury. Perhaps Leander had forced their father and the Academy into giving him the luxuries he was used to at home, but Odessa was never afforded such frivolous items. It was like she was simply the Urahil afterthought some...most days.

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian scoffed. "You mean you can waste money." He had none, besides the small pittance given to him by the Academy or... someone. His family could not afford to send him funds frequently, but he had always reassured them he'd be right. His friends tended to pick up the tab, and although he felt guilty for it, he began to realise some Initiates had money to spare.

Like the nobles.

"Really, I am fine with heading back to the Academy. We have beds back there unless you unfortunately ended up with stone instead of a soft bed." Neutrality fell onto his facade, but there was humour in his slate grey eyes.

Odessa Urahil

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"No, we can." Odessa rolled her eyes, refusing to stop her journey to the eastern village. "I don't care if you're fine. We are going. I have money that we can spend. Too much for one person." And yet, she still received less than her twin brother.

Her head turned, but still she continued along. "Yes, we have beds back at the Academy but we do not have an excuse to waste the coins weighing in my pockets there. I have no use for half of the luxuries in the village...I mean have you seen my room?"

She stopped herself. Of course he hadn't. And she would ensure it stayed that way. Nevertheless she would describe it for him. "It's barren of most things other people have. A bed doesn't provide me comfort like it does you. Leander has some extravagant beast of a bed...imported from whatever foreign city had those large birds with the softest feathers. Same for other things people take pleasure in using to relax in the off chance we are given a moment alone to rest. They provide nothing to me, but you," Her head turned back to face forward. "You can be the latest waste of my allowance. Tell me, what do you enjoy?"

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian grimaced, but rolled his eyes all the same at her insistence. "Alright then." He agreed, guiding his horse to follow Odessa's direction.

"You sound like Quinnick, you know?" The noble Initiate that attached herself to his friend Silas was always jumping in to pay for things if they ever found themselves needing to pay. Rhidian wondered what her allowance was like, the fact she never needed to ask what the end cost was before going through her coin purse.

"What do I enjoy...?" He asked aloud, pondering. Telling her he was interested in swordplay, getting together with friends, drinking... that was not probably what she had been wondering about him. Odessa probably wanted something new, an actual answer from him that he had to think over. "I enjoy... cooking. My mother and sister taught me when I was young, so I could help out with the dinners each night. I liked going to the market, buying the ingredients and spending time to cook a meal for my family." Rhidian raised a brow at her. "You got taste buds?"

 

[Odessa Urahil]

Odessa gagged loudly, dramatically. "Never compare me to Quinnick again." There were few things more disgusting to be compared to than one of, what she presumed to be, her brother's many conquests and a woman of lesser status than her. "You're already making me regret my generosity."

She only joked, although sometimes her tone would hide her humor and favor her aggressive nature.

"Yes, what do you enjoy? What do you do?" Her voice trailed in the air while he thought of the answer he had to give. And his answer did surprise her. "Unfortunately, I do." She half-chuckled. "I've been suffering through the same food as you and the other initiates. Though, sometime I do suspect that my perception of flavor does differ from you all."

She was unsure. Genuinely unsure if what she "tasted" was the same as Rhidian, or if it was her mind playing tricks as she watched the others grimace at the bland sludge they fed the initiates.

"Is that the first thing you wish to splurge on? Ingredients? I wonder if we can persuade an inn to let us use their kitchen..."

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian warmed to the whole idea now.

He lifted a brow, looking to Odessa. "If you manage that, I would like to test your taste." He knew the right spices to you, the right basic meal made better with a few additions. There was still something in him that wished to impress this girl, someone that seemed a different person once they were alone in a tent together.

"You a dessert girl? Savoury? I need to build a menu around you." He grinned, shooting her a look to see if she was on board with the idea.

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"I'm sure I can manage..." She rolled her eyes. A little self harm went along way, but then again so did an endless supply of coin she cared not to deal with. Either of which she was prepared to spare in order to give Rhidian some semblance of normalcy.

Her posture seemed to relax as she rode along, conversing as though their previous night had not happened. As though she somehow found him to be a close friend.

She twisted slightly to look at him as he questioned her tastes. "I've never thought of it, I suppose." She said after several seconds. "Spicy?" She stated, although with the inflection at the end it was obvious she was uncertain. "Leander never could hand hot foods, but maybe it is because I can't feel the pain that they aren't too horribly bad. Of course, I'd rather you make something you enjoy."

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian wished he could be surprised by her answer, but as he thought on it, the more it made sense. It made him chuckle, and again, they were back to how things were before the night.

"Spice... I can work with spice." He drifted a moment, thinking of what common spices a kitchen should have for him to work with. "My family are built on it. Used to hate it as a child but my parents said it made me strong. I actually think I still don't like it, just built my tolerance some." Like any guardsman should take to any training. Building strength slowly over time.

He reached a hand and patted the neck of his horse. "What else do you like to eat?"

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"I have no doubts it would make you stronger. So many steer far, far away from spices. I don't understand it though. How bad could it possibly hurt?" A bewildered look accompanied her commentary, giving Rhidian the first real glimpse into how she worked. "Not real bad, I reckon, if people are still cooking with it, right?"

They were closing in on the small town when he asked his next question. Another one that made Odessa pause in thought. What did Odessa like to eat? What did Odessa like at all? A question that would frustrate Odessa the more she would think of it in the coming days. "I...don't quite know. Not the mush at the academy, I suppose." There were possibly more things she disliked than liked.

"It is hard to like things." She thought aloud. "When you can experience so few. And what you can experience is dampened by your own nature. If that makes sense..." She looked to his face, trying to judge how he was feeling as she spoke. "I've only ever experienced what other people experience a few times. When my brother used his powers to be a dick." She paused. "He can negate magic. I don't know if my cousin told you that."

She sort of shook her head, the hurt on her face fading back into a neutral expression. "I'm sorry. I got off track. To answer your question, I don't actually know. I really only ever eat because it is a necessity these days."

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian grinned to himself as Odessa got lost on a tangent, finding it endearing she was capable of speaking so seamlessly about her experience with food. He got caught up in staring at her, only just ducking down under a low laying branch his horse chose to steer him towards, but still he looked to her as she spoke and finally came to a conclusion on his question.

"Then I think it is my duty that if we both get time away from the academy, we explore what cuisine you like most. Dream city would be Vel Lameus. Some of the guard that were stationed in Hetren had done a stint there and spoke about the glorious flavours and different cuisines famous in other Arethil cities." He had dreamed of traveling with his family there one day, if they all managed to take the time to make such a journey.

Odessa Urahil

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"Is that really all you desire to do? Perrine will give me all of the time I want, away from the academy. I can give you riches beyond your wildest dreams..." Her voice...she sounded confused. An expression on her face seemed to, for once, match the voice accompanying it. "And you choose...to feed me..." The edges of her lips twitched into an amused smirk.

"You are odd."

Some may think it mortifying, Odessa an unfeeling voodoo doll of a woman, calling them odd. But as she stared at him, taking in the details of his face- a transition from boyish charm to something more mature- it was clear that this was Odessa's idea of a compliment.

Bizarre, but very sincere.

"I am sorry if my reactions or my words have offended you." Her face snapped back forward. His voice, calling her a raging bitch, still lingered in the air. She deserved it. The Academy had not been kind to her. Her family, save for Perrine, had not been kind to her. Sometimes, her rage was misdirected and her unkind feelings were directed far from those who inflicted them on her. "You did not deserve that."

She carefully examined her hand, the skin which had appeared necrotic at the tips of her fingers now back to normal, ivory. For a moment she wondered what it felt like- for those who were truly tainted by Ivan's rot. She wondered if it was painful. What pain was like. A thought she quickly shook from her head. The screams which haunted her were enough warning that it must not have been pleasant. Not the same sensations Rhidian must have felt during their night together. And just before the thoughts left her head, she considered what the difference was between pain and pleasure. She was jealous that she would never know.

"Are you the only person with magic in your family?" Odessa broke what seemed like a long silence in her head. No doubt he'd known three Urahils, all of whom had been gifted with some power. And knowing there were more Urahils outside of the academy, it was a natural, and correct assumption that they too harnessed some sort of magic. "Brothers...Sisters..." She trailed off.

 

[Rhidian]

"Not many from Vel Hetren have magic... even in the age of the Revolution, those that do are still sent away to the Academy." It was a tough realisation when he first woke up in the infirmary of the Academy, his father smiling at him before giving his farewell.

"My mother and older sister are more magical than I. They are medics and I think that itself is true magic. Other than that? Nah. Just me. If I wasn't becoming a Dreadlord, I would have followed in the footsteps of my father and uncle and joined the Guard. Learn medical from my mum and sister. Nothing wrong with family tradition." He chuckled wryly. Rhidian was the first Dreadlord in their little town outside of Hetren, and judging by the letters his sister sent him, they were all so proud of him being a Dreadlord Initiate.

His lessons with Alistair Krixus gave him time to realise that he had potential, his own legacy to build now. The Vaughns were always well off in terms of serving the Guard in Vel Hetren, but now Rhidian was destined for more.

"So... what is your future as a Urahil entail? Dreadlord duty or the reserves?"

Odessa Urahil

 

[Odessa Urahil]

"Hmm..." Her noise expressed her thoughtfulness as he spoke. "Medics..." She mimicked him. "It was no wonder you seem so fond of Perrine, then. That explains it all." A quiet chuckled followed followed by the pang of guilt she felt in her stomach after how she did not speak well of her cousin.

Another chuckle at family tradition. She let him continue before offering her thoughts and answering his question. "You'd think the Urahils would have many family traditions. Kress knows, there's enough of us to throw some killer parties. Really, we don't have any. They sort of stopped when my mother died. Nothing worth celebrating, at least." Her mouth twitched, fighting a frown. "I do imagine that Leander would one day start a whole host of traditions when he grows up some. Then again, I expect anything to be surrounding how great he is. Perhaps a gold statue for his future children to worship and their children after."

She laughed, a loud cackle that spooked a bird nearby.

"As for my future..." She still sounded quite chipper as she spoke, forcing her horse to pick up the pace. "I expect I'll be dead before graduation. Least I hope so." Odessa and her horse trotted faster and faster, closing in on the gates of the village in sight.

 

[Rhidian]

Rhidian had thought about it before, how Perrine reminded him of parts of his sister. His trust in her was easier than the other Proctors, but he also knew he wouldn't be guilty if his magic had hurt her. He could trust her when she said she was a great healer, just as Carlyn would say she was a great medic whenever she stitched up his wounds from training.

"You seem to know an awful lot of your brother's future than your own."

And he didn't say anything immediately when she spoke of her own demise. His horse followed the same speed her horse did, waiting until they were well past the gates leading into the village grounds to speak. "But what if you survive? What would you want to achieve in your life after the Academy? You will be in the care of the Guards, at their whim and order. Not your family. Forge your own path like I will be doing." He shrugged.

 

[Odessa Urahil]

His question was something Odessa contemplated answering as she rode, trying to think of the proper words to describe what little she could feel.

"You'd learn a lot, too, living in your twin's shadow." Her voice did not hint towards any malice aimed at Leander. "Perhaps he'd plant a Calla lily in my memory, just beside his golden statue." A flower no one would remember the story- or the meaning- behind. Odessa knew that the lily thrived in sunlight, but it seemed only right that as the patterns of the sun changed and the shadows shifted, the Odessa flower would be threatened by the statue's shadow over it. Just as Leander's magic had been a threat to Odessa's own life. He alone, as far as Odessa knew, was the only person able to completely negate magic. The same magic Odessa required to continue living. And despite the bloody bond she made with Lothar and all her empty threats, Odessa knew that she would never turn on family.

But what if you survive.

It hadn't been something Odessa considered. Her shoulders mimicked Rhidian's own in a lazy shrug. "I was never meant to." They approached a stable and would leave their horses in the care of the stable hands. "I'd been a sickly child from birth. They never thought I would survive my first winter. I was just another useless mouth to feed. I died when I was four. It was rough for my mother...even worse when I came back." She spoke as she walked the loose cobblestone path. "Everyone seemed to regret me even more after that."

Still, her voice did not give away any feelings of sadness or ill will. "The Academy has killed me a thousand times over. It gets exhausting and sometimes I look forwards to those moments of peace in the darkness. The nothingness. I think one day I won't come back. Maybe I won't want to come back. I don't now how it will happen. I'd always imagined dying at Leander's hands again. He would probably finish the job and I could have my peace beside the statue. And he could have all the glory of being the most powerful Urahil."

"I think I would like to have that peace again."

 

[Rhidian]

Hearing her speak, recounting the numerous times she was failed in her life... He knew what it would take for her to change perspective. Why was he willing to save this girl who only wished to die, to be free? Had he not shared those very thoughts the moment he was broken bones and bleeding wounds, experiencing a high that came with immeasurable pain?

Let me die... kill me, end me.

He remembered the fight leaving him, what it felt to truly give up.

But like his magic coming out of it's slumber, he would give Odessa a new sense of purpose to life.

"Well, for better or for worse, you and I are... on the beginnings of friendship. Never met your brother, and thank Kress I haven't, because you, Odessa Urahil, have captivated me." He nudged her, walking alongside the light blonde Initiate. "Besides, I want to keep as many of my friends alive. You don't get that many in life..." And he felt something for her unlike anything he felt for any other girl. Last night, in all it's delightful outcome, had meant so much to him. It was waking up to her leaving him that sparked something in him... but here they were again, right back at the start.