Private Tales Brothels and Broken Things

[Lexi Quinzell]

You broke him.

The thought was a loud roar in her ears as he spoke. She could feel it in the way his heart still hammered against his chest and the hitch in his words - the way his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. Why had she spoken about Rose after the man had confessed his love for her? How in the hell was he going to feel about that other than hurt? She sat up when he stood and she watched quietly as he began to pull on his breeches. How did she get him to stay? He would stay if she asked, of that she was certain, but she didn't want to trap him in here if he wanted some air.

But she couldn't let him go like this.

Lexi half stumbled off the bed in her haste to catch him before he stepped out the door. She grabbed his hand and, forgetting her strength almost, pulled him back towards her. She didn't allow him to speak if he attempted to give her more words which were lies about how he was doing just fine. Instead she pulled him down into a kiss. One hand slid around his hips to press against the small of his back whist the other cupped his jaw, her fingers pressing slightly into his neck in a possessive hold. Her lips claimed his, sought to brand him with all the emotions she had clearly failed to express with words. With her body flush against his her teeth grazed against his lower lip then when he groaned she pushed her advantage and slid her tongue past his guard to start a wicked dance.

Her fingers dug slightly into his flesh, pulling at him as a small whimper escaped her. Begged him to recognise how she felt about him. She had never been good with words.

 

[Cassian]

Cassian had been about to speak when her lips collided with his. He frowned and reached to set the bottle back down, accepting the kiss for a moment before melting into it and returning it with a burning fury. His head was a fucking mess, but this, this he was sure of. He'd never not want this. He crouched to pick her up off of her feet, his lips never leaving hers and he growled as her fingers dug into.

He didn't know if it was pity, or if it was her way of expressing how she felt, but he didn't care either way right now. He carried her to the bed and lowered her onto it to climb over her, arms anchored to the bed at either side of her, caging her there as his lips frantically explored her skin and he was quickly back out of his clothes. He hoped she'd cast her spells, he didn't plan on keeping quiet...

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

A soft sigh as he picked her up and her legs came up to wrap about his waist, but she didn't stop the kiss. Not for one moment. She gave him more and demanded more from him in return. She was still dressed only in his shirt so she didn't have much to lose - truly there had been no need for him to tear it like that - but gone it was and quickly too. He boxed her in and usually such a dominated action would drive her into a rage but tonight it drove her wild. Lexi knew what she liked and she knew how to get what she liked, their coupling in the past had always been equal or she had been given the upper hand by sheer strength alone but tonight...

Tonight she submitted entirely to him. Willingly. She gave herself like she had never done before and she cared not if it would lead to heartbreak and pain. The destination was not her problem it was the journey. These moments. His love. Him. She would cherish it all and hold it close. The barbs around her heart would keep him out no more.

Whilst the rest of the crew slept and dwindled the hours away in the lazy throws of those recovering from a fight the two of them spent themselves to the point of exhaustion.

Her skin was slick with sweat by the time they finally parted. Her face nuzzled into his neck and gently kissed at a blazing red mark she had left there. She had more than her share of them dotted over her neck and breasts so she thought they were even.

"I am all yours," she whispered her promise into her brand upon his skin.

 

[Cassian]

Cassian hadn't failed to notice how willingly she'd submitted to him, and he took what she offered so freely. There was never any call to question their sexual escapades, they were never dull, never unfulfilling. It was impossible for him to keep his emotions out of it, an internal battle of his anger, his hurt and his love for her all mingled together and drove him to the point of physical and mental exhaustion.

His battle continued as he lay panting desperately for air and she nuzzled and kissed him, the words she spoke against his burning flesh.

Is she? Not all of her...You'll never have all of her, you don't deserve any of her. She pities you because you're fucking pathetic, she should have left you on that fucking street.

He looked down at her, wondering how he could have allowed himself to want something so badly, but it was difficult not to. Much of his time with her had been infatuation, but he thought of her sitting reading to him and realised it had been when he'd known it. His heart was entirely hers.. She's going to fucking crush it.

She already had, at least a little, but it had been entirely his own fault for telling her how he'd felt in the first place. He couldn't blame her, and yet still it was difficult to ignore the anger that stemmed from the pain he felt right now.

"And I yours." he answered finally and pressed a kiss firmly down on her head.

"But I do need that air.." he laughed under his breath, hoping to settle her mind and stop her taking it the wrong way. He was soaked in sweat and scalding hot, now he had better reasons to leave the cabin. He kissed her again and rolled out of bed to pull on his breeches again.

Subtly, he lifted the rum bottle from the table, and turned to offer her a more genuine smile than he had before as she lay there like that. She was stunning, but right now that only made him ache that bit more. He offered a wink, one last lie that he was fine, and wandered out onto the deck.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi made a small noise of protest when he left the bed but she was too tired to go after him. The exhaustion from her spell still lingered and now joined with the feeling that her bones were molten lava she was destined for sleep. She watched him through half lidded eyes as he pulled on his breeches but her lips pressed a little more firmly together when she clocked the rum bottle going with him. She bit her tongue and allowed her head to fall back into the soft pillows of the bed instead. It was an agony to let him go but she understood he needed it.

As the door shut softly behind him she shut her eyes and let out a shaky breath. Thoughts whirled in her mind analysing the conversation they had had before. Why hadn't she just accepted his words like any normal woman would have when they heard an admission of love? Why had she had to push him and hold herself back?

Because of the job. A broken leader is no good to anyone.

Hot tears pricked behind her eyes and she turned her face into the pillow in a hope to smother it the small sob before it escaped.

Out on the deck the sun was at the point that suggested it was late afternoon. It was still quiet. Tryst lay out on deck snoring his head off with both Red and the Ships Cat laid out on his chest to catch the ray of sun. Alec and Peter were playing a quiet game of dice and they glanced up as Cassian stepped out, raised a hand in greeting before returning to what they were doing. Aeleanora and Kain were nowhere to be seen. Mitch was by the wheel, puffing on a pipe and staring out at the quiet waves ahead of them. He glanced over to Cassian when the man picked his way across the ship.

"Well tha'sa look kid," he grumbled, glanced to the bottle and then back to the waves. "There's some more if ya need it lad."

 

[Cassian]

He squinted in the sunlight and offered a silent nod to the boys before he looked toward the voice and lifted a hand to shield his eyes from the sun. He glanced at the bottle and realised what he meant. “Aye. I may do, Mitch.” he laughed under his breath.

Cass found himself a quiet spot. He didn’t feel much like talking, and he drank to quiet his mind of that degrading internal voice that insisted on kicking him harder and harder now that he was down. The rum didn’t last long, and he watched the empty bottle roll back and forth along the deck as he sat against the rail, fingers curled in his hair.

Why was he so hurt by what he knew would happen in the first place? It’d been inevitable, but the least he could’ve done was pretended. They could’ve went on like that, how things were, working together and sleeping together and just being happy like they had been. Of course he was the one to fuck it up, It was always him.

Fucking idiot, Cass.

He had to get off of this ship. He felt trapped with something he didn’t know how to deal with without alcohol and a pit. He thought of picking a fight with Tryst but he doubted Mitch’s ship could handle any further damage.

He loved her. There was no escaping it now, he knew it and she knew it.. she just didn’t feel the same way. Perhaps he could live with that, he was used to feeling pitied and pathetic, just not from her.. he wasn’t sure if he could handle that from her.

“Fuck..” he rubbed at his face, and closed his eyes to let sleep take over his drunk and tormented mind.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi woke to an empty bed.

She quietly realised she hadn't done that for weeks now - not since their first night together. Her fingers brushed over the cold side of his bed and then fisted in the sheets with a sigh, her other hand coming up to rub at her sore eyes. She felt spent. How long had it been since she had had a good cry like that? Releasing the sheets she rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, pulling the sheets around her naked flesh like suddenly lying in this bed in such a way was shameful.

"Fuck, Lexi," she muttered to no-one but the Gods. Her hand ran through her hair and pushed it off her face. There was a knock at the door. "I'll be out in a bit," she called and the footsteps disappeared. "Get up," she muttered to herself and after a moment or two longer of wallowing in her emotions her body obeyed. She got dressed, splashed water on her face to remove the streaks her tears had left and ease the puffiness of her eyes. She glanced at her reflection briefly in the mirror then sighed and left the cabin.

The deck was busier now and land was all around them. They must be back on the river heading back to the city, she thought quietly. Her gaze landed on Mitch who waved her over.

"Looks like you 'ad a rough nigh' too," he looked at her with a lazy smile when she stepped up next to him and then passed her the telescope. She said nothing but peered through the lense.

"How long?"

"'bout three 'ours give or take," he grunted.

It was Alec and Peter who woke Cass up by plopping themselves down either side of him and dumping a mug of coffee in one hand and a plate of fried meats in the other.

"When we get back, we were thinking of having a lads night."

"Yeah - you, me, Peter. The Three Amigos. There's this great town not far out but we thought... as you like fighting so much... they have some wicked cage fights."

 

[Cassian]

Cassian flinched as they woke him, a hand instinctively moving to his side to draw a blade that wasn't there. He quickly realised where he was however, and who was sitting beside him, and he sat up and rubbed the back of his neck which ached from an uncomfortable sleep. He set the plate down, and took a long drink of the coffee. His head was pounding.. his head was always pounding.

He looked between them with a tired expression, but he was clearly considering as he took another drink and he huffed and rested his head back again to rub the sleep from his face. "Aye, lads.. Sounds good.. Really good." he agreed with a light grin. He looked up at the sky to see where the sun was and he yawned, he had no idea how long he'd been asleep for.. "I have to get off of this fuckin boat." he rumbled and set the rest of the coffee down to pull himself to his feet. "Cheers, lads.." he forced a smirk down at them, and wandered off to find Lexi.

He'd sobered, and had one of the worst 'rests' of his life, he needed her, he needed to fix things, and he definitely couldn't handle this. He settled his eyes on her and paused in his stride.

What the fuck do I say?

He paced for a moment, in clear view, fighting with himself. Did he go over? She was probably pissed off he hadn't come back. "Fuck it." he huffed at himself and strode over to mount the steps and he stopped half way up to look at her, a look of pain and apology on his face that begged her to just forget everything and come to him. "Lass..." was all he could say.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

The boys glanced to one another when he mentioned getting off the boat then back to Cassian wondering if they needed to be on overboard watch. He seemed relatively ok, for Cassian that was anyway. Still they shared another worried look with one another as he stood and left them. The kids didn't like it when the two fought.

Lexi squinted slightly and she could just about make out the faint smudge on the horizon that could be her home. She leaned on the rail and sighed, admiring the view a little and hoping against hope for a few more details so she could confirm it was what she thought it was, before she shut the scope and passed it back to Mitch. The man took it but he wasn't looking at her but rather past her. She frowned and followed his gaze to Cassian who was pacing up and down. She ran a hand down her face.

"For what it's worth girl, he seems like a good'un," the retired Raven muttered around the pipe and turned his greying gaze to her with a sympathetic smile. For a moment her face crumpled. Mitch was like an grandfather to her and in that moment she wanted to crawl into his lap and fall asleep like she had done when she was little. He reached out and touched her cheek. "I dun envy ye kid, the weight, but ye can't let this job take everything from ya."

"Lass..."

Lexi shut her eyes briefly then nodded to the man in front of her before turning to Cassian. He was right, of course. There would be a risk no matter what caused her happiness that by losing it she would hurt and the Ravens with her. They only cared that that risk was worth it. Cassian was. She closed the gap between them, came to stand on the step above up and cupped his face with trembling hands.

"Can't you see I fucking love you too, Cass?" her voice was a strained whisper and then she kissed him.

 

[Cassian]

He looked up at her as she stood before him, he'd get on his knees and fucking worship her if he needed to, beg her forgiveness and plead with her not to cast him aside. He didn't care how pathetic he'd look. Even if she never loved him back at least she was with him..he didn't think he could survive being alone again, not after knowing her.

Her hands on his face caused his eyes to close for a brief moment. A simple touch and he felt instantly calmer. He'd been about to blurt out all manner of apologies to her when she spoke first and he opened his eyes to stare at her, searching her face for truth with a look of bewilderment.

Fuck.

He returned her kiss but it took him a moment to process, but when his mind snapped back into play he let out a shuddered breath and wrapped his arms around her and melted into that kiss. He lifted her from the her feet with a grin and a quiet, throaty laugh against her lips, ignoring all thought that she'd said what she'd said out of pity. No. He believed her.

Settling her back down he broke their kiss to rest his forehead against hers and lift his gaze to hers, his eyes glassy with emotion and his voice strained and sore.. "Sorry, lass.." he sighed, brushing a hand across her face and caressing at her cheek with his thumb..

Gods. He wanted to hear it again, but he wouldn't push it, it was more than enough to know. He was terrified, they both were.

"We're pretty fucked up, aren't we?..." he muttered under his breath with a smirk.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

For a moment she thought he was going to reject her. She had hurt him too badly by holding herself back the night before and now she had put her heart on the line for it to be crushed within his hands. Lexi had been ready to step back when he suddenly pulled her closer and seemed to melt into her. A soft sigh of relief escaped her and as he pulled her from her feet she wrapped her arms around his neck and shut her eyes tightly. She didn't want him to let go. When he set her down and leaned against her she pressed her whole body as close to him as she could get. The way she trembled made it clear just how heightened her emotions were in that moment.

"Me too," she couldn't bare to open her eyes yet and savoured this moment instead. The touch of his hand against her cheek, the feel of his words and the breath against her skin. She dipped her chin a press her lips to his cheek then drag them across his skin. She laughed against the hollow beneath his ear at his words and merely nodded, burying her face there within the crook of his neck.

"Please don't ever sleep outside again that was the worst nights sleep I've had in years," she made no move to let go of him and tears were welling again in her eyes from the relief of not losing him which she didn't want him to see.

 

[Cassian]

His arms tightened their grip on her as he felt her tremble. A few horrible hours away from her had taken its toll on mind and body worse than any beating ever had. She wanted him. She knew him, his story, his issues and vices and still she wanted him anyway. His throat aches as she kissed at his face and he ran his fingers into her hair to massage at her head as she buried her face against him.

“That’s a promise lass.” He answered with a deep sigh against her hair as he kissed her head. He was acutely aware of eyes on them. He didn’t care, and he’d let her hide in the crook of his neck for as long as she wanted to. He knew how vulnerable she felt, he’d felt the same way, and he still felt terrible from dragging her emotions out of her like that.

But she loved him, and his cheeks dimpled as he smiled.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi let out another breath at his promise and her body relaxed a little more and then a little more. She wasn't sure how long she stood there with him like that but she only moved when she was sure she wasn't going to burst into tears again. God she was a wreck. She felt more tired now than she had after healing Alec, or at the least a different kind of tired that felt somehow worse. It was only when she pulled back that she even realised the others trying to give them their privacy.

"You know you're really ruining my street cred," Lexi gave a small laugh and wiped at her face. The stoney commander of the White Ravens crying over a boy? What was the world coming to. "When we land I vote we pack our bags and go on that holiday... don't you?" She gave a shy and hesitant smile. It felt like a new thing between them now she had given him those words and she struggled a little to know where to go from here.

 

[Cassian]

Cassian laughed under his breath at her words and looked down at her, bringing his hands to her face and clearing her tears with his thumbs. "What about mine?" he smirked.. "I won' make you cry again, lass. I din't mean to." he frowned briefly, his tone soft and attentive despite how bad he felt. His smile returned at her suggestion and he nodded firmly.

"Aye. I'd say we deserve that.." he pushed her hair back from her face, studying her anew, an unusual sense of pride building in his chest like that of a man who'd just come into an unimaginable amount of wealth. He had, and he couldn't stop grinning about it.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

"Just... not used to feeling things is all," she pressed herself into his hands for more of his touch but she smiled nevertheless. She had shut herself off to those feelings a long time ago and she hadn't expected to feel them so suddenly for and quickly. It was alarming the speed at which she had fallen for him but it was comforting to know he was going down with her. She cast another look to the side and took a shaky breath.

"Can we... can we go somewhere more private please?" She didn't feel like a Commander in this moment and she didn't want the others to see her piece herself back together into this new person she felt herself becoming. She lifted her tear stained lashes to look up at him. His grin was infectious and brought out her own smile before she took his hand and gently tugged him back towards the cabin.

 

[Cassian]

His lips twitched as he fought a smirk at her words and he nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Aye. I know, lass. I ent either.." he rumbled against her skin and sighed as he took her hand to lead them back to the cabin. He caught grins from the boys but Kain gave them a shove and they quickly returned to their chores.

He closed the door behind them and leaned back against it with a heavy sigh. "I suppose, we should talk about gettin' married now, we'll need kids too, four at least. An' you'll look superb in an apron, you know how to bake bread, right?.." he joked with a grin and winced slightly..

"Too soon?...."

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

The shove by Kain didn't go unnoticed and she glanced to her friend with a thankful wide eyed glance. He probably knew better than most how much of a big deal this was for her and it was comforting to know he had her back in the matter. Supported the match. If he had thought Cassian was wrong for her he would have stepped in before now, of that she was definitely certain.

Inside the cabin she went straight to the small drinks cabinet and began rummaging through it. Rum and wine weren't going to cut it. She made a small noise of victory when she found the clear bottle of Dragons Breath whiskey. She had been beginning to pour herself a glass when Cassian began talking. Panic washed over her as he spoke about marriage and then children - the glass broke in her grip and she swore as it sliced into her hand and split it open. She'd only caught the teasing edge to his words when he had mentioned the apron and by then it had been too late.

Lexi turned back towards him, hand pouring with blood, and grimaced.

"A little," she laughed breathlessly and grabbed a nearby cloth to press against the wound.

 

[Cassian]

"Fuck, lass. I was kidding.." he went to her with a frown and took her hand to look over the wound with a wince. He groaned "Gods Lexi." he chastised quietly and cupped her hand to press the cloth down against her palm with the other.

He huffed and looked as guilty as he felt.. "I'll go get Kain to fix it. An' remind me never to fuckin' propose to you.." he laughed under his breath and looked at her awkwardly.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

"No," Lexi shook her head. "No, I don't want Kain," she didn't want anyone else near her right now. It felt as if her skin were on fire and she had reached the limit of her ability to deal with others. She let him take her hand and then used her other to pick up the bottle she had been pouring from and simply took a sip straight from that instead. It burned but it settled her a bit and she took a deep breath.

"It's as good a time as any to teach you," she looked up at him to watch his expression and then back down to her hand to remove the cloth. "Repeat after me, Reficere posse carnem," when he spoke the words he would feel a pull on his energy like he had suddenly run half a mile at a steady pace, and the wound would begin to stitch itself back together again under his hand.

"It was the children bit that freaked me out..." Lexi said quietly a moment later.

 

[Cassian]

Cassian frowned in protest at her words and watched her, his eyes narrowing in a slight wince as she opted to let him try.. “Lass, I..” he shook his head, obviously thinking it wasn’t the best idea, terrified he’d make it worse. It’d been his fault, however and he let out a huff and placed his hand over hers.. “Mh.. fuck.”

“Reficere..posse carnem” he tried his best to mimic what she’d said though he didn’t understand a word of it.

For the briefest moment, he smiled as he saw the wound begin to stitch itself, a fleeting moment of awe, but it was short lived. His energy fell drastically and he paled before turning to throw up in the basin, just in time for her mention of children, and his muscles rippled with convulsions.

Magic agreed with him about as much as sailing.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi watched his face as he repeated the phrase and then smiled as his face transformed once he saw he had actually produced magic. Done something. She loved that first moment of pure awe and excitement. Usually of course it would be on a child's face but it was still a beautiful milestone. Which was ruined very quickly by him hurling into a thankfully well place bucket. She grimaced as the smell hit her nose and she very gently rubbed his back in small smooth circles whilst stretching her now healed hand. It was perfectly healed, perhaps more so than he needed to have done which was probably why he was feeling so rough.

"Well, remind me not to tell you I'm ever pregnant," she muttered but there was a thread of amusement to her words. "Here," she poured him a glass of water and passed it over, then left him briefly to rummage in her pack. She came back armed with chocolate. "Sit down, there we go... now drink and eat. It's more the shock than anything, it'll pass," she unwrapped the sweet and then passed some over before crouching in front of him and nudging the bucket between his legs for him, her hands squeezing his thighs gently.

"Now do you see why I said I couldn't use your energies?"

 

[Cassian]

Cassian coughed and side glanced at her teasing, feeling his cheeks hot and flushed and he wasn’t sure it was from the sickness or not. A thought rushed through his mind for a brief moment, and he eased and sat down to rinse his mouth and take a breath.

He felt awful, but he smiled down at her taking care of him and reached a hand to stroke at her face before taking the chocolate and taking a bite. Cassian was used to being sick and hungover and this could easily be compared, but to come on so suddenly had caught him off guard.. Still, he’d healed her, with nothing more than a few words, and he had to let that sink in a little longer before he spoke.

“Is it always like that?...” he asked and took another bite before reaching to take her hand from his thigh to inspect it and kiss at her palm.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi weighed up her words as she thought of how best to tell him what exactly the cost of magic was. He would need to know if he intended on learning more of what they did in the White Ravens and he might indeed be asked by someone in a large battle to lend them his energy. He was a source of power even if he couldn't use it himself. When he kissed her palm she smiled and let her hand linger against his cheek to rub her thumb across his bottom lip.

"It gets easier the more you practise until simple spells like that feel like nothing more than you took a brisk walk but yes, whenever one of us does a spell it saps at our energy in that way. It's why stronger spell casters will slowly add their strength over time to a special gem called a Faerstone. It means when we're in the middle of a fight we can draw on that instead of our own energy. The reason why what I did with Alec hit me so hard was because I went through everything in my Faerstone, my secondary faerstone, and my own energies," she dropped her hand and then pushed the chocolate towards him. "It's important to eat after."

 

[Cassian]

Cass listened to her words, her tone doing everything to soothe his mind and he sighed deeply, watching her, this woman who loved him as she took care of him and he couldn't help but grin at her. "I'm sure I'll get used to it.." he answered with a husky laugh. He'd be lying if he hadn't felt a little pride seeing her hand stitch up like that, it'd particularly eased him given that he'd been the cause of it.

He took another bite of the chocolate and sighed as he ate. He felt tired, he wasn't sure if it was the terrible sleep on the deck, the emotional exertion or the spell that'd caused it or a mixture of all of them but he leaned to press a kiss to her forehead and took her shoulders to stand her up with him.. "I'm good, lass.." he assured and rubbed at the back of his neck.

He wandered over to flop onto the bed fully clothed and arranged the pillows before patting on the sheets. "Come lay with me." he opened his arm out invitingly.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

He was so full of smiles at the moment and each of them were as infectious as the plague. She stood as he did, allowing him to tug her in to the action and gently patted at his chest as if she were making sure he truly was 'good'. She had been about to suggest lying down on the bed when he began stumbling over to it so she bit her tongue and held back the gentle reprimand. Instead she picked up the bucket, opened the window, and threw out the contents. Once it was empty she left the window open to let some fresh salt water air in and moved back to the bed. She set the bucket down beside it in case he should have need then kicked off her boots and lay down beside him.

"This is a bad idea I'm going to fall asleep like this," Lexi sighed and nuzzled into a mixture of his arms and the soft cushions he had arranged specifically. "I don't... want to start another argument but I need to ask. Is marriage and the kid thing what you want someday?"