Private Tales Those Fallen

[Saul Talith]

He paused for just a second, still staring at the door.

There wasn't really much else to say.

"I don't know how else to say it." Saul didn't look at Ana, he couldn't really bring himself to. He heard the pain in her face, but her words didn't really make much sense. Didn't understand? She had said it first, she had...his lips thinned, his eyes closed.

But he didn't move.

The Lord Commander didn't pull at the door or turn the handle, he just stood there breathing. His body shook almost visibly, but he didn't move.

 

[Anastasia]

She was abruptly up and stalking towards him, her hand lashing out with her unnerving quickness to snatch the scabbard from him. "So don't."

She whacked him with the broad side, enough to smart him. "Don't say it." She whacked his other arm. "Don't think it, Don't breathe it, don't even go there!" His right leg, his left leg, hell she went for a smart whap to the forhead, beating on him like their trainers had when they were being lazy and had to be driven into action.

"Don't you see what it's doing to us?" She practically yelled. She was shaking now herself, channeling it all into anger. "It's tearing us apart. It's making us weak." The word came out as a growl, all five foot seven of her pressing up against him, glowering at him.

"Shove it down. Snuff it out. Now, solider."

 

[Saul Talith]

"Weak?" He blinked, scowling now.

His expression was just as fierce as her, his grip growing white knuckle on the scabbard of his sword. The weapon shook slightly, though of course he was nowhere near drawing it.

"Is that what you think?" His lips curled in disgust. "You think our bonds make us weak? That the ties we have to each other somehow brings us down?"

His head shook. "How can you think that? By that logic we should do the same to Edwin, to Valerie, Myrelle, Owin...all of them."

There was a bite to his tone.

"Because we care about each other we fight harder, we fight better." His lips thinned. "Part of why I'm doing this is for us, for all of us. For you."

His hand came up, gently pushing her away. "Loving you doesn't make me weak. It makes me stronger, it gives me something to fight for. Someone to fight for other than just me, than just some far off ideal."

 

[Anastasia]

"And how can you possibly do that with me on your mind, huh?" She shoved him back, much harder. "You won't. You're gonna get your dumb ass killed as you're watching for me over the battle field. You won't be able to think straight, act straight- you can't be methodical when you're using the lives of those you care about on the chess board." She exploded at him, reflecting her own shortcomings onto him.

 

[Saul Talith]

"I already know that." His voice returned to a low calm.

His fingers were still tight on the sword, but he knew yelling wouldn't solve it.

"All of you." He gestured to the room around them, more trying to point to the compound itself. "Our group, you, the Templar. I have to factor all of that in. I know whose the best for what, who can handle it, and what risks they're willing to take."

Saul's expression grew grim. "None of this is easy, none of it ever will be easy, but it's the life we chose, because we did have a choice. We still have a choice."

His fingers tightened.

"I watch over all of you on every battlefield. I always have. Whether we're fighting a single ghoul or three liches." Both of which they had done. "I care about you Ana, I love you, but I won't...don't let it jeopardize who we are. I can't."

"The fact that you're all around me. That I care about you. That is what makes me stronger." He sighed. "It means I have to be more careful, it means I won't throw any of you to the wind, that I won't be reckless."

It was what the old man had always warned him about. Commanders who didn't care about their men were worse than scum. "I trust you, and I trust what you're capable of."

 

[Anastasia]

"Well you're wrong to," she wheezed, her voice going abruptly soft. Pain squished at her chest, stealing her breath away. The lives she had taken, the memories attached to them, the moments shared- they were no less her brethren to her than the others. They weren't enemies, never enemies-- and each breath she took was one they wouldn't because she-

She turned from him then, the sudden decompose that overtook her being everything she had been trying to prevent. Her arms squeezed around herself, like scotch tape against a slowly cracking damn, keeping her together for just a few moments longer.

"You're wrong about me. You're-you're- just stop. Just go."

 

[Saul Talith]

"I didn't even say anything about you!" Saul said out of frustration, his lips once again twisting to a scowl in frustration.

Clearly this was more about than what she had said.

"You were accusing me." He reminded her. "Pushing me away when all I'm trying to do is talk. Be honest."

Lips thinned. "Putting more weight on me."

The last sounded pain. He didn't want to argue with her. He didn't want to yell or scream. He just didn't want to break.

 

[Anastasia]

She didn't say anything for a long moment, shaking. And like him-- not wanting to do this with him. She didn't mean to explode. She wanted to slide to the ground. For it to all go silent and numb again.

"Fine," she relented, her voice a defeated breath. "It's not you. It's me. It's all me, okay? I can't do this." She pushed to the desk for the whiskey, grunting as she abused it with a solid gulp. Valerie totally wasn't going to give her another one.

"Why can't I do this," she asked herself, palms sweaty as she sat in the chair there.

 

[Saul Talith]

Saul watched Ana take another drink, lips thinning as she did. He was half tempted to take the bottle from her, knowing what kind of pit that would turn into.

Instead however he took a step forward, speaking softly. "Because it's not easy."

The new Lord Captain knew that better than most, but he kept those thoughts to himself. The moment the others found out that he had doubts it would all come apart. Faith would break, and slowly the thin rope they had been walking on would begin to fall away beneath them.

"Do you think you're the only one with doubts?" He asked softly. "Berrick nearly took my head off for all this, Valerie wanted to talk to Arrawaith behind my back."

Edwin had told him that. "Greggor...Greggor almost walked away."

Privately, he thought, even Edwin and Leane had had their small doubts. Only Owin, the only one of them Saul had never been able to read, had shown him absolutely no doubts.

"None of this has been easy Ana, not for any of us." He paused. "It's hard...impossibly so."

 

[Anastasia]

He had been right. None of this had been about his confession. Or hers, if she even meant it-- she didn't know. Of course she loved him. Of course he loved her. The only difference between loving him like a brother and loving him deeper was the fear that too much emotion would make them weaker.

"We're falling apart," she whispered, face going into her hands.

 

[Saul Talith]

"No." He countered simply. "We're not."

The path might have faltered, the rope may have frayed, but they were all still here.

All still together. "Berrick is in his forge, Valerie is helping Edwin write up a writ for the Merchant Council, and Greggor is in the mess making dinner for everyone."

Even those that had fought for Arrawaith.

"We're all still here. We're all still together." To lament an event that had not happened was to lament the end of the world. It simply would not be. "Things become difficult sometimes. That's no reason to give up."

He paused.

"You know that. It's why you came back." Saul chewed his lip.

 

[Anastasia]

A noise of pain caught in her throat at the reminder, a half laugh, half sob catching in her throat.

"I came back to save your ass," she lied, shaking her head and wiping at the wetness that hand slipped out between her fingers.

She glanced over at him, red-eyed and snotty, and couldn't help but to marvel at how composed he still was. How did he do it? He carried so much more than her. She half laughed again, wiping at snot as it came out of her suddenly runny nose.

"Since when do you do this? Get emotional. Reassure others. S'like we switched places but I'm still crying." She rubbed at her face in frustration.

 

[Saul Talith]

"Since I've needed to." Saul said quietly.

In truth he hadn't noticed any significant change, but she was right.

Saul had never been great with his emotions, well, save for one. Anger had always been something he was more than capable of showing. It was not inaccurate to call him a hot head, especially during times where he felt cornered. Other emotions though? He was downright shit with those.

"It's not an easy thing." He said quietly. "All of this."

It seemed simple, but...perhaps Ana had never considered it.

Perhaps she thought herself weaker than the others, unable to see the problems they were dealing with.

 

[Anastasia]

He was right, she had stopped seeing the others problems, swallowed by the guilt over killing Felecity in the square. She had abruptly lost touch with herself in that moment, and had been spiraling ever since.

Ana slumped, abruptly feelings incredibly tired as the emotions drained out of her. "I'm sorry... I made this about me. I haven't been there for you all lately..." She casted an empty gaze to the book and the bottle, thoughts almost haunting in nature. "Of course you're going through stuff too."

Her head buried back into her hands and she just sat there, unable to say anything further. Unable to reach out and sooth him, say the right things, fix this. A small part of her, a little edge of her that hadn't been lost to the depression screamed out for her to try.

But the energy had been leeched out to her, she couldn't find the strength to even open her mouth to ask for help. She felt empty, weak. Like a completely different person. And it scared her.

 

[Saul Talith]

"It's alright." Saul said quietly.

The fact of the matter was that Saul seemed to be caring less and less about himself.

It was painful in a way, but it was also how he disassociated himself from the weight that he was currently carrying upon his shoulders. There was an ache to it, something he had to bare but could ignore. His own troubles were insignificant to the ones around him.

The the ones his friends...his first love was suffering through. "You're not alone is my point."

He told Ana quietly.

"I'm here." The Lord Captain continued. "Valerie is, Edwin, hell even Owin. We're all here."

 

[Anastasia]

She didn't respond, though after a moment she lifted her face held it her chin instead, an empty look leveled up at him.

"...Okay," she croaked, struggling for words that wouldn't leave him hanging, some part of her trying to extend out and accept his help.

"Thanks."

She rubbed her face and looked away, braced for that to be the end of that. He'd said his peace and they had gotten somewhere, right? He wasn't leaving in tears. She was... well she had heard him, at least. Her fingers itched for the bottle again, but a strange embarrassment kept her from reaching out for it before his eyes.

"I guess if you need anything.... 'know where to find me."

 

[Saul Talith]

For a moment Saul stood there again in silence, unable to really think of what to say. He frowned for a brief second. A part of him felt as though he should just leave. He'd said everything that he could think to say, and it seemed as though Ana did not really want him here at the moment.

His fingers tightened, he hesitated. A fidget ran through his entire body as he tried to think of what to say, what he should actually do. After a few seconds he took a breath.

"I meant what I said." He repeated again. "Last night."

Perhaps the words would only make things worse, in fact Saul was pretty sure that was exactly what it would do, but in truth he didn't really care.

He rarely expressed himself, save for his anger, and in his mind...if not now, then when?

Probably never.

 

[Anastasia]

Her expression slowly crumbled into a grimace, her gaze dropping. She sat back, her hands fidgeting.

"I don't know why I said that," she admitted, strangely enough-- not understanding her feelings for him. Maybe it was just that she had never let herself think of him that way before. He had always had his dreams and they never involved a woman. It wasn't until recently that they had truly gotten to spend time together like they had as children.

And she had fancied him hard as children.

"Just sometimes you make me feel things and-"She tossed up her arms, frustrated with herself. "Clearly I can't keep them down."

Not a rejection, at least.

 

[Saul Talith]

It was something at least, a frown touched his features for a brief moment still.

He wasn't quite sure what else to say. This was hard enough as it was without having to sort through Ana's feelings as well. The weight was beginning to press in again. "I can give you time."

Saul said quietly.

"To...figure it out." He breathed. "But...A part of this life...our life, is that we never quite know what's around the corner."

A sword, a claw, a spell misplaced. All quick ends that could come any day. "I don't know why you said it either, but I know what I meant when I said it in response."

That was enough for him.

 

[Anastasia]

She nodded slowly, a numbness spreading over her, snuffing out the overwhelming churn of the morning.

"I.... Thanks," came the lame response. I love you. Thanks.

Another round of heat filled her cheeks. She was treating him horribly, she was aware. She couldn't help how this kept lashing out against him more, she really wished she protect him from the chaos that was her company. It seemed safest to shut down on him, so to spare him, she did. Bit by bit she pulled herself together, her expression empty when she looked back up at him.

"Will you be okay?" she asked gingerly.

 

[Saul Talith]

He shrugged. "I have to be."

Otherwise all of this would fall apart.

They had made so much progress. They had taken the Broken Sword, they could make life better, but it was only supposed to be the beginning.

He needed to continue on this path, he needed to reunite the Chapters into one. The Templar needed to be whole. He knew that. The world was facing a tide of darkness. Naga, Liches, waves of Blight Orcs. Arethil needed something to stand against it all, and a fractured Order could not.

A breath filled his lungs. He had no choice in the matter.

He had to stay together.

 

[Anastasia]

She grimaced, watching him for a near uncomfortably long time.

"...I meant what I said too." She cleared her throat, then added,"You can come back here. If you need to." Or...want to.

 

[Saul Talith]

A Lord Captain shouldn't fidget. He shouldn't show signs of being nervous, hell he shouldn't even show signs of doubt of any sort. Yet here he was, standing half motionless save for a small tick that seemed to run through him every second.

Truth was, until she spoke he had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do in the moment. Then when she said the words Saul began to visibly relax. A breath leaving him, his head slowly tilting into a nod. "Okay."

He said quietly.

"Maybe we can..." Saul paused. "Eat lunch together?"

It seemed odd, but, Valerie had said he needed to make time to actually eat.

 

[Anastasia]

Ana hesitated for a moment, glancing around at the untouched dinner tray of last night, sitting besides the one this morning. For a moment she wanted to say no. She didn't want to leave this room for the sake of socializing. She didn't want to bathe in the cold and dress in something stuffy just to sit at a table with food she wasn't hungry for while she was forced to try to act normal.

For a moment she felt utter dread at being forced out to be surrounded by others. And that's why she nodded, the depth of her depression frightening her. Most of all, she didn't want to stay like this.

A lunch. She could do a lunch. For him.

"Okay. Lunch. We can have that. ...When?"

 

[Saul Talith]

"Around..." He thought for a moment. "Lunch...time..."

When did people usually eat lunch?

Saul's schedule was anything but normal at the best of times, and over the past week things had been more confusing than anyone could possibly imagine. His lips thinned for a second and then he quickly went on, deciding it was better to clarify than to have Ana laugh at him. "Mid Afternoon?"

Given the current time that seemed about right.

He would have to ask someone to arrange the actual food part for him, probably Greggor. He had no idea what he would say to the request but...well it was worth asking to make sure this went smoothly.