Private Tales The Loved and Lost Club

[Nadya]

She tensed up, feeling him near her and his words fighting through the stormy winds buffeted at her ears and disorientating her. His words were spoken apology, a gentle stream of peaceful water waiting to be scooped into a bucket and thrown at the inferno that was her defenses. It hurt to hear him say the truth so easily, that she wielded a blade within her voice. Only Cullen would know her well, could tug on her hand and pull her back into the net of safety that his arms offered.

And that was suddenly what she wanted.

Before she could spiral into this mess of self doubt and defensive manoeuvres, she turned towards him and launched herself, her arms wrapping around him and the sobs wracking her entire body. Nadya tried to bury them into his chest, but grief and sadness were interwoven to tightly, she was useless to speak.

She clung to him in a way she never had before. As if she needed him there, just for a moment, until she was strong again.

Until she was strong enough to speak beyond the cries of whimpered I am sorry repeating over and over.

Never had she cried quite like this before. It took over, a possession of sadness that left her heavy and the only thing keeping her upright was the man she could not bear to lose.

Her legs gave out, her arms tightening around him so she didn't part from him.

 

[Cullen]

Cullen stiffened as her body collided with his. For a breath, his arms remained at his sides, rigid and uncertain, because it wasn’t an apology. It was Nadya taking what she wanted.

But then the sound came. A raw, guttural sob that cracked something in him. Then another. And another. Until her grief soaked through his shirt and into his skin, trembling and wild, unstoppable.

That was when his arms finally moved.Slowly, as if afraid she might shatter, he wrapped them around her, tight, anchoring and solid. One hand braced her back, the other slid into her hair, cradling the back of her head, guiding her closer. He held her up when her knees buckled before he lowered them both gently to the floor.

He held her there.

Her body curled into his, clutching as though he might disappear if she loosened her grip. He stayed silent, steady, a mountain unmoved by the storm. His thumb brushed against the side of her head, his fingers combing slowly through her hair, soothing silently.

He could feel the shape of her words in the sobs. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. But he didn’t rush to meet them with forgiveness. That wasn’t what she needed, not yet. Not when the weight of her grief was still breaking over her in waves.

So he said nothing. No conditions. No demands. Just the quiet strength of a man who had been hurt, and still, he held her as though she was the only thing in the world worth saving.

 

[Nadya]

She didn't realise they were both on the floor now, not even as he arranged her beside him without jostling her too much. All she had thought of was hiding her face into his chest, that the feel of his arms around her was the only thing keeping her grounded when the sea of emotion and no control wanted to drift her in open water.

Even as she felt his heartbeat, felt his chest breathe in slowly and exhaling peacefully did she catch on to try and match him. It took her a few minutes to calm, and at some points, the tears and sobs came back but did not last long until she was now resting herself against him. Tired. Drained.

"I'm... not good at this." Her voice shook, still laced with difficulty. As if the lump was still in her throat, threatening to cry once again. "I never had to apologise for much until..." Until now.

Nadya's frame shook. Anxiety sparked within her. Careful. She had to be careful. She didn't want to lose him. She would lose all sense if she lost Cullen for good.

"I am a fool, Cull. I made a mistake and another, and I made it worse for you. I lived this life drunk on my power that I never imagined what it would feel like to have no true power. I played the game wrong. I am no Malennis with a mind for wot and schemes, nor a Ascendant Commander that plans these battles. I'm just a girl with a dragon that took years to trust me... and in all of this, I never thought I would be capable of hurting you." The shakiest breath, and a tremble coarsed through her.

She pushed away now, sitting beside him and showing him her face. Her cheeks and eyes were red, cheeks wet, but most of all, her expression was gaunt.

"I wanted to be your protector so much I smothered you. What kind of person am I for doing that to you?"

Gods, these tears needed to stop.

 

[Cullen]

Cullen stayed quiet even as Nadya pulled away, his hand slipping from her hair but not far from her. He watched her with a softness in his eyes, even as she sat beside him looking like the ghost of the warrior he’d always known. She was raw now. There was no armour left. No commands, no scowls, no stormfront to brace against, just Nadya.

And she was finally starting to see. How her grip had tightened the moment she learned of Eira. How jealousy had crept into her strength, and turned love into control.

She asked him what kind of person that made her and he didn’t hesitate. “It makes you the only person in my life who cares enough to want to protect me.”

Cullen leaned forward, closing the space between them again. His hand found her face, his thumb brushing the tears gently from her cheek, then the next, and the next. He frowned, but it wasn’t anger, it was grief. Something shared.

“Flawed as it was... I know you care.” His voice was quiet now. Not soft like a whisper, but grounded. Honest “You should’ve just told me that it was more..”

“Look at me, Nad. How could I have known, that it was more than that? Why would anyone ever see me as more than that? I felt privileged enough to have friends at all let alone anything else.. I didn’t think I had to look, because I didn’t know it was there. You’ve been my best friend since we were children. The only constant. The one person I’ve never had to question.”

He exhaled slowly, “You’re the most important thing in my life, Nadya. And I don’t want to lose you. You've already had your name tarnished by mine for being a friend. I know you're not, but I am afraid of what could happen to you if it were to become more than that. I didn't pull away because I don't love you, it's because I do."

 

[Nadya]

Nadya's eyes closed as she inhaled shakily.

Those words would have filled her with joy, but now, she felt as if she had fractured anything that could happen between them. She exhaled, eyes fluttering open to stare into his gaze. "How could I tell you? When I always thought if I did, it was opening a wound inside me that could never heal. It would make me vulnerable, and that isn't a state of mind I would welcome."

Until the thought of him being happy with someone like Eira turned her for the worse.

She had believed that if anyone had power and influence to do anything, it would be Eira Malennis and getting what she wanted. She would have found a way to make Cullen no longer treated like vermin.

Maybe that caused her real jealousy. That someone else would be able to do a better job than her.

"No one will ever take me away from you. If there is something keft to fight for, it would be to never lose you. I just wished you had the courage to see that, Cullen. We don't have to be scared when we are fighting side by side." She chewed on her bottom lip, eyes dropping to his arm as his thumb wiped away another tear. "They couldn't keep us apart as friends. They're not going to have any chance of doing so if we become more than that."

Her voice felt heavy when she spoke of that hope.

 

[Cullen]

Cullen’s heart ached in his chest at the sight of her. All that strength Nadya carried like a mantle had cracked, and what lay beneath it was just a girl. Frightened, vulnerable, honest at last.

He could see it all now. The fear she carried like armour. The pride that kept her from ever asking to be held. The jealousy that wasn’t born of hate or bitterness, but aching fear. Perhaps she had never thought anyone else would ever love him either.

As she spoke of the possibility of more between them, Cullen reached out again, gently tugging her toward him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, lingering longer than a friend’s should. His arms wrapped around her again, his sigh deep and quiet as if the weight between them had finally found a place to settle.

“You can't lose me..” he murmured into her hair. His eyes closed, his chin resting lightly against the top of her head. “Not unless you tell me to go, and mean it.”

He pulled back just enough to look her in the eye again, his hand cupping her cheek. His thumb brushed away one last tear..

"That said, I should get back soon. I doubt they'll take too kindly to me abandoning my post." he laughed under his breath, but there was no amusement in it. He was still a prisoner, whether he had bars around him or not. "And you should rest.. I'm sorry, if I made anything worse." he winced at the memory of how rough handed he'd been with her in his anger.

 

[Nadya]

In his arms, she felt settled at last. With his lips to her forehead, she felt as if the storm had returned to a calm. Nadya felt healed for the first time since everything happened to her, could feel the peace stretching inside her.

"I can handle being thrown about, Cull." She bit down on her lip again. "I always prefer a challenge."

But the idea of him leaving her so soon caused her to tense up.

"Don't go... at least, not yet." Nadya hurriedly added. Her lips made a natural pout, her brows furrowed in a way that made her look younger as her eyes widened with worry. "Stay with me a little longer? You need your rest too."

She couldn't imagine what he had gone through waiting for her to wake up. Stasya had mentioned ot had been a full day since she was brought back here to recuperate, but Faye and her dragon managed to heal her and still worked on Kalyss.

"I can tell the higher ups I asked you to stay. I don't even have a dragon here..." For she knew Kalyss was somewhere in the mountains, slumbering until he too was well rested. The female Storm Dragon with him.

Nadya moved towards her bed. She was dressed in simply a tunic and linen trousers, and the sun was now setting that the cold was seeping into her room. She climbed under the covers, looked to him and frowned. "I just want you to hold me. Until I sleep."

 

[Cullen]

Cullen watched the way her expression shifted and softened, vulnerable in a way few ever got to see. He’d always known she was strong. But this? Asking him to stay? That was the kind of strength she rarely let herself show.

He stood slowly as she moved to the bed, his broad frame casting a long shadow as he stretched in the warm, fading light.

“Aye…” he rumbled “I can do that.”

He crossed the room and climbed onto the bed beside her, laying back into her pillows and opening his arms without a word, and when she tucked herself against his chest, he held her the way he always had when they were younger. Solid, warm, safe.

His hand found her hair, gently running through it in slow strokes. His chin rested lightly atop her head, the rise and fall of his chest easy, rhythmic.

“I’ll hold you as long as you need. No worries, no duties. Just this.” he murmured, almost a whisper, as her body relaxed further into his, his thumb tracing slow lines along her back.

 

[Nadya]

Nadya breathed him in. He smelled of the soaps her sisters made, something floral but deep and woody to compliment. "You should bathe more often." She mused quietly. Her had rested at his shoulder, but it crept upwards to the nape of his neck. Feeling skin, she settled in closer to him.

Of all the bedmates she had had, Nadya never laid like this with them. She had always assured she was the one in control, that they wouldn't see her vulnerable. There had been one exception, that enlightened her, and that brought her back to the feeling of Cullen pinning her to the wall. Pink tinged her cheeks, her eyes closing as she thought of him again.

"I... I wanted to kiss you, before... when you had me against the wall, I wondered what it would be like kissing your anger. Seeing you so... alive..." She only spoke in murmurs, but this time there was an added hesitation. Another vulnerability. "But I chose to spite you, to see you more riled and wondered... how it would have felt..."

She fell silent then.

That was a fantasy. Things between them were suspended in the in-between. If she spoke too much... she would only hurt herself in the end.

"Never mind all of that..." she backtracked, her arms tightening around him as she tilted her head comfortably so that his chin was just shy of her forehead.

 

[Cullen]

Cullen huffed a laugh under his breath at her teasing, the sound rumbling in his chest where her head rested.

“Aye, well... I smell like a fucking flower garden,” he muttered, half-amused, half-grumbling. “Not exactly the scent of a hardened warrior.”

Still, his voice was warm, fond even, as his fingers trailed slowly down her shoulder, then along the line of her arm, soothing and absentminded.

When she spoke again, her voice so small, so unsure, Cullen’s breath caught slightly. Her words stirred something in him. He’d remembered that moment too, when she challenged him, pressed against him like she wasn’t afraid of anything. He’d been furious, yes, but his blood had heated with more than just anger.

Temptation had coiled in his gut like a brand. He hadn’t acted on it. But it had been there. Cullen swallowed that truth before it could leave his lips. Instead, he leaned down and pressed a slow, lingering kiss to her forehead, letting it speak for the things he couldn’t say quite yet.

“Get some sleep, trouble,” he murmured, voice thick and rough, laced with a tenderness he rarely showed anyone but her.

He tightened his arms around her, drawing her fully against him, tucking her safely beneath his chin. The weight of exhaustion pressed in, melting the tension in his shoulders, and soon his muscles slackened, his breathing slowed. Sleep soon claimed him, despite himself.

It was the sharp, echoing bang of a fist on the front door that tore him from it. The early light of dawn crept in through the curtains as he stirred, his arms instinctively tightening around Nadya for a moment in protection, before the knock came again, louder this time.

Cullen exhaled harshly through his nose, already feeling the peace of the night slipping away.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, shifting just enough to glance toward the door, jaw tightening. Whoever was pounding on the door at this time in the morning, was undoubtedly here for him.

“Stay here,” he whispered low to Nadya, his voice graveled with sleep. “I’ll handle it.”

 

[Nadya]

He fell asleep before she had.

For a good few moments, she had wondered at what point reality would seep in and Cullen would take back all of it and wanted to go back to them not talking. This anxiety didn't allow her relax until the moment Cullen fell into a slumber and his breathing eased to something softer.

It calmed her. His arms still held her tight, and she had slung a leg over his to keep herself in place and realised all her muscle tension dissipated at this angle.

It felt as if she barely got any sleep, but Stasya had told her before she had left that it would be normal for her body to still recover despite all injuries had healed due to the influence of a white dragon's capability to heal beyond a human healer could.

The sharp knocks upon her door woke her the same moment it did for Cullen. She felt him pull her closer. Sometime in the night she had ended up on her side and Cullen held her back against him. She could smell his floral soap, and she was twisting around to see him as he instructed her to stay.

Good gods.

How many times had she fallen asleep beside him before and seen him wake up? Perhaps she was seeing him in a new light. Seeing him get up from the bed and straighten himself up before opening the door.

On the other side, a male voice cut into her childhood bedroom.

"Malennis is on his way to see the Wing Leader."

Nadya sat up.

Anger and annoyance sparked inside her. By the time she was up and appearing beside Cullen, she caught the shit-eating grin Fedyr wore. "Clothes looked slept in. Good to know you're letting her rest before showing her a goo—"

"What were you about to say about your superior?" She sliced him with a clipped voice. Fedyr only grinned, raising his hands in surrender before one fell down to his coat pocket and offered the parchment to them, held up with two fingers.

"He had summoned for you but missed out as you were on patrol. Word got back to him you were recovering and is now on his way. You probably have less than an hour until he arrives with his guards."

Nadya snorted. She didn't reach for the parchment, which would possibly be the summons she had missed.

Before anyone could say anything more on the matter, three distinct cries echoed over the lands belonging to the Caliars. Nadya whipped her gaze to Cullen.

"Meala."