Private Tales Brothels and Broken Things

[Cassian]

He offered an encouraging squeeze at Lexi's shoulder as she paused, and stood beside her as she lay down, his hand on the table should she wish to take it. He was staring anxiously at the man's hands as they began to glow.

'Relax, this is just a routine scan,'

"Right, sorry Doc." he muttered and rolled his shoulders as he let out a steadying breath. The physician's brow rose incredulously at him and Cassian blanched as he met his stare.

"Oh, aye.. Relax, lass." he frowned, his cheeks flushing.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

It was enough to break Lexi's tensions at least. Cassian's blush had her sniggering not-so quietly, and it only grew worse when she could see the Doctor was scowling at her partners behaviour. She took his hand and patted it as though he were the one laying on the table.

"Deep breaths," she chided though there was no venom or barb behind her joke. She could understand why he was worried and a part of her felt... an odd sense of warmth that he even cared enough to worry.

The scan took a good few minutes then stood back with a smile.

"Well I am happy to tell you nothing is wrong. It would just seem, Commander, that you're pregnant."

 

[Cassian]

He felt ridiculous as Lexi patted his hand, but he obliged in the deep breaths anyway. Seeing her laying on a table, seeing her sick. He knew he wasn't handling it well, but he was thankful that she wasn't making him feel any more ridiculous than he already did.

Cassian squeezed at her hand, perhaps a little too hard, and watched the physician, his brow rising as he stepped back.

Nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. He was so focused on that and the relief he felt that he failed to quite take in the latter announcement. He let out a breath and nodded, running a hand down his face.

"Thanks, Doc. I knew she'd be alrigh', just thought it best to put her mind at ea--...." Cassian trailed off as the words he hadn't yet processed came crashing into him and quite nearly taking him off of his feet.

"Wait, what?"

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi managed to turn away in time to vomit over the other side of the table.

"Pregnant," the Doctor repeated patiently and gently begun to rub the heel of his palm in small circles over Lexi's back making sympathetic 'there there's'. "The sickness can get quite bad in the first trimester, I'll prescribe you some herbs and teas which will help keep it under control but I would suggest..."

The Doctor begun to drone on about things to avoid doing to lessen the triggers; smells she knew were repulsive, excessive heat, spices and putting her body through a lot of stress.

"You said I couldn't get pregnant!" she said shakily, turning back and wiping her mouth.

"Ah, no, no I said I thought it was unlikely," he corrected softly. "In fairness I have had little experience with people binding demi-creatures to their souls," Lexi could only stare at him with wild, bewildered eyes.

 

[Cassian]

"Fuck."

Terror. Absolute terror was the first emotion to fill his mind. Thoughts of his mother. The blood. His father, the cold twisted bastard that he hated.His heart had surged so quickly he had to clutch at his chest.

Was he having a fucking heart attack?! Fucking breathe, Cass...
"In and out... In...and ... out.."
Am I speaking out loud?
"Yes."
Oh, fuck.
"Fuck."
Black spots. Better sit down.
"Chair."

In and out in and out yes fuck chair?!

His chest was getting tighter and his legs felt like... Not his legs. His ears rang, louder, blackness blurred the corners of his vision "Eh, Doc.."

THUMP.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

"No. We sat here and you told me I couldn't get pregnant," Lexi ground out. She wouldn't have been so... careless in her activities if she had thought for a second this was a possibility. It simply shouldn't be a possibility. She wasn't human anymore. Kress what was that going to do to the child? She slid off the table and the Doctor took a wary step back.

"W-well, all the evidence suggested-"

THUMP.

Both of them turned to stare at Cassian sprawled out on the floor.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" Lexi rounded back to the Doctor who paused before shuffling over to check his pulse. "Why couldn't you have lied?" she ran her fingers through her hair.

"If you don't want the child... it is still early enough..." He said softly. Lexi stared at him blankly then sighed and crouched by Cassian's side, sliding her arms underneath him and lifting him easily from the floor.

"I don't know," she whispered and set her lover down gently on the table. Cassian's reaction didn't exactly fill her with confidence. "Cass?" she asked softly, stroking his cheek then gently slapping it.

 

[Cassian]

'Cass?'

The word was a distant echo. It sounded quite lovely actually, and he'd have been quite content to stay unconscious and listen to it for a while longer until those gentle strokes turned to gentle slaps and roused him enough to remember where he was and why. The soldier's eyes shot open, wide and disoriented as he found himself on the table where Lexi had been moments before. The confusion on his face quickly shifted into a grimace as he realised what had happened.

"Don't tell Kain." he asked, though it was more of a plea. He'd never live this down. Priorities.

She was pregnant, with his child. Their child.

He couldn't stop staring at her, though he eventually caught himself and pushed himself up to sit and reach. hand out to cup her face.

"I.." he swallowed. First thing was first. Or, second, after his dramatics. "How are you feelin'?"

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi's lips twitched into a smile at his first words.

"I won't," she bent and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before standing and running a hand through her hair. She couldn't blame him. It was probably the adrenaline stopping her from doing much the same. Maybe when it sunk in later she might find herself on the floor. Gods, please let it not happen or Cassian won't let me get out of bed for a week.

"I'm fine," she lied. "The Doc was just explaining some medicines I can take..." to get rid of it.

Did Cassian even want a child? They'd never had the discussion because she had always said she couldn't. Had very much thought she couldn't. The Doctor cleared his throat.

"I'll go get them, give you two a moment."

 

[Cassian]

"Medicines? To stop the sickness?" he asked grittily as he rubbed at the back of his head where it'd clattered against the floor.

A deep breath shuddered from his lips as he looked at her, his hands reaching to cup her cheeks, searching her face. "Sorry lass. I jus'.. Took me by surprise is all." he laughed under his breath at the understatement. He could barely stop staring at her, his mind still reeling, but the terror he'd felt initially had slowly subsided. She wasn't any normal woman. Nothing could break her. He wasn't his father.

The smile creased at his eyes before his lips followed in a wide grin and he laughed under his breath in disbelief.

"You're pregnant?" he said quietly and drew her in to press his forehead to hers. "We're gon' have a kid?" he laughed again. "Fuck... I'm a Dad."

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Cassian's elation devastated her. That was how she should be feeling. The impossible had happened against all the odds of what she was and her job to bless her with a child and her first thought had been... She hated herself and tears pooled in her eyes as she took a seat on the table next to Cassian and took his hands in hers.

"Not just for the sickness..." she had to tell him. Had to ask the question even though it felt as clear as day. Lexi had never felt so vulnerable in her life when she needed to be at her strongest.

"Is... is this the right time for a child, Cassian? Someone attacked our home, we could be at war in months. What's going to happen to them if I - we - both die in whatever is to come? What if I can't keep them safe to even be born?" It was like a dam broke inside of her. "I never planned for children, Cass. I don't... I don't know if I can do this," she whispered and looked up at him finally, tears rolling down her cheeks.

 

[Cassian]

The dimples in his cheeks slowly disappeared as the smile he wore fell, realising that she wasn't as pleased about this as he was. His brow furrowed at the unshed tears, and he'd been about to assure her that everything would be alright when she spoke, and something in his chest cracked.

"Oh.." his expression paused in realisation. "You want to..." he rasped, swallowing the thickening pain in his throat and unable to finish the sentence. His brow furrowed and his gaze fell to their hands as his elation tumbled down on top of him. He hadn't considered children either, he'd had all he'd ever wanted or needed with Lexi, but for a single moment he'd felt so much excitement, and so much pride.

Her reasons were valid, but it was their child, and the thought of what she was considering had his jaw clenching tightly with a flare of anger. But then she was breaking down, and the anger was quashed by the need to comfort her. He slipped from the table to stand in front of her, pulling her into a tight hold, but he couldn't speak, not for a painfully long moment.

"It's fine." It wasn't, and the struggle in which he'd said the words made that clear enough. He reached to wipe at her tears with his thumb, his own eyes glistening. "I get it.." he frowned, her job would always come first, and he'd known that since the beginning. Still it ached, like he was grieving something he'd never had, and he had to fight the urge to plead with her..

"Sorry. I shouldn't have presumed.." he said quietly, but there was a hint of spite in his tone, his pride thoroughly dented and he felt fucking ridiculous for having ever proclaimed himself a parent. "I want this. But I won't ask you to give up your work." - he knew she wouldn't. He let her go and turned as the physician returned with a box in hand. He fought the urge to scream, to yell at Lexi, to beat the man senseless, to just fucking leave, but his hand dragged down his face and he stepped back.

"It's your choice, lass." he rumbled and cleared his throat as he swiftly caught a tear.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Cassian's transparent lie was a very real blade through her heart. She could see him breaking even as she couldn't stop the tide of her own undoing in that moment and there was nothing, no words, no hope, she thought she could offer him. The truth was that for the very first time in her life, Lexi didn't know which path she wanted to take at this crossroads. She deserved every punch his words dealt her with their tender care, their concern for her, wrapped around his own pain which he tried to hide and failed in doing so. She'd ruined what to many was the happiest moment of their lives.

She'd never be able to undo that.

By the time the doctor returned Lexi's tears were pouring down her cheeks turning her eyes red and skin blotchy. He seemed startled to see her in such a state and almost took a step back out of the room. Both of them stepping back from her was just too much. She didn't want the decision to be hers, selfishly. She wanted someone else to do it for her.

"I need..." she rasped and then angrily wiped at her cheeks. She didn't cry. "We need... We need to think about this," she said more firmly towards the end. "I'm not making this decision alone," Lexi said fiercely, turning to Cassian. "This... is our... child. Our decision." Together.

A silence hung in the air and the doctor nodded slowly in understanding. He set the box down and plucked out some tea bags and put them into a bag.

"In the meantime, these will help ease the sickness," he said tenderly and pressed the bag into her hands. She nodded numbly and then started for the door.

 

[Cassian]

Cassian leaned against the wall, his arms folded across his chest as he stared at the floor, his jaw set with the significant effort it took to stay silent. His eyes rose as Lexi spoke and his breaking heart squeezed.

'Our child.' Gods, he wanted that so badly, he wanted her to want that. But she didn't..

He silently watched as Lexi made for the door, pushing himself from the wall and following after her. He couldn't help but scowl at the doctor as he passed. They'd barely had a chance to process the news and he'd been so quick to agree to ending his unborn child's life before it had begun. His rage flared at the thought again, and he made sure to slam the door so hard the building shook as he left.

His silence remained as he took hold of the horses' reins and started leading them up the road.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi winced at the slam of the door but she didn't comment. She hugged the paper bag to her chest and blindly put one foot in front of the other as her reeling thoughts sent her to a million different possible futures. She didn't hear the hellos or calls of greetings as they passed and she didn't seem to care either that her face was both a stark white of shock and the flushed red of tears. People fell silent in their wake.

She had never been so glad to see their home.

The stable hand came for the horses as he normally did but instead of their usual banter Lexi breeze past him and inside. It was as though she were on autopilot. She put the bag down on the side and then with shaking, trembling hands, filled the kettle.

"Tea?" she asked hoarsely.

 

[Cassian]

"No." Cassian answered. He didn't look at her. He knew if he did he'd cave and want to comfort her, but he was too hurt and right now, space seemed like a better idea for both of their sakes.

"I'm goin' to bed." he said as he shrugged out of his coat. "I doubt talkin' about this right now is gonna do either of us much good." he commented, and nudged away the ginger feline as she insistently brushed against his legs.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi's fingers tightened on the handle of the kettle as the barbs hit home.

"Okay," because what else could she say? No? After what she'd put on the table she didn't think she could deny him a night to himself to think. She needed to think too when the shock wore off. When the terror faded. She needed to know her own mind when they talked because they would talk. She had shut him out once before and nearly lost him and she wouldn't do it again.

"Goodnight."

 

[Cassian]

He didn't respond, and the door clicked shut behind him. He kicked off his boots and sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands as he tried to sort through the chaos of emotions in his mind. He stayed that way for a while, and he knew there was no way in hell that he would sleep, but the last thing he wanted was to lose her, and letting his anger loose whilst she was so fragile might wind up with him being thrown through a wall.

His hands were shaking, and his heart struck up a staccato in his chest. No matter the decision, he couldn't let this break them. He couldn't go back to life without her.

"Get a fuckin' grip, Cass." he growled at himself and stood, going to the door.

"No we need to deal with this now."

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

The kettle whistled on the heel of Cassian's words like an omen. She brushed away tears she had let fall thinking he had gone to bed. This conversation was not one she was looking forward to but a feverish hope burned in her that this meant he was going to stay. She took the screaming kettle off the fire and moved it over to where she had set up a cup and a pot, pouring the hot water over the tea leaves the doctor had given her.

"Do you want to sit?" she asked quietly whilst she poured. When the pot was full she carried it over with a mug for herself then settled herself onto the sofa. For once she wasn't the echo of Cassian's tempest. She looked... broken. Tired beyond anything she had felt before. She hugged her knees to her chest and finally looked up at him for his decision.

 

[Cassian]

"No." his head shook, and he clenched his jaw hard given the sight of her. "And don't do this." he waved a hand toward her, gesturing how she sat looking at him like that. It was difficult enough not to break right now, let alone when she looked so hopeless.

"You best make sure that doctor doesn't breathe a word of this to anyone." he said firstly. He'd been humiliated enough, the last thing he needed was everyone knowing, and beating the doctor into the ground wasn't going to gain him much favour.

He hadn't realised he'd started pacing like a caged animal, but he had to do something. His hand dragged down his face. "How long was it after you learned you were carrying our child did you consider getting rid of it? A minute? Less?.." he asked trying to keep the bite out of his tone.

"I've already told you what I want. So what is it that 'we' need to think about, Lex? It's not a decision we can make together if its not somethin' you're willing to do, an' I can't make you."

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Uncurling was hard. All she wanted to do was stay in a ball until she stopped feeling sick but she complied with what he wanted because the last thing she wanted was to make this harder. So she unwrapped her arms, crossed her legs instead and put her hands in her lap clenched tightly together whilst he ploughed on. It was like being buffeted by a storm. She opened her mouth to assure him about the doctor, wanting desperately to ease at least a strand of this. But before she could he punched her in the gut with his next question.

Lexi physically recoiled as though he had physically slapped her then sat stunned as his final proclamation washed over her.

The only sound was the quiet tick of the clock.

"I didn't consider it... not to begin with," she said quietly and then ran her hands through her hair. "I was busy dealing with the shock I could have children," she sucked in a deep breathe and shut her eyes to make sense of the mess. "It was when the panic begun to set in about... about our life Cass. I couldn't," her voice cracked. "Keep Peter alive," she didn't even realise she was sobbing. "How am I going to keep a child alive?"

 

[Cassian]

His fists clenched at his sides at the way she recoiled, but he forced himself to swallow the apology he was so desperate to give her.

"We were only in there for ten fuckin' minutes, Lexi! In less than ten minutes you.." he cut himself off, realising that he was yelling now, but he couldn't help it. "Our life - what about our child's l--"

Ah fuck. She was sobbing. He rubbed at his face and fell to his knees on the floor in front of her, his hands reaching to hold her head so that her eyes were on his. "Peter wasn't a kid.. You tried to save him, you couldn't, none of us could. We've been through this, Lex. You can't save everyone... But you haven't even given our kid a chance. You haven't even tried to keep it alive.." he swallowed painfully.

"That kid is.. us." his head shook slowly. "I was.. so fuckin' happy to have that with you. It's not just somethin' to be thrown away because you're scared. I love you. I might be fuckin' hopeless but I'll do everythin' I can to keep our family safe."

"Jus' please don't do this." he whispered, and broke.

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

She couldn't stop the tears even though she wanted to. They rolled thick and heavy, spilling over his fingers that cupped her cheeks so tenderly, so gentle. She might have trusted that this child would have a chance if he were the one looking after it for the next few months but her? As he poured his heart out she rested her forehead against his and shut her own eyes. The threads of future she had thought over on their walk here hadn't all been of a childless future. Most of them, in fact, had been trying to work out what that child would look like. Would they have Cassian's eyes? His smile? Or hers? What had terrified her in every single one was the danger they were in.

She wound her arms around him as he fell apart as though through her embrace alone she could hold him together.

"I'm sorry," she whispered with all her heart against his neck where she buried her face in the warmth of him. And she was. Lexi had never been more sorry for anything in her life. "I'm just... I'm so scared Cassian. I'm scared we're going to fall in love with this child and I'm going to lose it, I'm scared someone will target them because of my position... I'm scared."

 

[Cassian]

Cassian held onto her for dear life, knowing that he wasn’t just holding onto her. It was everything, his entire heart and soul, their future, all in his arms. What sort of man would he have been if he hadn’t at least tried not to change her mind.

“I know.” He breathed. “Me too, lass.” He frowned. That much had been clear by his initial reaction. “Terrified.. But you aren’t alone. We aren’t alone.” Hell they had a small fucking army surrounding them. “Your parents managed to raise you as well as they did…”

He frowned and shifted back, stroking at her face, combing her hair back and wiping at her tears. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled..” he huffed. “Whether you decide not to through with this or not, I’ll stand by you, alrigh’? But it really is your decision in the end, Lex..”

 

[Lexi Quinzell]

Lexi had always known her decision on some level. It was why fear gripped her so hard. It was why she wanted someone else to make the decision for her, to tell her to go through with it and get rid of it. Because it would make her life simpler and far easier. Worst of all was that the decision made her question how well she knew herself. How many years had she blissfully convinced herself this wasn't what she wanted in life?

She wasn't sure if she'd just cried herself out or it was down to Cassian's undying support.

"I love you," she whispered and let her head fall forward to rest against his forehead. "I... I don't want to get rid of our child, Cass. I guess a tiny bit of me was hoping you did because our lives would be easier and less... terrifying. I just keep seeing the look on your face if I lose this child and it... it breaks me, Cass. I don't know if I can come back from that. And if I break... what happens to the Ravens?"

 

[Cassian]

He let out a sharp huff and ran his fingers into her hair, trying to calm himself as much as her. His eyes were closed, but they shot open as she spoke and a burst of hope rippled through him.

"Hey." he frowned, though it done nothing to hide the smile on his face. "We can get through anythin', lass. you know that. You face terrifyin' shit every day, this... this is, amazing. You are amazing." he smiled and sighed deeply, dropping his gaze and his hand to her stomach. His eyes rose to meet hers again, his dimples returning.. "Now will you just..stop overthinkin' everythin' and let me take care of you?..." he asked.

"I love you. So fuckin' much."