Private Tales What Does Not Kill Us

[Hath Charosh]

Hurt him?

Hath was not entirely certain why she would think such a thing.

<<No>> he said plainly.

Hath turned his head slowly. He didn't pull his hair free, but he was able to glance at her over his shoulder.

The hand at her thigh stayed in place. He didn't push her away. Instead his thumb idly traced up and down, just inside the peak of muscle on her thigh.

 

[Pern]

"Oh." Her voice was small.

Pern watched him as he glanced back at her, eyes slowly going wider as her gaze then panned down to the hand on her thigh, "Okay."

This was ...normal? Maybe it was just his way of saying thanks for fixing my braids. Yes, sure. Pern lightly cleared her throat, adjusted her seat on the boulder a bit, then smiled faintly as she continued. Her claws lightly scraped over scalp as the last of the tangles came free. She opened the jar of mynseed oil paste and carefully began to apply starting just at his temples.

<<Your mother has many braids,>> she knew he preferred to refer to the orcess as the Chief, but they weren't in the clan and she was still his mother, <<she is mighty.>>

 

[Hath Charosh]

<<Kardidua is a fierce leader>> Hath said. <<She is wise too. Not like Dathimm>>

Hath was saying things that he had barely even allowed himself to think. A little space from the tribe and a little bit of time had left him more confident in himself. He allowed just a moment of worry that some of the demon had changed him.

<<Bathyr would not have come to kill me if Dathimm had not agreed.>>

For now, he let his hand settle on her thigh, thumb continued to trace up and down. Pern had not stopped him, but she had not escalated either. Orc women were typically quite fierce when they had made up their minds.

<<That is nice>> he said, tilting back his head and letting her work the oil in from his scalp down.

 

[Pern]

It was not lost on her that he seemed to refuse to use the word mother when referencing Kardidua. Since her very first introduction to his clan and what remained of his family she had felt some semblance of sadness about that. Hath could not allow himself to celebrate in the notion of said family. He could not go back. He had essentially become an orphan. A frown pulled around her tusks as he spoke of Bathyr and Dathimm.

A smile faintly pressed through when he leaned into her hands. She had so little experience in physical interactions. People in Elbion did not touch her, nor did they want to be touched by her. They feared her or were largely repulsed by her. Ignatius had been a kind and gentle soul, her only source of physical affection beyond what she received from Scy on her rare visits. It was still rather foreign to her, this language of touch, and at times quite disconcerting, but this moment was calm, comforting, and nice.

A thought struck her as she gently massaged the oil paste in, following the line of his hair above the shorn sides, <<Do you ... >> Pern hesitated, unsure if the question was appropriate considering the circumstances surrounding it, << ... do you want a braid ... for Bathyr?>>

It was a victory for Hath, to have killed his brother, but was it one he would want that reminder of when it also represented the loss of his home and clan?

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath gave the question some thought. Bathyr had bullied him, belittled him and tried to ensure everyone knew who would lead the tribe one day. Kardidua had allowed it, pushing Hath to the fringes of the clan. It ensured stability and her own offspring carrying on the tribe.

<<No>> he said eventually.

"Fuck him," Hath added in human.

For their strange language and its nuances, they at least had some particularly broad swear words.

<<If I kill his father honourably and the rest of his brood then I can have a braid>> he decided. <<But I have no plans to go back.>>

It was the thought that counted. Accepting that he had been wronged.

<<We will get you home safely>> he asserted.

 

[Pern]

The response was not a surprise. She thought he would decline, if only because what had happened between him and Bathyr had not seemed... right. Hath had spoken about honor on more than one occasion when it came to taking one's place in the clan. Bathyr had not acted honorably, at least not by her estimation, so it was somewhat nice to find she had supposed correctly.

The fuck him did catch her off guard and earned a wilted smile.

Her hands paused as he spoke and for several moments when he fell silent she sat there, wavering between the want to hug him to speak of her own gratitude for him, but also to offer him some comfort. Pern did not think he'd openly speak of pain or grief at the loss of his clan and home, but it had to be there. Deep down. She just did not want to offend him, if in that particular instance, she was entirely wrong.

Still. It felt wrong not to make some kind of gesture. So she leaned forward and down, wrapping her arms about his neck over his shoulders, loosely at first, then more snugly when he did not pull away. Her head sunk down beside his as she squeezed, <<I'm sorry,>> she offered him with a sigh, <<and I know we will.>>

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath would often sit in silence and contemplate. He was comfortable in silence, comfortable in solitude.

Her embrace almost surprised him. Hath drew himself back up from the introspection. Even an orc could get lost in grief. Thinking about it for hours on end was not going to help.

Hath took his hand from her thigh. Heated thoughts of sliding it higher had drifted away. Instead he reached over his shoulder and placed his hand behind Pern's head. He worked his fingers through her hair and down her neck affectionately.

<<What will you do when we reach your home?>> he asked.

<<Maybe I could stay there. With you.>>

If she could suffer the city, then perhaps he could too.

 

[Pern]

This was terribly nice, she decided, and though she'd only meant to hold the embrace for a few moments, Pern remain as his hand kneaded over her scalp and neck.

Even a simple hug can help, her father would say.

But the question of questions she'd been trying to avoid thinking of an answer to. What would she do once she returned home?

<<I do not know,>> she admitted, her weight coming to rest more fully on his shoulders as she settled there to think. There was no telling if she'd still have a job at the smithy, though Pern found it rather unlikely that in the time she'd been away Gibbson's apprentice would be ready to fill in her shoes. He was quite young and not nearly strong enough to do everything that needed doing. Gibbson had been able to offer less and less over the last few years as old injuries slowly degraded his physical abilities in the shop.

Perhaps she'd have a few years left to train the boy, and then she'd have to move on. The Merchant Council would never allow an orc to run a business there, they'd made her perfectly well aware of that.

<<You are welcome to stay with me and father,>> she tilted her head slightly to look at him from where she rested against his shoulder, smiling with amusement, <<you will need pants.>>

 

[Hath Charosh]

<<Then that is decided. I will stay with you. No matter where you go when we get there.>>

He did not know what went around her head as she took her time over his question, only to have those thoughts lead to nothing. Pern had been shown a different world. She might not have fit in that world, but there had been more acceptance of who she was.

Holding her gaze, Hath turned just a little. It allowed him to look at her more directly, even with her chin on his broad shoulder.

<<I prefer your legs out>> he said.

Hath was always subtle with a smile. No orc would show their teeth, but Hath often made it difficult to tell if he found something amusing.

This time he was quite obvious in enjoying the small joke. Her gentle affectionate gesture and the comment lightened his soul just a little. For a good fee seconds, he simply studied her golden gaze.

 

[Pern]

Something squeezed at her heart as he said those words. Pern's smile widened warmly, thinking back to her prior disquiet about potentially never seeing Hath again after she'd arrived back home. Could he be happy in Elbion? Find a place among the people and the prejudice?

The briefest flash of concern showed as she thought on those things, only to be quickly dashed away by the remark about her legs. It was the second time today he'd said as much, but this time she could actually discern the humor in his expression. Pern laughed, suddenly and brightly.

<<Me also,>> she admitted, having grown to find greater comfort and range of motion in her tribal trappings, <<I must make new pants. Mine are small now.>>

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath settled where he was. She enjoyed the complement, but once again he was never certain quite what she took from his words. She was happy to have him stay with her and that meant a great deal to him.

He slipped from her arms, but only so that he could turn around. Hath turned his knees towards his right, turning in the same direction and placing his right hand over her leg to place it on the rock.

He lifted his left hand, reaching towards her face. Hath stopped, holding it in the air and waiting for the confusion to set in.

<<You do not always...notice...>>

"...things," he completed. There was no orc word quite as generic to work.

 

[Pern]

Well, she hadn't expected the moment to last forever and was perfectly content to let him pull away - though Pern was about to remark she'd not yet started on the braids. But there he was, facing her instead. Her eyes tracked the hand that found the stone, and then the one that moved toward her face.

He knew her well enough to expect confusion, and confusion he got in spades.

"Thingsh?" she repeated, uncertainty coloring her expression. Pern wasn't sure what she should be doing with her hands now that his hair was out of reach. They hovered just over her lap, lightly curled.

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath frowned. Even with the slope of the rock, he was barely below her eye level. She looked as if she was staying still the avoid the keen eyesight of a savanna lion.

He was glad he had stopped.

Hath was not a deep, long term thinker. When he spoke, he was direct. Yet Hath still wanted those words to matter.

He thought them through in orcish and in human. He curled his fingers back into his palm.

"I would be yours. Your mate. If you would have me."

That could leave no confusion, where gesture and touch apparently had.

He gave a light shake of his head. A few drops of water landed on her bare shin.

"Think on that. As we travel. I would stay either way," he promised. Hath could be direct, but he always meant what he said.

 

[Pern]

The only time Pern had fallen more still in his presence was the moment he'd told her not to move when danger approached. Though they had no notion of threat nearby, for whatever reason she felt her heartrate skyrocket with a flush of what felt like fear. It struck first in her breastbone and hammered through her veins until it pooled in her core.

There were many thoughts that gushed into her mind after that moment of initial shock passed but the very first that found its way to her mouth and through her teeth did so of its own accord.

"But what about Shcy?" Pern felt a wave of confused concern hit her. He was her mate ... wasn't he?

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath let that question settle. It was a good one. It deserved a reasonable answer. Scabhair was her close friend and he had laid with her under the flickering light of the Great Rites fire.

"She was," he said plainly. "I have not seen her for a long time. I might not again."

Their tribe roamed the Steppes. It was strange to think that he might have more chance of seeing her again by staying in Elbion than roaming the wilds.

His answer was simple, but there was little more to convey to answer the question. He could have said a great deal about the fierce warrior, but Pern had asked a straightforward question and he suspected there would be more.

He let his left hand fall back to his side, seeing the look of shock in her face.

Apparently the hint hadn't even sunk in on a subconscious level.

 

[Pern]

She was.

Might not see her again.

These answers somehow hurt and Pern wasn't entirely sure why. Perhaps because of how much she cherished her friendship with Scy. Or perhaps, deep down, the jealous part of Pern that she refused to acknowledge suddenly found yet another morsel to latch on to. Scy had her tutelage at the collage when she, a daughter of a renowned Maester and long time resident of Elbion, had been barred entry. Scy now also had the affections of Hath.

Pern's human-raised mind fed her the culture of marriage.

A culture that took those bonds till death do us part. Might not see her again sounded to her like Hath did not hold his bond with her to be serious or eternal. Because he had not seen her in a while, he was willing to omit it entirely for another?

That deeper, preternatural part of her growled in exasperation at him, at Scy, at herself. She quelled it with thirty odd years of experience easily enough, but could not silence it completely.

<<You would not look for her?>> Pern asked, hurt on Scy's behalf, "...don't you love her?"

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath tilted his head to one side at the noise she made. Close to an outright threat. As if she would have lashed out. No matter how this conversation went, he realised this would take Pern a long time to sort through.

"We parted ways," he said plainly. "She went to her tribe. I went to mine."

He frowned. He had not been thinking in the human way.

"We traveled for a time. That came to an end. It has been years. We made that choice. If I changed my mind and sought her out, maybe she would have had other mates, maybe she would not."

"A...bond...between two. It is what they make of it. Not for anyone else to say. Kardidua...my mother...and her mate. They are...they are like what a human would know. Others change."

"You are...beautiful and brave and caring and I want you," Hath said. "And even if you did want me back..."

Something that Hath felt must not be the case now. The disappointment on his face could not be entirely hidden. It hurt, but it could not be changed if that was her mind. Orcs did not trade females as property. Every orc had a right to their own decisions in this matter.

"...then we would decide...what that meant."

 

[Pern]

For a long time Pern simply sat there in silence. Listening, worrying, thinking.

Her whole life she had been looked down upon by others. Feared, reviled, pitied, bullied. So few had bothered to look at her as a person. Fewer took the time to get to know her, befriend her. She could recall the deeply-seated feeling of loneliness even when she'd always had the love and support of her father.

She'd never fed dreams or aspirations of finding someone for herself, though she often wanted after what the beautiful people of Elbion had. Secretly she'd thought on the idea of being in love, starting a family. In her dreams she wasn't an orc, but a human that others would accept. Pern had expected to be alone for the rest of her life and she thought she'd reached a point of acceptance of that. Thought she'd be content to simply work at the smithy, even if there wasn't room for her to grow her own reputation or business there.

No one had ever called her beautiful before.

Scy was beautiful... fierce, powerful, courageous, and talented. Why would he ever want after her when he'd had and could continue to have Scy if only he'd go and find her again?

Anxiousness, confusion, uncertainty, hurt, doubt, guilt... it all spun in her chest. Pern's heart continued to hammer as it had been since the moment he said he'd be hers if only she'd have him. When she met Hath's gaze and saw the disappointment, it only made everything worse. She'd never wanted to be home so badly as she did right then.

"I don't..." her eyes crinkled and threatened to tear. Pern gently cleared her throat and employed another well-practiced tactic of hiding ... everything, "I don't know what to shay ... to any of that."

A moment passed before she gently gestured at him, "May I finish your hair?"

Something to do would take her mind off things and he couldn't go into Wikkerton with his hair half-oiled and unbraided. He might run into other orcs and what would they think of him like that.

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath sat in silence and watched it all play out. It was not his place to spin words that made up her mind for her.

A part of himself wished he had said nothing. They could have continued on as close friends without any of this hanging over Pern. She truly hadn't noticed any of the signs and he suspected that she was about to flat out reject the idea.

"I don't..." her eyes crinkled and threatened to tear. Pern gently cleared her throat and employed another well-practiced tactic of hiding ... everything, "I don't know what to shay ... to any of that."

A moment passed before she gently gestured at him, "May I finish your hair?"

She was taking his offer to think about it. That was good. Better, he thought, to have a reasoned answer and a more calm discussion later.

The hand that had reached for her came up again. Not to her cheek, as it had originally been intended. He placed it upon her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. With lips closed, Hath nodded and gave a quiet grunt.

He turned slowly, looking out onto the stream and tilted his head back towards her. He could not keep himself from letting out a low sigh, some of the tension released on that breath.

The waiting had churned up his insides. Sitting and letting her finish his hair was not the worst idea, he decided.

 

[Pern]

There were too many emotions happening at once to know how she felt about anything. Pern's expression back to him registered on the magnitude of a boulder. It was easy enough to return to the ritual of his hair. Repetitive movements and actions that required very little thought but good attention to detail. Helped her ignore everything that had just happened. At least until it was finished.

She'd watched and practiced hair braiding in the clan in the quiet evenings with the children where she also listened and practiced orcish. Pern was not especially masterful at the skill, for certain Troska and Lazi could weave complicated braided patterns in their sleep. Hers was simple and sturdy. By the time she finished pulling the length of his mane up and wrapping the final braid around the base, it was easy to tell just how many victories Hath claimed in his life and that, if nothing else, he was respected enough by someone to take the time and care to show it.

"It ish done," she said while capping the jar of oil paste and returning it to her pack. Her voice betrayed her weariness from the day's events, but Pern was more keen on moving again. She didn't think she could sleep with everything churning through her mind.

"We can go now."

 

[Hath Charosh]

He would not apologise for what he had said. To spend your life considering everything you had done and said would be to stop your life.

Orcs told stories. They all had a root in a great victory or tradegy that had befallen one of their kind. This personal moment might not be worthy of a tale, but the concept of learning and moving forwards was important to him.

Her fingers moving through her hair was relaxing. There was a rhythm to it. It meant that she was staying close and still willing to interact with him.

"We can go now."

"Yes," he said plainly. He ran his hand back over his hair. A pragmatic scout, he only checked that it would not come loose if they got into another scrape.

Hath stood up slowly and turned around slowly.

"I will not speak of that again until you tell me to," he promised.

<<We follow the water but at a distance. Predators wait by the water. Do you understand? >>

 

[Pern]

So it would be on her to bring it up again. She wasn't sure if that was worse than him asking again but she supposed it was the respectful way to handle it.

His words got a quiet nod in return as she pulled the shoulder strap of her bag over her head and settled it into the nook of her hip on her left side. Pern's mind was tired, heart felt wilted, but her feet were ready to move. She waited for Hath to lead the way and followed.

When they had first set off on this journey she'd walked with her eyes to the ground, giving no heed to her surroundings. Now, after all these months abroad and all the dangers they had encountered, Pern kept her saffron eyes on a slow swivel and her ears alert. Though she did not innately know the difference between the sound of a predator versus that of a prey animal, her senses had attuned to the variances of the wilds around her.

Hath had the instincts and the experience, she was simply just another set of eyes and ears.

 

[Hath Charosh]

<<Tomorrow I will make some more arrows,>> he told her. <<That human bow is for a child so they will have to be slim.>>

Hath would need to construct or purchase his own bow, having lost it escaping the elves in Velaeri's talons. His axe was his most valuable possession, but surviving required a bow. Unless he was particularly careful, hunting dinner with an axe was a foolish endeavour.

He did not know the predators that might inhabit these woods. He would rather not fend them off within arm's reach.

He kept the river on their right. Any time the sound of water dropped beyond his hearing, he would meander closer. The woodland was thick. He couldn't see the sun draw down to the horizon, but the light started to change quality.

Hath broke the silence.

<<We refill water skins, then set a fire early>> Hath said, slowing to a stop and turning towards Pern. He glanced upwards, not seeing any trees large enough to take their weight.

 

[Pern]

The walk was long but not nearly as challenging as some. Pern could have kept going, would have rather kept going until she was too exhausted to think, but Hath always seemed to know best when to stop for the day, when to make camp, and when to press on. He received another quiet nod from her in response. They had a general routine for making camp that she'd picked up well enough and so she settled into that.

She would fill the waterskins and set up a fire pit while Hath collected firewood and other items for the evening with his axe. By the time the campsite was set and fire lit, night had well and truly fallen over the lands. It was peaceful here and rather quiet. Some bugs chirped and a few nocturnal animals rustled about. An owl hooted nearby. Pern saw the rounded eyes and slim silhouettes of a small herd of rookdeer not far off.

There did seem to be some activity off in the distance, but so far as Pern could tell everything seemed quite wary of the fire. She kept the fire going and decided to pull out her father's journal to stave off the dark thoughts of today.

She'd killed someone with her hammer and then been propositioned for matehood by the ...ex-mate? of her best friend. Pern wanted for her simple life back at the smithy where no one looked her in the eye or ever told her she was beautiful.

 

[Hath Charosh]

Hath stared at the stars. Against the blanket of pinprick he could see the dark fingers of the trees reaching up wards. He only had a clean view of a small circle of sky.

He could tell that Pern was wide awake.

It was one thing to tell himself not to regret what he had said. It was entirely different, in those strange emotional moments between going to bed and finding sleep, to enforce it. She had not needed this. Not now. She was dealing with killing a man and he had effectively invited her into his bedroll.

The environment was different. It put his instincts on edge. He didn't know these sounds and scents.

After some hours Hath sat upright. Just because he wasn't pushing the matter he had raised, it did not mean they could not talk.

"You are awake. I can teach you a game scouts play drawing lines in the dirt?"