Private Tales Scorched Earth

[Raigryn Vayd]

When she arrived, Raigryn tried to welcome sign again. He was sloppy, not as quick to learn such fundamental skills from the start.

He was already at the table with a chalk board.

"I thought that it would be wise to rest this afternoon and do some handwriting."

On the table was also a spread of dried meats and something resembling a bread that was actually made from a mashed and fried root vegetable.

"Where did she take you?" he asked quietly.

 

[Fife]

She came in, returned his good morning, and, seeing the spread beside the slate, grinned and skipped to the table. She took off her baldric and propped it beside her as she'd seen him do dozens of times. She pointed to the food, brows high in question, then put a piece of the dried meat between her teeth to free her hands.

Fife thought about what Aretta had said, and made a wall with one hand before moving two from behind the hand around front. Outside. She tapped the back of her hand before using both to frame a large rectangle. She glanced over at him, chewed her lip, then pointed to him. No sense in lying. He was bound to ask why Aretta had taken her outside, and Fife was not keen on dishonesty. She had lied once, and mostly by omission. ...And had just failed to fess up for a long time.

But that was different. Knowing about his part didn't change anything. Right?

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

"Ah," went Raigryn. Silence fell. He broke it by drumming his fingers across the table. Eventually he spoke.

"I wish I could see them angry at me," he declared, likely to her confusion. "That always strikes me. It is a hard thing to admit, that you are responsible for almost the complete eradication of a people. It is almost worse when you feel that guilt and they offer you no judgement for it."

He did not meet Fife's gaze as he made the sudden admission. Instead he continued to drum his fingers on th table and watched his own hand.

 

[Fife]

Fife listened, ever silent and watchful. She chewed on the meat, glancing between his hands and his face. He so rarely seemed upset about anything, always well in control of his emotions and how he expressed them.

His response was odd, but... in a strange way, it made sense.

Putting down her snack and picking up the slate, she wrote before turning it around for him.

AR U ANGRY AT ME ?

But she knew the answer to that. No, he wasn't. They had established that. Fife didn't need him to reply before she began cleaning and started again. She stuck her tongue out as she focused on the letters, cramming them into the space when she planned ahead poorly.

IT WAS THE PRINS NOT U RITE?

She turned the slate around. He'd said they were working on letters today, right?

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

He quickly made corrections to the spelling as he composed himself. 'Rite' was particularly egregious.

"In a way, I assume she told you of the ballles, yes? Yes. I had the chance to talk him down from that plan of action after the campaign was done. I was to return to Elbion.

"I was young and hot-headed and did not understand the implications of what his council were suggesting. I was impatient. I wanted a new opportunity to learn and to be congratulated for my bravery."

 

[Fife]

She was a bit chuffed about the spelling errors. It seemed like no matter how well she thought she was doing or how many letters and ways to spell things she learned, she always picked the wrong ones. Fife pursed her lips as he made his corrections, but now she knew.

And now she knew in particular why he felt so guilty. He had mentioned being young and stupid a time or two, and Fife knew he had once served and counseled kings. All of those stories, all of his past -- it seemed to coalesce into this one place and its memory. It was a scab that was trying to heal but he just kept picking at.

Fife didn't know what to say. She wasn't smart enough to know how to argue against his sentiment or experienced enough to offer wisdom to assuage his guilt. She was just a third-rate pickpocket he had fashioned as a human being for gods only knew what purpose. This was beyond her depth and capabilities, and yet she wanted it to be better. He knew what to say to make her feel better when she was feeling like... well, like that. It was maddening, being useless, especially now that she had a person she wanted to be useful to.

Drawing a deep sigh, Fife picked up the slate and rubbed the words away with her sleeve. After a short eternity, she slid it back to him and laid the chalk down with it.

WE MAKE MISTAKES
BUT WE CHANGE

She folded her hands in her lap and waited, still chewing her lip and watching his hands.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

"We do," Raigryn said. He watched Fife carefully. He wanted to see some judgement in her eyes, some anger to find out that he was a liar and a fraud. Not a humble scholar with a twinkle in his eyes, but a monster who had overstayed his welcome.

There was none of that. Almost no judgement at all. Raigryn sighed and pushed away that part of himself that only wanted to feed the darkest of his self images. As an empath it could be hard to keep all those emotions together in a healthy whole and not let them turn sceptic in isolation.

"You don't think so much worse of me?" he asked tentatively. She would not have seem him look this frail since his battle with the orcs over the Belgrath gates.

 

[Fife]

We do. He made no corrections and Fife lifted her eyes to meet his across the table. She stopped worrying her lip between her teeth and waited. Raigryn was looking for something and Fife felt small beneath that inspection. But her mind was open and honest, as easily read as book left on the table.

His question was quiet, hesitant, and it made her insides twist up. Fife's brow knotted and her lips parted as she hastily shook her head. No! Gods no. Was that what he was looking for? The same judgement from her that he couldn't find in the Idemni?

Fife took the slate and chalk, brow still creased and a frown turning down her features, but paused to simply stare at them. She had no idea how to put what was in her mind in words. What did she say back to that?

Knowing changed things for him, but only because he thought she should vilify him for it. Gods knew she understood his reluctance to tell her something like that; she had trusted him in coming here, in going anywhere with him -- especially now that he knew as much about her as he did. That wasn't betrayed any more than she had deceived him, was it?

Okay. So maybe "I feel responsible for genocide" was a bit worse than "I'm actually a girl". But didn't they all hide their worst guilt? Fife wasn't sure what she would have thought of a revelation like this six months ago, but that was six months ago. So much had changed since then. She had changed. That was more important -- that they were changed by that guilt for better.

Fife sighed and set both chalk and slate down. So many words and feelings that she didn't know how to put into letters. She didn't know how to make him understand when she barely understood herself. They had the power to take emotions from others, and yet she couldn't even express her own.

Though failed by her lack of language, Fife cleaned the slate and wrote again, because he deserved something in response.

I THINK U AR GOOD

It was like describing a tree as tall. A tree was a lot more than just tall, but lacking the capability to convey more, it would have to do. She felt... frustrated by how simple and shallow her responses were when he was so vulnerable. It was no wonder he had believed she was a child all this time.

This was all she could offer, however. Fife pushed her small reply across the table and looked up.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

He sat in contemplative silence, eyes slowly glazing over as he looked down at the tablet. Raigryn didn't day anything until tears had welled in his eyes. He wiped them with his fingers and smiled meekly at Fife.

"You're never to spell you like that again. Y-O-U," he said, crying and laughing at the same time.

"I can...feel your frustration that you can't say everything, but this is enough," he said, tapping emphatically at the piece of slate.

"I think you might be the best thing that happened to me Fife," he admitted. Raigryn wiped his eyes again, swallowed and looked away. He felt his was filled with a pressure with no relief.

"Lessons. We were supposed to do lessons."

 

[Fife]

He didn't say anything at all for a while, looking at the slate, and then tears -- tears! As if his brooding wasn't bad enough! But he wiped them away and smiled, and...

Admonished her spelling. She'd been looking at him with a rising sense of panic and helplessness, but her face closed up in chagrin as heat flickered onto her cheeks. She glared at the slate. Damn these letters!

But she had done something right. Fife looked up, her mind strangely silent at the words and her face brightening as the expression fell slack. Her?

He looked away and she did the same. What a strange sentiment. She had absolutely no idea what the mix of feelings that elicited were called. It felt good, but also felt like he was absolutely ridiculous. He was the one who had pulled her up from the gutter. All she had done was tag along for entertainment and double his tavern tabs.

Had this gone well? Her insides were all still knotted up, but... not in the awful way they had been before. This was good, right? All the ugly was laid out and dealt with now? No more terrible secrets?

Fife smirked and, reaching her narrow hands across the table, sheepishly pulled the slate and chalk back. She wrote you are right on the board, all the words spelled properly this time. She turned it around with a widening grin to alleviate the weird tension. See? They were doing the lesson.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

"You are..."

Raigryn pursed his lips and fixed Fife with a stare. One that he could barely hold before breaking into a laugh. He managed to continue wagging a finger at her as he shook it off.

It wasn't fair to put this on Fife. She was a young woman who had been through far worse in her life than he had. He had dragged her to all corners of the world and used her as a mirror to reflect upon himself and his increasingly small part in it.

He cared for her too much for it to be a one way emotional relationship. He cared for her too much. As soon as he thought it he decided that was irrational.

"No Empathy today," he said. He didn't know how Fife was feeling, but he certainly wasn't centered enough to use any of his magic safely.

"Thank you," he said suddenly again, interrupting himself.

"Anyway...where did we get to..."

 

[Fife]

He was amused, which she counted as a victory. Great work, Fife. A job well done. She couldn't say any of the things cloying up her head and she couldn't chase away the clouds of his guilt, but she could do this.

He decided against Empathy for the day, and Fife agreed. Neither of them were in a great place for it today, and she was thankful for a day to sort out this weird tension. She wasn't really sure what she was feeling as she grinned victoriously, but she knew it had been a challenging two days.

Raigryn thanked her, however, and she blinked up at him in surprise before offering back a warm, bright smile. She had thanked him yesterday when she had been feeling raw, so she couldn't fairly argue when it was his turn. (Even if she didn't think he had any good reason to thank her.) They didn't have a sign for you're welcome between them, though. A smile would have to be enough.

She hissed with laughter when he circled back. Fife pushed the chalk toward him with a slender finger and wiggled a piece of dried meat at him before taking a bite. Lessons and food. She signed good morning and they were right back to where they had been when he had asked where she had gone.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

In three weeks they had learned a good fraction of the basics of the Silent Way. For many uses the basics was all it had. There was remarkable depth in the language when it came to discussing methods of murder or selecting a poison.

It hadn't really been designed for detailed conversation but it brought them far closer on a communications front. His eyes could grow tired from following her hands. He found that he had started to feel the Idemni way of life. At times he forgot to even look at Fife's expression when looking at the hands became natural.

When Fife returned from learning the sword she would find Raigryn in a contemplative mood. There was a sheaf of paper turned over on the table. It had a broken wax seal of navy blue, a mandala pressed into it.

"Fife," he said, "I might have to go away for a few weeks." He signed as he spoke, trying to practise to art at every opportunity.

 

[Fife]

Time passed slowly here, yet the days steadily crawled by. A week passed before she had realized it, then three. Fife was never wanting for something to do. Between Aretta, Maellarn, and Raigryn, her time was filled with one lesson or another. Her arms were exhausted from wielding her sword. Her legs ached from practicing maneuver after maneuver. She could barely keep her eyes open for more than an hour after dinner that whole first week.

It got easier, and she got stronger. She fell into the routine of Idemni life. Keeping a slack expression got easier, but Fife was notoriously prone to pink cheeks and expressive brows. What she lacked in facial discipline, however, she made up for in attentiveness and an indomitable drive to learn. She swallowed up the lessons of the Silent Way like water after weeks in the desert. And wasn't it? It was obviously intended for use the Idemni way, but it was so much more than silence.

When she wasn't getting battered with a sword with Ylerial, signing until her hands cramped, mangling spelling words, or picking up stray emotions with Empathy practice, Fife still found ways to keep busy. She had her sword now, which she tended to as religiously as she did her crossbow. (Which, though going unused for now, still got its usual upkeep.) And, of course, she slipped away most afternoons to visit Dusty and Socks. She was getting more confident bareback riding, taking the pair out on her own to the lake or for a walk.

She was getting more confident in a lot of ways. She didn't cry when a random Idemni woman volunteered to scrub her raw each morning. They weren't exactly random anymore -- they had familiar faces and names. That helped. While she was still very much an outsider in their culture, Fife felt comfortable here. What had once made her feel safe and comforted now felt restrictive, limiting her breathing and flexibility.

So she had started loosening her bindings, little by little. She didn't stress out as much when her trousers fit a bit snug, or that her tunics were feeling small. It was okay. This was a safe place. She would outgrow these clothes, the last remnants of her deception -- a chrysalis that she would soon emerge from, but not yet.

By the end of three weeks, she could walk the camp without feeling skittish or nervous. Today in particular, she walked alone from her sword lessons to Maellarn, but Raigryn wasn't there. With only a few places he could be, she found him at their tent without much fuss.

As hard as she worked to maintain sobriety outside of the tent, she only seemed to smile more here. She flashed him a grin and skipped to stand beside the table.

There you are. She finally seemed to notice his pensive look, and glanced between him and the letter. A letter? All the way out here? That couldn't be good.

And it wasn't. The brightness immediately drained from her face and Fife sat down slowly. Go away? For a few weeks? She frowned at the letter like it had smacked her.

Why? Where are you going? A furrow formed between her brows as she lifted her eyes once more. It felt like there was a stone in her chest, heavy and foreboding. Fife raised her hands to sign again, but hesitated.

She had been doing well about being more independent, giving him some liberty while also building her own self-confidence. She couldn't rely on him to fix her forever, and didn't want him to carry that burden. So Fife's hands continued reluctantly. I'm not going with you?

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

"Not this time, no," he said. He signed a simple no to go alongside it.

"There is an old colleague of mine who suspects a demonic incursion West of Elbion. You are not ready for this, not yet."

Raigryn offered a soft smile. He had taken Fife into danger before, even if he hadn't always anticipated the trouble they found themselves in. That he wouldn't this time suggested that it was truly dangerous.

"You can read the letter if you like. I don't know anyone I trust more or..." he said, cocking his head to one side, "...as good at keeping secrets."

"I am going to ask Aretta to take her young prodige. So expect a grumpy elf partner as she was apparently sleeping with him."

Given Fife's lack of training in capturing the essence of Desire and the Idemni self control that might have come as something of a surprise.

 

[Fife]

"A demonic incursion." Fife's brow hitched upward at that and she looked at him a little incredulously. On the one hand, thank the gods he wasn't going to drag her into something like that. On the other hand...

She shook her head, declining the offer to be read the letter. She gave it a dour glare. The more sensible part of her was glad to be spared the life threatening adventure. A far less rational part of her was upset that she was being left behind. Especially when he told her he wanted to take Gerish. Gerish! Over her?

But her brain stuttered to a halt. She physically sat back, blinking ag that comment. He surely didn't mean Ylerial. Color blazed onto her cheeks.

Y and G? she signed, the closest she could get to their names because she was not making an attempt to spell them. Fife looked horrified by the suggestion, but the topic alone had the bridge of her nose blazing. She is a child. Fife made a terrible hodgepodge of Silent Way and their old sign to make that statement work.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

Fife

"I am going to say just two things on the matter. No, three. I am going to say three things on the matter."

Raigryn had stopped signing. Instead he held up three fingers as if he needed them for his own memory.

"First of all age in a different thing for the elves. The line between childhood and adulthood stretches over many many years."

"Secondly the Idemni have their own cultural views on the matter. Age included. They see desire like...hunger. And you would not train hungry."

"Finally I do not like to interfere on such matters."

The final statement was a half truth. He interfered all the time. He also adored hearing and spreading gossip. What he truly meant, and did not say, was that it was a matter he did not want to discuss in particular detail with Fife. He was fairly certain she would feel the same.

"Gerish might seem, well he is, a simple soul. However he is an absolutely ferocious fighter. At some point I do not doubt Aretta will make yourself and Ylerial try and spar against him at the same time. You will both lose at first. Badly."

 

[Fife]

Fife's brow only creased deeper as he made his argument. She blinked and looked down at the table, face somehow more scarlet as the conversation continued. It seemed so odd to her. Gerish of all people. Then again, he was the only person who spoke a lick of elvish here. But Gerish.

She sighed and put her hands on her cheeks like they would cool off the color. She supposed, for people who wanted it, the absence of a stigma in Idemni culture would be a relief. Fife certainly wouldn't call it a basic need like hunger, but her opinions and experience on the matter varied greatly from most everyone else.

Shaking her head, she let that go. Their business was their business.

Fife didn't doubt for a minute any number of Idemni would kick her butt. It wasn't Gerish's ability that upset her, however. It was just that it was Gerish and not her.

She laced her fingers in her lap and looked away. Jealousy was a new feeling. She didn't want to be left here while he went off exploring. She didn't want him to leave. Perhaps she was being a little selfish, too. Her foot rapped as she sat momentarily in contemplation. Reflecting on her feelings and understanding them was important, right? Unpleasant as it may be to find these ones. Raigryn had a way of drawing out the obscure and rare emotions in her -- and without a scrap of magic to do so.

While she was trying to keep her mind closed to spare herself most of the embarrassment of feeling childish, she was less skilled at concealing her body language. Eyes averted and lip being worried between her teeth, she nodded. She grabbed the slate and quickly wrote what she couldn't sign.

BE SAFE

She was trying not to think about half a dozen instances where, in her company, he had been reckless. Fife pushed the slate across the table and folded her hands in her lap, not looking at him because she was both sad and angry with him and she knew all of it was absolutely irrational.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

"I will do my best. Some old friends will be meeting me there. I promise you will get to meet them one day."

He left the silence stretch out for some time. It wasn't his place to teach right now. Fife was already clearly trying to settle this in her own mind.

"I would not go if it was not such concerning news. An urgent matter. I know...you have not had many reliable people in your life Fife. I will return. And I will expect to find out that you have continued to be an exceptional student."

There was no force behind the final demand, just a sad smile.

"I will miss you. Do you want to come and get Dusty ready with me, wish him well too?"

 

[Fife]

Fife sighed heavily. It was not his fault the world seemed so hectic. She could hardly blame Raigryn for wanting to go fight demons of all things. Such was in his nature. She had spent almost a year wandering with him as he bounced around from one curiosity to another. Sitting still in a place that inspired feelings of regret and guilt was more difficult than running to stop disaster.

Nodding, she glanced up at him briefly. He had better come back. If he didn't... Well, she had about as much idea of what she would do if he didn't as she did for how to get those dream chickens.

Hearing him admit that he would miss her made her feel weird. Like she needed to puke but also like she wanted to run away. Also like she was a piece of paper being crumpled up and discarded. And a bit like a warm bath, which seemed like a vague, distant memory after the shockingly cold river water.

It was a day for feeling strange. Fife stood and nodded, eager to do something besides stew in them. Socks was going to be miserable. They hadn't been apart since they had gotten him -- not even briefly. She was specifically not thinking about the fact that it was essentially the same for her and Raigryn.

But those were weird feelings, and she wasn't looking at them right now. Dusty. They were going to see Dusty. Fife went to the front of the tent and waited for Raigryn to catch up.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

As they walked, Raigryn was reminded of one other aspect of Fife's training that he hadn't come entirely clean about. In the circumstances it brought a deep well of guilt that he could not ignore.

"Empath's..." he announced in the tone that always came before a lesson, "have something known as a mental kata. It is an exercise, or a series of them, that we use to help re-centre ourselves. I believe that looking after the ponies has become yours. I did not admit this to you before."

Raigryn grimaced but kept his gaze on what passed for stables ahead of them. She would have to make the link herself, that even now he was using that knowledge to try and help her find balance now.

"If you feel off centre, spend time with Socks. Brushing is so simple, so repetitive. These are the kinds of tricks that help keep you in balance."

 

[Fife]

She only glanced up, curiosity brightening her features. Fife knew a lesson starting when she heard it. Kata? It was something he had never mentioned before. She grinned and nodded, then held herself -- a sign for comfort. Tending the horses cleared her mind the way one opened the windows and swept a room. Now she had a name for it and a good excuse to do it.

But her smile turned bittersweet. Seeing Socks would make both her and the pony feel better. The second half of her days would feel empty without letters and Empathy. She was going to be very good at braiding horse tails when he got back. Fife offered him a thumb up, an assurance that she would be sure to do as he suggested.

The stables were a welcome sight. As slipped into Dusty's stall, Fife whistled his name and patted his shoulder in greeting. Next door, Socks whickered for treats, and she whistled his name, too. Whether or not they understood it made little difference, it was more for her amusement anyhow.

She proceeded to treat Raigryn like he had never cared for a horse a day in his life. She picked up one of Dusty's feet and pointed to the frog. He had stepped on a rock and was babying it. She pointed firmly to Raigryn and then at the brush and Dusty -- as much of a threat to make sure he brushed him as she could manage. Then she set about fussing over him herself, brushing his already sleek coat, cleaning his hooves, and combing out his mane and tail. Both horse and pony were well groomed. She had no hobbies but this one, after all.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

Gerish and Aretta arrived soon after. Ylerial was notably absent after recent revelations.

"You will do exactly as Raigryn instructs you," Aretta told her apprentice. His hand made an angry flick and she repeated: "Exactly. "

He had no horse, but was carrying supplies for the walk back to civilisation. Once, much like empaths, they had owned institution across the western lands. Now they had their own world of isolation and several informants in the cities.

"Fife, you may keep your tent or if you would rather move in with another apprentice. Normally we would make you, but with the wars of Amol-kalit we are very busy. Profitable times, but also quiet around here."

Raigryn realised that he was ready to go and turned towards Fife slowly. He looked sad to be leaving now, as the reality struck home. He had been around his apprentice for a long time now. His memories of striking out on his own were not always pleasant.

"Until I return then?" he offered Fife.

 

[Fife]

She greeted Gerish and Aretta politely when they came, putting Dusty's brushes in one of his bags. She thought carefully on Aretta's question. Did she want to stay with someone else? She raised her hands to reply, but stopped suddenly, holding them to her chest.

No. She didn't. She corrected herself and looked between Raigryn and Aretta. Alone.

She kept odd hours sometimes, even now, and wouldn't subject another to her late night frights. Fife's nightmares had relented over the past year, but when she woke up in the night, knowing Raigryn wasn't far had served as a form of comfort. Would that be the same of someone else? Either way, she wasn't trading one crutch for another. They had communicated some deep stuff since coming here, but her nightmares had (thankfully) gone unaddressed. They were something she just needed to fix on her own.

Fife was unaccustomed to goodbyes. She didn't know if finding out within the hour of his departure was better or worse than having warning. She liked to think this would be best, saving her time she would have spent stewing on it. Then again, tearing off a broken nail was sometimes worse than letting it fall off in it's own time.

But Raigryn was all ready to go now, and she could see the sadness plainly in his features when he turned to her. Fife met his eyes only briefly, a small smile flitting across her lips. She nodded. She wouldn't disappoint him, even in his absence. When he came back, he would see that she had handled herself just fine. She reminded herself that he was coming back, and that he had survived for... well, a long time before picking her up.

She didn't know how to say goodbye, though. A wave and a smile had always seemed to suffice to their acquaintances. But that seemed so impersonal. She mangled her signed vocabulary to say something.

You be safe.

// Raigryn Vayd //​

 

[Raigryn Vayd]

It was exceptionally cruel to leave like this, Raigryn thought as he looked down at Fife. He had glad that she was here. They had spent weeks settling into the routine and the idemni way. At least she had that. It did not feel as if it was enough. If he did not return at least Aretta and her people would find a future for her.

"I will be, you look after yourself," Raigryn said. "Fife, I..."

Two steps and he stood over her, holding out his arms. She did not know what she had imparted when Raigryn had borrowed from her fear, when he had pulled too suddenly. He wanted to embrace her suddenly, give her a squeeze and explain everything. He didn't want to take her back to that abandoned house where they had been attacked, or to any worse place.

"Come here?" he said softly, offering the space between his arms.

Aretta and Gerish looked away sharply, embarrassed by such a public show of emotion.