Private Tales Reconciliation

[Zana]

What if she hadn't found her indeed. She'd left this in the hands of her agents still in the city; had they gone rogue or had they simply not bothered to get round to it until the girl was of age? Zana made a quiet hmm noise then blinked when she suddenly found arms around her. Two hugs in one day when she had barely gotten one a year from the young recruit before. With a smile she returned the gesture and then pulled back to wipe her tears.

"It was the least I could do," she wished she could have done more. "I am serious about you visiting though, Ellie. I can give you directions on how to reach me if you need to send me a message and I can meet you," she wouldn't ever write her actual address down. If it fell into the wrong hands... It didn't bare thinking about.

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor took her seat again and wiped her eyes once more. She was crying way too much today and she didn't know how she felt about it. She wrung her hands for a minute in the silence, nervous to ask her next question.

"Zana," she paused for a few seconds before continuing. "Would it be okay if I stayed a little bit now? I don't think I am ready to say goodbye to you."

No, that was a terrible idea. Talus wouldn't want her here. Zana was being pleasant but she probably was already ready for her to go away. Zana had started a new life with her husband.

 

[Zana]

Zana's eyes softened and then she laughed and rubbed the back of her neck.

"It wouldn't be a problem but..." she bit her bottom lip. Even thinking of her children simply made her want to burst with happiness. But screaming children probably wasn't the type of get away that Ellie had been thinking of. "It's probably best if I show you," she smiled and then stood.

Zana waited to see first if Eleanor would follow her then led her from the backroom upstairs to one of the bedrooms. She pushed the door open carefully and the great direwolfs head came straight up, lips pulled back in a half snarl until he saw who it was.

"Easy boy," Zana affectionately patted the great wolfs head. He of course knew Ellie and his tail gave a familiar thump and wag but his eyes still watched them keenly as Zana made her way over to the cot. She gently reached in and picked up her cooing daughter.

"Ellie I'd love for you to meet my daughter and my son, Lyra and Alec. If you can stand their screaming you're welcome to stay."

 

[Eleanor]

But...of course there was a but, Eleanor thought sadly. There was always a but especially in her life. Except this time Zana stood and smiled and led her upstairs. Best if I show you...

As soon as Eleanor say Grey, she smiled so widely. She pet the direwolf on his head as she passed and wanted to give him a hug, but she was distracted by Zana picking something up.

It. Was. A. Baby.

Daughter and son...twins. Zana and Talus had had twins. She had no idea how old they were but now she wondered if these little bundles were the real reason why Zana had to leave so quickly. Ella had never seen a baby before, but they were pretty cute.

She slowly reached out a hand to touch Lyra's head, but she looked at Zana before she did. "Can I...touch her?" Were babies like glass? They seemed like glass. Lyra and Alec looked so vulnerable and breakable.

"They are beautiful, Zana. Absolutely perfect. Are they the real reason you left so quickly? Why you both are in hiding?" Of course they were. She didn't need to ask that. Dreadlords were never permitted to love or have a family. It was something that Eleanor had long given up even thinking about. Maybe now though. Maybe.

"For some reason, I don't think I would mind their screaming so much. I can already tell they are hard to be mad at!" The joy in her voice was so real right now.

 

[Zana]

"Of course you can," Zana laughed softly and the little girl in her arms gurgled. She nodded to the rocking chair in the corner for Ellie to take a seat and then carefully lowered Lyra into her arms, showing her how best to support her daughters head. The beginnings of a cry came from the other cradle and Zana went back to fetch her son.

"They get jealous if one gets attention," she mused as she rocked Alec tenderly till the pitiful cries became happy babbles of nonsense. Her smile grew impossibly brighter for a second before thinking of Ellies question. With a grimace she nodded.

"I was six months pregnant when the revolution happened... Talus wanted me to leave as soon as we found out I was... but I couldn't. I couldn't leave and let people fight for a cause I'd asked them to join," it made her sick thinking back on it now. She'd been so reckless. Anything could have made her lose the twins. "But even with the changes beginning we didn't want to raise them there. Not with the memory of those we'd lost and what we'd gone through."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor looked down at the baby girl in her arms. She was beautiful like her mother already. Blonde hair like her father and green eyes like her mother. She would be stunning when she was older. Ella rubbed the girls soft head with the hand that was not supporting her and smiled.

"He was right to want you to leave. All three of you could've gotten killed!" There was force to her words but she wasn't loud. She didn't want to wake the adorable child in her arms. She briefly wondered if she could ever have one of these. A baby. A child. A part of her. It was so astounding of a thing.

"Zana, thank you for letting me stay. I just need time to process everything and maybe I can go back a new woman. Maybe..." She trailed off and smiled at Lyra again.

"So Edric and I were talking about what we would do if we weren't Dreadlords. He suggested that I write a book about pre and post revolutionary Dreadlords and the Academy and Vel Anir. It is something I am considering especially now that I know you didn't abandon me and forget about me."

It was weird that her rage and sadness was already starting to subside some. Just knowing the few things she needed to know had helped her. It had started to heal her.

 

[Zana]

Zana settled herself down into a worn armchair with a slight wince and settled Alec comfortably in her arms. Grey slunk over to peer over the arm of Ellies chair down at the sleeping girl, ears twitching to and fro.

"A book?" the ex-Dreadlord repeated in surprise. Writing was not a passion she had ever thought might reside in Eleanor but... the more she mused on it the more it felt right. Who better placed to write about these crossroads the Anirians found themselves on than a child whose life would have been to be a living, thinkless weapon but could now be anything? If the future impacted anyone the most it was those of her age.

"You should talk to my old friend, Sierra," when she had left Sierra was looking to be placed high up in the Academy. She'd worked tirelessly for years getting children out of the Academy before they could undergo the Dreadlord process and she was passionate about rooting out the rot still left in it. "Well, Talus' friend more than mine. She would be really interested in such a project."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor transferred the hand that had been on Lyra's head to Grey's instead. She scratched between his ears and smiled at him. She would definitely need to get a direwolf after graduation. Could one get a direwolf? She would need to ask Zana at some point in the future.

"When - if - I start writing it, I will seek her out. I am sure I would need help." The thought appealed to the young Dreadlord Initiate everytime she seemed to wander into the future territory.

"I love reading too, but I don't think there are many non boring jobs that involve reading." There may have been, but honestly Ella didn't know much about the kids of jobs available in the world outside the Academy.

 

[Zana]

Zana laughed softly and rocked back and forth with the babe in her arms as she pondered jobs that involved books and reading.

"Talus once told me of a Templar organisation that are pretty much battle librarians," her lips twitched. He'd always joked she would make a good templar with her love of reading and her magic. "The White Ravens I believe they're called. It's said they have the largest collection of Lost knowledge and the library goes several hundred feet under ground to contain it all. Some of the books are even said to be alive themselves. They go out and fight monsters most people believe a myth," it had sounded like a fanciful daydream once.

She glanced down at Alec's slowly closing eyes.

"I'm glad I made the effort to make you read more. Sloan did the same with me, but I didn't appreciate it until I left and realised a lot of Dreadlords struggled to read at all."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor's mouth hung slightly open as Zana told her about the White Ravens. That sounded like the type of shit that she needed in her life. Reading and fighting? That would seriously be perfection. She smiled at the thought as she watched the sleeping baby in her arms.

Ella looked up at Zana again, "I am too. It helps me," she paused, "escape the real world." Ella sat in silence, rocking Lyra and smiling down at her adorable sleeping baby face. Babies really were cute.

"Zana," Ella didn't look up. She was about to ask the tough questions again and she couldn't look her mentor in the eye when she did. "How do you...how have you adjusted? I know you said that you haven't completely but how do you even cope day to day?"

 

[Zana]

Zana's brows knitted together as she thought about what she had been doing then she gave a harsh laugh.

"I don't think I should be telling you, they're not good coping mechanisms," Alec made a quiet bubbling noise and put his fist in his mouth making her smile faintly. "The twins help a lot - focusing on looking after something or someone else helps pull you through. But I wouldn't advice going out and getting pregnant at your age," she added rather sharply before looking up at Ellie with raised eyebrows. Then she lapsed back into thoughtful silence.

"Honestly... it was doing something to get my anger and grief out. We have a farm, so I worked on that from dawn till dusk or until I was too tired to think. Like I said, not very good coping mechanisms. But finding something to channel that same kind of energy into might help. Talus helps a lot too, though he had his own demons..." She sighed sadly. "I think... it is a matter of time for us all."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor chuckled lightly at Zana's words and sharp look. "Don't worry, Zana! I do not indeed to have kids..." Her voice trailed off as she thought about the fact that she actually had a choice now. She could have kids if she wanted to someday. It was a weird feeling knowing that she had choices and it didn't matter how many times she thought about it.

Ella had had days where she was too tired to think, but they had become less frequent since the changes. Now they had study time and free periods. They had dances and therapy sessions. It was all bullshit. Lyra stared up at Eleanor with her big green eyes and made adorable babbling noises. The baby took Ella's pointer finger in her tiny fist and just fell back asleep while holding it.

"If I tell you something really bad...will you judge me?" Eleanor needed to talk to someone about her recent feelings and what she had been up to. It was bad, but she only felt a slight guilt. She felt like she should feel terrible about it.

 

[Zana]

"I don't think I'm in a position to ju-- Alec!" Zana glanced down at the babe who had somehow caught a lock of her hair and had begun to tug hard, laughing the entire time her nose was scrunched up. Prying the tiny vice off her hair and tucking it firmly out of the babies grip, she passed him a small carved rattle instead which he started to shake with enthusiasm. She shook her head.

"I don't think I'm in a position to judge you, Ellie. You forget I spent over 20 years as a Dreadlord," her lips twitched. "And there was a reason I climbed my way to the top, and it certainly wasn't anything to do with my secret culinary skills that's for sure."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor looked back down at the innocent bundle in her arms. Such a bright future she had and loving parents who who die for her. Lyra was a lucky girl indeed. She took a deep steadying breath and looked back up at Zana.

She had mentioned this in passing but not in the detail that she was about to. She knew the babies couldn't understand her, but she still felt a little bad talking about it in front of them.

"I have no issues with killing, obviously, but recently I," she paused and took one more breath. "I have taken pleasure in torturing people. I mean, they weren't human and the proctors said to take care of them but I didn't just kill them..."

Ella fidgeted some before continuing. She felt like she should feel guilt over this. More guilt. Actual guilt. She only felt bad that she didn't feel bad. "I enjoyed making them suffer, Zana. I wanted to make them scream."

She couldn't even look up now. Zana would probably be disgusted with her. She had always felt pleasure from killing and that was normal for her. Now she liked dismembering and slowing cutting someone until the bled to death.

 

[Zana]

Zana listened quietly and without judgement as Ellie worked her way through what she had to say. There was no point rushing a conversation like this and it was certainly not helpful to just dismiss her feelings as trivial. Things she might have done years ago if she hadn't lost a part of her soul in a bargain that had ironically led her to this outcome. If she hadn't who only knew where she would be right now. Probably not much better off than Ellie was now. As she drew to an end of her explanation Zana finally frowned but it was in thought rather than in judgement.

"Ellie... what you're feeling is what you've been trained to feel your whole life. We... I... moulded you into a weapon. That was your design. It was my design too, what Sloan had to turn me into. It's not an easy thing to suddenly change just because the revolution has happened. It took me nearly five years to reach where I am now from when I first started realising I wanted to make my own choices," she took a deep breathe. "And I still enjoyed taking off everyone of those Dreadlords heads after the revolution," something which pained her to admit. But she had been so angry...

"Vel'Anir failed you, it failed me, it failed every child it took from their parents and did this too. And I'm sorry to say but there's no easy way to fix that. It just takes... time."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor rocked the chair slowly as Zana talked. She was right, of course. She had been trained to be a weapon and maybe she just hadn't tapped into this torturous side until she was so hurt from being abandoned. She wanted to make others suffer like she did everyday.

"Thank you," she said softly as she looked up at the woman who was essentially her mother. "I guess I just needed to hear that I wasn't crazy. I was really worried since it was a new thing."

Lyra was awake again and babbling happily like everyone in the room could understand what she was saying. Ella made a face at her and touched her little nose, Lyra made a baby squeal of what was possibly giggling. Ella didn't know what the sound was but the toothless smile gave her some clue.

"I am jealous of your children, Zana. Envious of the life they will have without the strike we went through. Envious of their fantastic parents that will love them more than they can even comprehend."

Ella felt tears welling up in her eyes again. What she wouldn't give to live another life with parents and siblings and love. A life where she had never killed anyone. A fantasy.

 

[Zana]

"Me too."

Zana smiled to watch Lyra and Ellie as her daughter tried to explore this new person who held her. She and Talus - Talus probably more so - were extremely protective over the people who they let handle or near their children. Her daughter was probably just happy to see someone other than their faces. Her smile deepened at the thought before vanishing as she reflected on her own childhood. So different. Even Sloan hadn't been able to protect her from the deeper evils of that place. She'd still had to take Zana every week to that hell beneath the docks where she'd been tortured until her visions had appeared...

She took a breath.

"But it's not too late for you. You're young, Ellie, you have a whole life to live and now... now you can live it anyway you choose. And you know I will always be here for you, no matter what."

 

[Eleanor]

Eleanor had ended up spending five days total with Zana and her family. It had been relaxing and something she had truly needed. The anger she held inside because of her mentor had subsided and she felt renewed. She still had issues, of course, but she felt like she would be able to heal from her abandonment now. The wealth that Zana had saved for her did not hurt either.

Ella had said her goodbyes to everyone except Zana. The two women stood together in Zana's grandmothers livingroom and Ella was already crying. She clung to Zana and didn't want to let go. She didn't want to go back to the Academy.

"Thank you for letting me stay. Thank you for everything, Zana. You helped me already start to heal and I," she paused. "I love you, Zana." Ella squeezed harder for a few more minutes before she finally let go and stepped back. "I will write you as often as I can." The retired Dreadlord had given her instructions on how to get ahold of her without putting her family in danger.

Eleanor hugged her one more time and wiped her eyes. "I will see you soon, Zana. I promise."

 

[Zana]

Whilst Zana had agreed with Talus that Ella should finish her studies at the Academy, it was still a hard thing to say goodbye.

"I love you too," she murmured against the girls hair as she held her tight in a hug she hoped would be imprinted on the girls mind for the months ahead. It was going to be hard - Talus certainly hadn't held back on what his last year had been like - but she had every confidence that Ellie would not only survive but that it would be for her benefit. The skills a person learnt when becoming a Dreadlord... well. They were skills for life.

"Stay safe," she repeated and cupped the girls cheeks, drying her tears with her thumbs. "And remember everything I taught you. Make me proud, and then come visit me after graduation." Which there was no doubt in her mind she would.

"Bye Ellie, we'll see each other soon."