The day began as it always did for Carmen, would wake up in the middle of the afternoon, scratch his ass, take a bite out of the month-old stale bread hidden in his sweat-stained shirt, and go back to sleep in the back of his moldy cart. He had nothing better to do today as usual, as he was known by the city's merchants as "the Literal Worst Courier" as well as many other shameful nicknames from the other inhabitants of the city that he had earned for himself in the 34 years of his life he spent miserably stagnating in Alliria.
He didn't even have a horse to pull his cart, which set off red flags in many potential clients. Few people gave him the benefit of the doubt, expecting him to have a magical ability which allowed him to deliver without the need of a horse, but they would soon find out that wasn't the case in the slightest. He demanded pay upfront and would spend his newly found riches on cheap alcohol and would take weeks to complete the simplest local delivery jobs. He would even sometimes steal a portion of a package based on whether it could be pawned off for drinking money. Although his services were cheap, being around the same price as a warm pint of beer, his low-quality work driven off all of the few that dared hired him; even those in the slums would consider spending what little coin they had on someone else.
Carmen rolled over in his musty cart, putting the last of his stale bread into his mouth. He winced in surprise, finding that the piece he had eaten was unfortunately covered in mold. He began to welcome the new flavour as he covered his palate with the bread. Damn, I just bought that bread a few weeks ago. The nerve of that baker to try and poison me when I so kindly let him keep the change that I bought the bread with. Even though the extra coppers I gave him were actually dried horse dungs I shaped into coins, he so rudely called the guards when I tried to take another piece o' bread on my way out. Next time I oughta use cow dung since it don't smell as strong.
He struggled to rise from the ground, as he had slept through the whole previous day and his bones ached far too much for this middle-aged man. He mustered up one final ounce of courage and rose with a loud groan. *CRACK-CRACK-CRACK-POP* "Ahhhhhhh....damn I wanna lie down again." He spat out the piece of bread he was sucking on. He was going to complain about the mold in his bread and demand a refund, and he was going to scream and cry and shout perverted words in front of the bakery until he got his money back.
Carmen jumped off his wagon with the image of an epic hero dismounting his horse in mind and slammed face first into the warm pavement. He had expected there to be hay to soften the impact. He then remembered that he didn't pay to park his cart in the stable two days ago, so the owner must've gotten someone to move his cart into the alleyway while he was asleep. Damn those guys. I'll get my revenge an y'all later. He held his throbbing face with one arm and put the wet piece of mold-bread into his pocket with the other as he tried to stand.
He rasped loudly as he picked himself up and felt a pain in his throat. He hadn't had anything to drink in a day, so he resolved to test his luck to see if he could scam a drink off some fool. He sauntered his way through the lonely alley, scanning the ground for any loose change, when the sun blinded him as soon as he stepped out into the street. "Dammit, why's the sun gotta be out so damn early!" he complained loudly. He grumbled and stomped his way inconveniently across the busy street, pushing up against any pretty women that were unfortunate enough to be near his planned path. The people around him threw objects and shouted insults at him as his passed through the crowd, ignoring the people around him and brooding to himself that he would one day have his payback on these rude bastards.
"Hey Shit-man, eat this!" Carmen heard a loud voice yell behind him and rapidly span around on his heels to see a man holding a bucket full of liquid. Carmen mentally prepared himself as the man winded up the bucket to throw at him. The man threw the bucket and Carmen lunged face first into the bucket mid-air, drinking the contents as fast as he could before he fell. He soon discovered the liquid to be wolf urine from the odor and fell flat on the ground with an empty bucket still stuck to his head, his clothes soaked in wolf piss. But Carmen had to play it cool if he wanted a beer, so he calmly stood straight up, took the bucket off his head without showing an ounce of emotion and lobbed it back to the speechless crowd. He smiled to himself as he pushed open the door to the bar. That'll teach em not to fuck with me. He had won.
He sauntered into the bar, barely holding back the urge to vomit after downing a gallon of piss, and sat down on a barstool in the middle of two men mid-conversation. They were getting ready to politely tell Carmen to move, but once they had a whiff of the air around him, they gagged and decided to leave the bar. "So you've annoyed more of my business away yet again, Carmen," the bartender said, plugging his nose with his fingers. "What are you doing here so early?"
"I haven't had anything to drink since two days ago." Carmen replied, leaning in and closing the distance between him and the bartender.
"Your breath implies otherwise. Wolf urine again?" The bartender said with a smile. "Look, I know you've slept the whole day away yesterday otherwise you would've been here, and because of that I know you don't even have a single copper on you right now."
"Not even a single copper? Then what is thi-" Carmen reached into his pocket but was cut off by the bartender placing his hand on Carmen's pocket.
"The horse dung bullshit ain't gonna work here," said the bartender.
"It wasn't gonna be horse poop this time dammit," Carmen said under his breath, putting the mold-bread back into his pocket. "You have a good day then." He stood up, stretched out his arm and turned around, knocking over the drinks other people were drinking. "Oopsies," Carmen giggled, then ran before anyone he pissed off could give chase.
He ran back into the crowd which now didn't get in his way due to the strong scent of urine that he emanated. He ran into an alleyway when his legs started to cramp, to which he turned around to see that no one was around. He breathed a sigh of relief. He turned around and bumped into a shady hooded figure who was so well hooded that not an ounce of skin showed. "Dumbass, watch where yer goin'," Carmen spat at the man.
"You must be Carmen, 'the Literal Worst Courier'," the hooded figure said as Carmen began to pass him. Carmen felt chills crawl down his back at those words. "O-oh yeah?! Who's askin' dum-dum?!" he yelled shakily, trying not to let his voice crack.
"I want you to deliver a parcel to Samskaya," the hooded figure said, handing a bundled object to Carmen. "It is of utmost importance that the contents of this parcel is kept secret. Not even the contents can be known to you."
"Oh really..." Carmen said, smiling evilly as he began to unwrap the package. Suddenly, he felt something sharp press into his back slightly. Even without looking, he knew the hooded figure was behind him with a knife to his back. "C-c'mon man! I's jus jokin' around a little, ya hear???"
"Do not open the package. The moment the parcel is opened before it reaches it's destination, will be your last." The hooded figure threatened, eyes glowing red. "You will be paid 3 million gold for this job after the parcel is in the hands of Tir'Coatl." He then turned and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Carmen fell over onto his knees and gasped for air. Damn that was scary as hell! I didn't even get to refuse or somethin man. Carmen then stopped and thought to himself. 3 million gold, eh? Whats a little journey to some town a few miles over gonna hurt for enough money to never worry about a thing in the world? Carmen laughed to himself whilst walking back down the street and into the bar. He slammed the bar doors open to be greeted with silence and glares. Carmen had the largest grin all the while.
"I aboutta make 3 million gold boys," Carmen shouted. "Come see me for the deets over..." He looked at the bar's tables, most of which were empty since it was still the middle of the day. "Over dere, at the back!" He walked over to the empty table. Those who were sitting in tables around his moved quickly due to the scent. Carmen crossed his arms and smirked. And now I wait.
He didn't even have a horse to pull his cart, which set off red flags in many potential clients. Few people gave him the benefit of the doubt, expecting him to have a magical ability which allowed him to deliver without the need of a horse, but they would soon find out that wasn't the case in the slightest. He demanded pay upfront and would spend his newly found riches on cheap alcohol and would take weeks to complete the simplest local delivery jobs. He would even sometimes steal a portion of a package based on whether it could be pawned off for drinking money. Although his services were cheap, being around the same price as a warm pint of beer, his low-quality work driven off all of the few that dared hired him; even those in the slums would consider spending what little coin they had on someone else.
Carmen rolled over in his musty cart, putting the last of his stale bread into his mouth. He winced in surprise, finding that the piece he had eaten was unfortunately covered in mold. He began to welcome the new flavour as he covered his palate with the bread. Damn, I just bought that bread a few weeks ago. The nerve of that baker to try and poison me when I so kindly let him keep the change that I bought the bread with. Even though the extra coppers I gave him were actually dried horse dungs I shaped into coins, he so rudely called the guards when I tried to take another piece o' bread on my way out. Next time I oughta use cow dung since it don't smell as strong.
He struggled to rise from the ground, as he had slept through the whole previous day and his bones ached far too much for this middle-aged man. He mustered up one final ounce of courage and rose with a loud groan. *CRACK-CRACK-CRACK-POP* "Ahhhhhhh....damn I wanna lie down again." He spat out the piece of bread he was sucking on. He was going to complain about the mold in his bread and demand a refund, and he was going to scream and cry and shout perverted words in front of the bakery until he got his money back.
Carmen jumped off his wagon with the image of an epic hero dismounting his horse in mind and slammed face first into the warm pavement. He had expected there to be hay to soften the impact. He then remembered that he didn't pay to park his cart in the stable two days ago, so the owner must've gotten someone to move his cart into the alleyway while he was asleep. Damn those guys. I'll get my revenge an y'all later. He held his throbbing face with one arm and put the wet piece of mold-bread into his pocket with the other as he tried to stand.
He rasped loudly as he picked himself up and felt a pain in his throat. He hadn't had anything to drink in a day, so he resolved to test his luck to see if he could scam a drink off some fool. He sauntered his way through the lonely alley, scanning the ground for any loose change, when the sun blinded him as soon as he stepped out into the street. "Dammit, why's the sun gotta be out so damn early!" he complained loudly. He grumbled and stomped his way inconveniently across the busy street, pushing up against any pretty women that were unfortunate enough to be near his planned path. The people around him threw objects and shouted insults at him as his passed through the crowd, ignoring the people around him and brooding to himself that he would one day have his payback on these rude bastards.
"Hey Shit-man, eat this!" Carmen heard a loud voice yell behind him and rapidly span around on his heels to see a man holding a bucket full of liquid. Carmen mentally prepared himself as the man winded up the bucket to throw at him. The man threw the bucket and Carmen lunged face first into the bucket mid-air, drinking the contents as fast as he could before he fell. He soon discovered the liquid to be wolf urine from the odor and fell flat on the ground with an empty bucket still stuck to his head, his clothes soaked in wolf piss. But Carmen had to play it cool if he wanted a beer, so he calmly stood straight up, took the bucket off his head without showing an ounce of emotion and lobbed it back to the speechless crowd. He smiled to himself as he pushed open the door to the bar. That'll teach em not to fuck with me. He had won.
He sauntered into the bar, barely holding back the urge to vomit after downing a gallon of piss, and sat down on a barstool in the middle of two men mid-conversation. They were getting ready to politely tell Carmen to move, but once they had a whiff of the air around him, they gagged and decided to leave the bar. "So you've annoyed more of my business away yet again, Carmen," the bartender said, plugging his nose with his fingers. "What are you doing here so early?"
"I haven't had anything to drink since two days ago." Carmen replied, leaning in and closing the distance between him and the bartender.
"Your breath implies otherwise. Wolf urine again?" The bartender said with a smile. "Look, I know you've slept the whole day away yesterday otherwise you would've been here, and because of that I know you don't even have a single copper on you right now."
"Not even a single copper? Then what is thi-" Carmen reached into his pocket but was cut off by the bartender placing his hand on Carmen's pocket.
"The horse dung bullshit ain't gonna work here," said the bartender.
"It wasn't gonna be horse poop this time dammit," Carmen said under his breath, putting the mold-bread back into his pocket. "You have a good day then." He stood up, stretched out his arm and turned around, knocking over the drinks other people were drinking. "Oopsies," Carmen giggled, then ran before anyone he pissed off could give chase.
He ran back into the crowd which now didn't get in his way due to the strong scent of urine that he emanated. He ran into an alleyway when his legs started to cramp, to which he turned around to see that no one was around. He breathed a sigh of relief. He turned around and bumped into a shady hooded figure who was so well hooded that not an ounce of skin showed. "Dumbass, watch where yer goin'," Carmen spat at the man.
"You must be Carmen, 'the Literal Worst Courier'," the hooded figure said as Carmen began to pass him. Carmen felt chills crawl down his back at those words. "O-oh yeah?! Who's askin' dum-dum?!" he yelled shakily, trying not to let his voice crack.
"I want you to deliver a parcel to Samskaya," the hooded figure said, handing a bundled object to Carmen. "It is of utmost importance that the contents of this parcel is kept secret. Not even the contents can be known to you."
"Oh really..." Carmen said, smiling evilly as he began to unwrap the package. Suddenly, he felt something sharp press into his back slightly. Even without looking, he knew the hooded figure was behind him with a knife to his back. "C-c'mon man! I's jus jokin' around a little, ya hear???"
"Do not open the package. The moment the parcel is opened before it reaches it's destination, will be your last." The hooded figure threatened, eyes glowing red. "You will be paid 3 million gold for this job after the parcel is in the hands of Tir'Coatl." He then turned and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Carmen fell over onto his knees and gasped for air. Damn that was scary as hell! I didn't even get to refuse or somethin man. Carmen then stopped and thought to himself. 3 million gold, eh? Whats a little journey to some town a few miles over gonna hurt for enough money to never worry about a thing in the world? Carmen laughed to himself whilst walking back down the street and into the bar. He slammed the bar doors open to be greeted with silence and glares. Carmen had the largest grin all the while.
"I aboutta make 3 million gold boys," Carmen shouted. "Come see me for the deets over..." He looked at the bar's tables, most of which were empty since it was still the middle of the day. "Over dere, at the back!" He walked over to the empty table. Those who were sitting in tables around his moved quickly due to the scent. Carmen crossed his arms and smirked. And now I wait.
