Open Chronicles A task fit for an insufferable bastard

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Carmen

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The day began as it always did for Carmen, would wake up in the middle of the afternoon, scratch his ass, take a bite out of the month-old stale bread hidden in his sweat-stained shirt, and go back to sleep in the back of his moldy cart. He had nothing better to do today as usual, as he was known by the city's merchants as "the Literal Worst Courier" as well as many other shameful nicknames from the other inhabitants of the city that he had earned for himself in the 34 years of his life he spent miserably stagnating in Alliria.

He didn't even have a horse to pull his cart, which set off red flags in many potential clients. Few people gave him the benefit of the doubt, expecting him to have a magical ability which allowed him to deliver without the need of a horse, but they would soon find out that wasn't the case in the slightest. He demanded pay upfront and would spend his newly found riches on cheap alcohol and would take weeks to complete the simplest local delivery jobs. He would even sometimes steal a portion of a package based on whether it could be pawned off for drinking money. Although his services were cheap, being around the same price as a warm pint of beer, his low-quality work driven off all of the few that dared hired him; even those in the slums would consider spending what little coin they had on someone else.

Carmen rolled over in his musty cart, putting the last of his stale bread into his mouth. He winced in surprise, finding that the piece he had eaten was unfortunately covered in mold. He began to welcome the new flavour as he covered his palate with the bread. Damn, I just bought that bread a few weeks ago. The nerve of that baker to try and poison me when I so kindly let him keep the change that I bought the bread with. Even though the extra coppers I gave him were actually dried horse dungs I shaped into coins, he so rudely called the guards when I tried to take another piece o' bread on my way out. Next time I oughta use cow dung since it don't smell as strong.

He struggled to rise from the ground, as he had slept through the whole previous day and his bones ached far too much for this middle-aged man. He mustered up one final ounce of courage and rose with a loud groan. *CRACK-CRACK-CRACK-POP* "Ahhhhhhh....damn I wanna lie down again." He spat out the piece of bread he was sucking on. He was going to complain about the mold in his bread and demand a refund, and he was going to scream and cry and shout perverted words in front of the bakery until he got his money back.

Carmen jumped off his wagon with the image of an epic hero dismounting his horse in mind and slammed face first into the warm pavement. He had expected there to be hay to soften the impact. He then remembered that he didn't pay to park his cart in the stable two days ago, so the owner must've gotten someone to move his cart into the alleyway while he was asleep. Damn those guys. I'll get my revenge an y'all later. He held his throbbing face with one arm and put the wet piece of mold-bread into his pocket with the other as he tried to stand.

He rasped loudly as he picked himself up and felt a pain in his throat. He hadn't had anything to drink in a day, so he resolved to test his luck to see if he could scam a drink off some fool. He sauntered his way through the lonely alley, scanning the ground for any loose change, when the sun blinded him as soon as he stepped out into the street. "Dammit, why's the sun gotta be out so damn early!" he complained loudly. He grumbled and stomped his way inconveniently across the busy street, pushing up against any pretty women that were unfortunate enough to be near his planned path. The people around him threw objects and shouted insults at him as his passed through the crowd, ignoring the people around him and brooding to himself that he would one day have his payback on these rude bastards.

"Hey Shit-man, eat this!" Carmen heard a loud voice yell behind him and rapidly span around on his heels to see a man holding a bucket full of liquid. Carmen mentally prepared himself as the man winded up the bucket to throw at him. The man threw the bucket and Carmen lunged face first into the bucket mid-air, drinking the contents as fast as he could before he fell. He soon discovered the liquid to be wolf urine from the odor and fell flat on the ground with an empty bucket still stuck to his head, his clothes soaked in wolf piss. But Carmen had to play it cool if he wanted a beer, so he calmly stood straight up, took the bucket off his head without showing an ounce of emotion and lobbed it back to the speechless crowd. He smiled to himself as he pushed open the door to the bar. That'll teach em not to fuck with me. He had won.

He sauntered into the bar, barely holding back the urge to vomit after downing a gallon of piss, and sat down on a barstool in the middle of two men mid-conversation. They were getting ready to politely tell Carmen to move, but once they had a whiff of the air around him, they gagged and decided to leave the bar. "So you've annoyed more of my business away yet again, Carmen," the bartender said, plugging his nose with his fingers. "What are you doing here so early?"

"I haven't had anything to drink since two days ago." Carmen replied, leaning in and closing the distance between him and the bartender.

"Your breath implies otherwise. Wolf urine again?" The bartender said with a smile. "Look, I know you've slept the whole day away yesterday otherwise you would've been here, and because of that I know you don't even have a single copper on you right now."

"Not even a single copper? Then what is thi-" Carmen reached into his pocket but was cut off by the bartender placing his hand on Carmen's pocket.

"The horse dung bullshit ain't gonna work here," said the bartender.

"It wasn't gonna be horse poop this time dammit," Carmen said under his breath, putting the mold-bread back into his pocket. "You have a good day then." He stood up, stretched out his arm and turned around, knocking over the drinks other people were drinking. "Oopsies," Carmen giggled, then ran before anyone he pissed off could give chase.

He ran back into the crowd which now didn't get in his way due to the strong scent of urine that he emanated. He ran into an alleyway when his legs started to cramp, to which he turned around to see that no one was around. He breathed a sigh of relief. He turned around and bumped into a shady hooded figure who was so well hooded that not an ounce of skin showed. "Dumbass, watch where yer goin'," Carmen spat at the man.

"You must be Carmen, 'the Literal Worst Courier'," the hooded figure said as Carmen began to pass him. Carmen felt chills crawl down his back at those words. "O-oh yeah?! Who's askin' dum-dum?!" he yelled shakily, trying not to let his voice crack.

"I want you to deliver a parcel to Samskaya," the hooded figure said, handing a bundled object to Carmen. "It is of utmost importance that the contents of this parcel is kept secret. Not even the contents can be known to you."

"Oh really..." Carmen said, smiling evilly as he began to unwrap the package. Suddenly, he felt something sharp press into his back slightly. Even without looking, he knew the hooded figure was behind him with a knife to his back. "C-c'mon man! I's jus jokin' around a little, ya hear???"

"Do not open the package. The moment the parcel is opened before it reaches it's destination, will be your last." The hooded figure threatened, eyes glowing red. "You will be paid 3 million gold for this job after the parcel is in the hands of Tir'Coatl." He then turned and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Carmen fell over onto his knees and gasped for air. Damn that was scary as hell! I didn't even get to refuse or somethin man. Carmen then stopped and thought to himself. 3 million gold, eh? Whats a little journey to some town a few miles over gonna hurt for enough money to never worry about a thing in the world? Carmen laughed to himself whilst walking back down the street and into the bar. He slammed the bar doors open to be greeted with silence and glares. Carmen had the largest grin all the while.

"I aboutta make 3 million gold boys," Carmen shouted. "Come see me for the deets over..." He looked at the bar's tables, most of which were empty since it was still the middle of the day. "Over dere, at the back!" He walked over to the empty table. Those who were sitting in tables around his moved quickly due to the scent. Carmen crossed his arms and smirked. And now I wait.
 
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A wonderful day indeed! The sun was up, the day had begun, the people were milling about the streets on their daily business, shoppers shopped while shops talked shop with the shoppers about their shops! The air smelled feted and rank as schlop was schlopped into the streets and all in all gave the entire morning a very welcoming air about it!

Of course things are never quiet for long...

"... Fer the last time... GET OFFA ME LEG!"

"But I can pay you back! I swear I can! just gimme a chance and you'll see!"

People walking by might not have noticed had the noise not attracted them, and soon traffic was backed up by rubberneckers as a thickly muscled dwarf in heavy armor limped through the street with a blue skinned leather armored tiefling hanging pitifully onto his leg, sliding forward through the dirt with every step he took.

"I told ye, we're DONE! Ye spent me last copper fer the last time... NOW GIT OFFA ME LEG!"

"PLEASE don't leave me! You don't know what it's like being a tiefling in the world! Just give me a chance I'll change I promise!"
The dwarf stopped and looked down angrily at her.
""Ye'll change!" "Ye won't do it again!" That's the thousands time I've eard yer bullshite AND I FECKEN COUNTED!"
She looked up at him with practiced puppy dog eyes.
"Why do you gotta be mean all the time! I work hard, I really do! But all I ever get from you is how I spend my money!"
The dwarf looked ready to pop a blood vessel at that.
"MY money ye fecken blue skinned devil! MY FECKEN MONEY that ye spend cos ye can't keep a single silver o yer own fer more than a single night!"

With that he jerked his leg free of her clinging vise grip.
"An I'm more o the fool, cause I fecken LET ye spend me money! Find another sap ta leach off, cause I ain't hearing another second o yer blubbering!"
With that he stomped off leaving her in the dirt.

Kenai pushed herself up to her knees, puffed out her cheeks and pouted as the dwarf stomped through the choked streets.
She sat there grumbling for a minute when her ears picked up a shout that sounded like angel choirs to her ears...
"I aboutta make 3 million gold boys,"
Her eyes snapped to the location of the proclamation and the tavern it came from. She leapt to her feet and skipped forward as cheerful as a spring chickadee like nothing had just happened and approached the tavern.
She walked in and looked about for someone who looked like they were about to come into a tidy sum of "gift from the gods".
Not immediately seeing someone who cried out "Mister Moneybags" she raised her voice above the actually quite tame establishment.
"Did I hear someone say something about an "easy life and an excuse to never work again" amount of gold?"
 
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Carmen waited impatiently at the table, wondering why none of these poor bastards weren't coming to take this offer of a lifetime. All ye gotta do is pull, guard and guide my cart. I dunno what their problem is.

He sat in his wooden chair, arms crossed with a smug grin on his face, trying to mask his anxiety. "Oh god, what if none of these idiots wanna go with me? Whats gonna happen if i dont deliver da package?" he whispered under his breath. He felt sweat drip down his forehead as the anxiety was starting to eat away at him. Hit bit away at his dirt crusted fingernails. That was, until he heard a woman's voice coming from the entrance of the bar. "Did I hear someone say something about an "easy life and an excuse to never work again" amount of gold?" a blue girl shouted enthusiastically. Oh ho ho, have my manly charms captivated the heart of a fair maiden? I might get lucky and she might be a warrior or somethin. She could pull the cart if I can't mooch a horse offa her.

Carmen's heart sunk a little once he looked up and saw that she was shorter standing upright than him sitting down. She was a blue skinned girl, standing a bit more than a metre tall, and she had horns to boot. But hey, what did that matter if she could be useful. He was getting impatient waiting for people though, so he couldn't be picky. And having 2 people could help attract more members. He could also leave the kid as bait if they were ever in a tight spot. His legs were longer, so he was confident that he could outrun her.

"Ya heard me right, brat. I am the legendary wagon courier extraordinaire, Carmen. You might've heard about me around town, I'm quite popular with da ladies. Wer goin on an adventure to Sama-uh," Carmen tried to remember the name of where he was supposed to go. "Samski or something. Ya want in, brat? We're deliverin a package to some guy for 3 million gold on my cart and I need some helpers to pull it off. Why dont ya start off with a name and what ya can bring to the table?" He wondered what she could do, considering it would be a pretty bad idea if she ended up being useless. Thats ma role, and theres only room for one leader/advisor/deadweight. Aint gonna let no one take it away from me.
 
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"Ya heard me right, brat. I am the legendary wagon courier extraordinaire, Carmen. You might've heard about me around town, I'm quite popular with da ladies. Wer goin on an adventure to Sama-uh," Carmen tried to remember the name of where he was supposed to go. "Samski or something. Ya want in, brat? We're deliverin a package to some guy for 3 million gold on my cart and I need some helpers to pull it off. Why dont ya start off with a name and what ya can bring to the table?"
She tracked the voice to the owner and at the mention of three million gold suddenly didn't care that he smelled like a living turd.
She skipped over to the table and gave a sharp salute.
"Carmen? Nice ta meet ya! My name is Kenai Katzcha, and I assure you I'm the very best help you'll find! I'm an adventurer and stronger than I look so I can fight in a pinch, and if it comes down to it I can always freeze anything that gives us trouble! Aside from that I can cook and clean and maintain camp, I'm just all around helpful so if you need help you can count on me!"
She grinned from ear to ear, self assured that she nailed the interview. Sure she is an adventurer, though she didn't mention she was only a lowly copper rank.
"If there's any chance I can get some of that payment upfront that would be awesome! I've got some... things to take care of!"
Namely a huge tab she's been building up at the inn she was staying at.
"If not that's fine! Are we leaving soon?"
 
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Off in the corner, Arnor sat, quietly contemplating what he was going to do next, and more importantly- where. Ever since the events of the tundra, and the lackluster arrival and the lukewarm reception, Arnor was not in any means of a hurry to return home anytime soon. And that meant keeping his brain occupied with the events of the day, day-by-day.

A busy mind was not a wandering mind, as his father would say.

The Nordenfiir could only help but to overhear the... elf? Horned blue lady speaking with the rather sleazy 'legendary' caravan driver.

Not sure what was so notable about sitting and holding ropes and following a map for so long that made a person legendary- but Arnor rarely voiced his displeasure about other people. He usually showed it on his face.

Speaking not to them, but into his drink- Arnor scoffed.

"Always take half the money up front."

Arnor turned his head towards the stench.

It came from a person- and a Nordenfiir's senses were more keen than most, if anyone's in the Summer Lands, and the man speaking to the transfixed woman fucking smelled.

"Though I'd wager he'd be fine without company of swords- his stench alone wards off the stronger beasts."
 
Carmen was overjoyed, as it was a big step towards his big payday. She was very enthusiastic and sounded like she was in debt, meaning they had a lot in common. Not really a good thing, but I can't afford to be picky.

"We'll want another person just in case we can get 'nother helper (baggage carrier), so we leave tomorrow. Also, the guy agreed to pay after we finish the delivery. If he don't give the money to us though, we can always just sell the package to the highest bidder." Carmen smiled, showing his disgusting, rotten teeth. It didn't hurt to have another person to help bring the cart over, since 3 million gold could be split 3 ways evenly and the chances of success are higher with more people. He also needed someone who had gold on them who he could leech supplies off of.

Then he heard a scoff from the table in the corner next to him, a bearded man with neatly tied hair with a sword attached to his back. "Always take half the money upfront," the man said, turning to face Carmen. "Though I'd wager he'd be fine without company of swords- his stench alone wards off the stronger beasts."

"You shut yer trap mister, I don't have to money yet. We'll split the cut evenly amongst ourselves," Carmen sneered at the man. His eyes were drawn to the sword on the man's back. Carmen couldn't explain why, but he felt that the man had vast experience in battle in a single glance. "Though, it'd be nice to have a sword on our trip. It'd be a big help, mister. You want in? Ya could make a million gold." Carmen asked, leaning towards the man, his pungent scent fumigating the air around him. He knew that people who come to Alliria, come to Alliria for the prospect of big money.
 
Yep... Sounded like she would have to skip town without paying her tab. Poor old Gary, his drinks were good, too good, and now he won't be seeing any gold from her for a good while... the parties were fun... And all the rounds she promised she could afford by today... Too bad, so sad.

"We'll want another person just in case we can get 'nother helper (baggage carrier), so we leave tomorrow. Also, the guy agreed to pay after we finish the delivery. If he don't give the money to us though, we can always just sell the package to the highest bidder."
She put her hand on her chin thoughtfully for a moment before smiling, "I like that arrangement!"

She heard the big guy with the big sword scoffing in the corner and she concurred with her new partner that he would be an excellent addition to their motely crew.
"He may smell like a sewer drain... But there's also the beasts of the humanoid type that could overcome their basic survival instincts if they thought they could make a pretty copper offa our hides... An speaking of which, we could use an extra tough hide like yours for such happenstance!"
 
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So this is where he was, currently.

He had a horse outside- Rhi, the infamous beer-drinking meandering horse, and could just ride away. A horse that could take the weight and the smell of a Nordenfiir like himself, Rhi was among the biggest and most fearless (and alcoholic) horses in the land.

Arnor stood, his height and markings giving away his kinship immediately. But he didn't take the either of them for the scholarly anthropologists.

"I am due for another adventure."

He said gruffly, his massive form walking over to the table. He had a peculiar sword on his back- and along with his famous axe at his side.

The Axe of Knottington was a literal thing and the man himself.

He set his drink on the table, still standing. He looked down at Carmen.

"If we are to be friendly and amicable, I suggest not speaking to me like that again. I will not be cruel to you in the future, if you are to return the favor. I could- bearly stand it."

Arnor Skuldsson. Hunter. Mercenary. Tracker.

Pun-maker.
 
Carmen smiled, happy that something was going right in his life for once. Although he didn't understand the giant man's joke, he understood the need to respect the big fellow's boundaries.

"Welcome to da crew, Skuldsson, Katzcha," he said, looking at the two in front of him. "Before we head out to make big cash, we need to go get some things that'll be a good help for us on our trip. We'll need food for the first few days on the road, a map since I dunna where the hell we're going, and a horse. And don't ask why I don't have one already!" Carmen yelled at that last part, pointing at Kenai and Arnor. He still had some sore spots regarding horses.

Katzcha said she was an adventurer, albeit a poor one as far as I could tell. Skuldsson looked like the kind of guy who can handle an odd job here and there. Both look used to this line of work. Carmen rubbed his chin as he contemplated how he would afford the necessary gear. "We might have ta do some side contracts make some cash along the way to buy the things we need if Skuldsson doesn't wanna pay for our stuff. I already know Katzcha don't have a copper on her." He turned his pockets inside out and shrugged. "Ay, but if we can't get a horse, we could always just pull my cart by hand, that's fine too."

If worse comes ta worse, we can always rob the place and get da hell outta here. 3 million is good enough for anyone to start a new life anywhere in da world. I aint too attached to this place either.

Carmen looked up to Arnor. "Well, the calls up to you, big guy. Whaddya say we do for supplies?" he asked.
 
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