Private Tales Veiled Reminiscence

[Ysobel]

Nightmares had become the unwelcome guest in my life.
Tormenting me night after night the moment I surrendered to slumber’s warm embrace.
And when closing my eyes, I signed the contract with the nightmare. ​

For several weeks, Ysobel’s life had been a living hell. Every night she was ripped from her beautiful dreams- dreams of the life she shared with the man beside her, dreams of the child inside with its wild red hair and eyes of shimmering gold. Dreams of the home she grew up in, the people she loved before the academy.

Dreams which were not dreams. They were monstrous entities concocted from the darkest, shadowy corners of her mind.

Night terrors, they’d been called.

The people she so deeply loved twisted and contorted into grotesque shapes, so vividly sinister, clawed their way further and further into her mind and dragged her into a demented realm- a labyrinth of horrors.

Ripped by a blinding pain, like a hot knife slicing through her brain and a familiar heaviness in her chest, she was sent running from her bed. And every night as she paced the quiet halls of their home, she wondered if she had only dreamt that she awoke screaming, or if Gaage had just become accustomed to the theatrics.

Ysobel would sit on the cold wooden floor, head leaning against the tub in their bathroom after that pain in her head, like talons squeezing at her brain, forced her to retch until she was verging on unconsciousness. Most nights, she would fight through the fog, taking dizzy steps back to their bed where her body now cold and clammy would rejoin Gaage as he slept peacefully. Lying awake, she would count the hours until her throat stopped aching from screams that may have never made it past her lips.

Many times Ysobel contemplated sending word to Perrine once again but most times she had drifted back to sleep before she could make the effort to touch a pen to her parchment. Until a few days ago when she, in all her desperation, scratched up a plea for help- for reassurance, and sent it off with a bird in the middle of the night.

Completely normal. You’ll be fine. The letter, two days later, read. It was only stress. Something Ysobel harbored alone, never wishing to push her problems onto the man she lay with. Some Gaage had figured out and some Ysobel had complained enough about. Missing her friends, feeling nervous. Others…Could remain unsaid. How did you tell the man you loved that you were uncertain about the future- about what he wanted from her. The ‘I love you’s were wonderful. As wonderful as the moments she spent in his arms. But still, just as she had when she first arrived, she wondered if he would ever make the move to have things more…official.

She understood. After Delaney…he was probably frightened. But being with him was possibly the only thing Ysobel did not fear.

She’d told Perrine enough through tear stained letters.

Still, the promises that she was fine were all that Ysobel could hold on to as she clutched either side of the toilet and retched until she was sure her insides were out. Stars twinkled in her eyes and the familiar darkness of her impending unconsciousness crept from the corners of her vision inward. A small trail of vomit lingered just below her lip as she finally fell asleep against the cold hard tub. The pounding in her head, a relentless mockery that she could not escape those shadowy tendrils scraping at the darkest parts of her past.

And the rain pattered gently on the rooftop until the morning.

Gaage Eberwhit

 

[Gaage Eberwhit]

Something had to give.

Things had been relatively quiet since the battle in Vel Farris. Gaage had started taking less assignments from Gilram and instead had shifted his focus to staying home to care for Ysobel through her pregnancy. Zael kept in touch, making sure to visit and check up on the two of them regularly, and Perrine had kept in contact with Ysobel, as far as Gaage could tell.

It should have been a reprieve from the chaos that had defined both of their lives for so damned long, a well-deserved break for them to take care of themselves for once. And at first, it was. Those first few weeks of living with Ysobel without all of the stress of missions or work had been incredible, full of laughs, love, and a peace Eberwhit had never known before.

But things were starting to fall apart. Ysobel was starting to fall apart.

She didn't want him to know, she tried her best to conceal the worst of it from him, but it was difficult to hide a struggle of that magnitude with the man you slept beside every night. She would awake almost every night, either short of breath or with a sharp cry. She would pace the house into the early morning hours, retching intermittently into the commode before crawling back to bed in a whimpering heap. At first, Gaage had convinced himself it was merely the side-effects of a troublesome pregnancy entering it's latter half. Perrine had pulled him aside and given him an idea of what to expect, after all.

This was too intense, though, too frequent. It didn't add up, and with every passing day, he grew more concerned. As much as Yoh didn't wish to feel as though she was burdening him with her problems, Gaage wasn't about to allow her to drive herself to madness or death because she wanted to protect him. He wasn't going to turn a blind eye to her problems. Last time he'd done that, he'd been left behind.

Ysobel deserved better.

So when morning came after this latest hellish night, Ysobel would not awaken alone on the cold floor of the bathroom. She'd been cleaned of her sick and swaddled in the sheets, her head propped by pillows against the headboard with the sound of cooking meat wafting in from the kitchen. Gaage had found her, at that lowest point. There would be no more hiding the depths of her despair from him. Today, she would need face him with the truth.

"Yoh, you up?" Gaage poked his head in the door, slight bags under his eyes.

Ysobel

 

[Ysobel]

Her nightly activities knocked her out.

She hadn't realized she had been moved from her spot against the tub and wrapped gently in their fluffy down blanket until the heat of the rising sun peeked in through the windows and settled on her face. She groaned quietly and rolled over to her other side, where she could enjoy the feeling of its warmth on her bare back. From the doorway she could hear the sizzle of whatever Gaage had been making for breakfast as well as him as he moved from one room to the next- perhaps sensing that the quiet room had been disturbed at last.

Her eyes fluttered open to the sound of his voice although she did not immediately answer him. She knew the questions he had. The answers she did not want to share, did not want to inconvenience him with. So she sent one arm to the bedside table and pulled out that crumpled up letter from Perrine- the one that said she was fine- and tossed it his way.

Just after, she followed and propped herself up on her elbows so she could study him. The dark circles. Disheveled clothes. Messy hair. Ysobel frowned. He must not have gone back to sleep after picking me up. She figured based on the state of him. Still, she took a moment to decide what to say. Decide if she would give him a simple 'yes' or begin an onslaught of apologies until he was too confused to prod further into the wreckage that she had been.

A sigh. "I am." She brushed a wave of golden hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. It stayed only a moment before falling back in her face. "I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't feeling well. I have already spoken with Perrine about it though. It will get better." She felt bad, as though she was lying to his face because she truly had no idea if she was being honest. The letter said it, but that did not make it true.

Her stomach growled and soon that familiar pain that served to remind her of her last meal- last digested meal- being sometime the previous morning crept up. She pushed the duvet off of her and over to their dresser and threw on a robe. Her movement, despite the exhaustion in her face, the lack of nutrients in her body, and the accumulation of sleepless nights, was still as graceful as Ysobel had ever been. A little bounce in her step as always. She made it to the door and wrapped her arms around him, kissing as high up as her head reached and then pushed past to the kitchen. A clumsy attempt at dodging his impending interrogation.

At least hers ended in handcuffs.

"What are you making?"

 

[Gaage Eberwhit]

Gaage's eyes followed Ysobel as she sprang from the bed with as much vigor as she could muster. One could definitely make the argument that Gaage was a bit thick-headed, but even he couldn't miss the discomfort that was so obviously present in nearly every movement she made, the way her face would just barely avoid wincing as she bounced, the way her eyes had darkened and bagged, even as they looked into his with that same love they always had.

"Got some pretty nice cuts yesterday, turned it into sausage..." He answered, his hands slowly raising up to hold her by the waist. Gaage's touch was gentle, as if he was afraid he may actually break her if he put the slightest bit of pressure on her bones.

"You haven't been eating well, so I thought maybe something fresher than usual could help you out." Watching Ysobel waste away was bad enough, but knowing that she should have been eating for two was more distressing. The child wasn't even born yet, and already he was feeling paranoid over its safety.

Ysobel seemed to sense this worry, and quickly detached herself, attempting to slink past him to the kitchen before he could speak another sentence. She succeeded too, the slick little minx, Gaage tried to shift his body, but she was already trotting off toward the smell of cooking meats. Eberwhit felt his lips purse and stepped out to follow her.

She wasn't getting away from this. It wasn't nearly as simple as she was making it sound.

"It isn't just last night, Yoh. This has been an almost every night thing, and it's getting worse." He was only going to let this slide for so long. Moving over to where the meat was cooking, he took it off of the heat and began to cut it into portions, keeping one eye to the side and trained on her all the while. "Look, I understand you trust Perrine, but she's not here looking at you, and I am. Every day we wake up you're looking weaker, and half the time you barely sleep."

Gaage places the plate in front of her with a sigh, fresh cut veggies with equally fresh cooked meat. Sitting across from her, he leans on the table with his elbows and rests his chin on his hands.

"I'm worried about you."

Ysobel

 

[Ysobel]

She found it difficult to make eye contact with the sudden interrogation she seemed to be a key member of. Instead, she stared out the windows and watched the sun's rays catch the morning dew on the grass. Feeling backed into a corner, she wished she had made the effort to open the window and let the balmy spring breeze in so she didn't feel so suffocated when all he wanted was to make sure she was alright. "You know I do eat. A lot actually." As if her words mattered, knowing that nearly everything that entered her mouth left the same way.

"You saw the note, she says its normal." Ysobel stabbed a fork into a piece of cut meat. "I'm just trying to ride it out until..." She paused. Until I can't. She wouldn't dare say those words, but her eyes seemed to water. "Until it gets better." She offered a small, forced smile and shoved the meat into her mouth.

She felt his eyes linger on her, burning holes in her skin as though he could burrow inside and see what she withheld from him. The words she moved around to give him a better sense of security. The ways she twisted the truth into her truth. Guilt ate at her very soul until she looked like she might throw up once again. This time from all the bad thoughts swirling around her head instead of the ceaseless terrors.

I'm worried about you.

Me too.

She set her fork on the table and stared at the food for a long while, thinking of what she might say. What she could say to him while knowing nothing herself.

"I think...that this is an unfamiliar territory for both of us." But I don't want you worrying yourself sick over me. "And...I have been nightmares lately. They are so vivid, so real, so dark. Haunting and terrifying. They wake me up every time with a splintering headache. It feels like someone is driving a dagger into my skull some nights." Her voice was soft and although there was no emotion on her face as she spoke, seemingly lost trying to recall the dreams, a few tears formed in her eyes. "And I try so hard to remember the dreams and the people in them...I know my family is there, but I have forgotten their faces. It is like they are strangers.

"The faces are blurred and I am scared that I am forgetting them and losing a part of me that I cherished so deeply all my life." She blinked and life seemed to flow back into her face. She wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her robe and picked up her fork again. "I am sorry for worrying you. That is the last thing I have wanted to do and I hope it doesn't make things worse when I say I would like to visit my home while I still have time left." Her phrasing was poor, she made no attempt to correct it.

Gaage Eberwhit

 

[Gaage Eberwhit]

Gaage didn't make any attempt to interrupt or correct her. There was a time when Ysobel wouldn't get much of a chance to get a word in edgewise with him, when the chaotic energy between them would have caused this conversation to devolve into an argument. The fact that Gaage had changed so much in the last few months wasn't nearly as scary as the fact that he could recognize his change.

The man who had once been so braggadocious, arrogant, and violent sat patiently across from his lover, eating his breakfast while keeping his eyes trained gently on her own. The world around him had forced change, the violence and hatred of the war raging outside of their home had sapped the urge to hurt from his own veins. All that mattered now was her, and the child she bore.

His family.

A pained smile crossed his lips as she grew emotional, not of joy or happiness, but sympathy. Gaage understood her pain. In a way that he hadn't been able to before. Ysobel was so determined to be strong for the both of them, to hide her agony from Gaage's view. She didn't realize that the red-headed man sitting across from her could feel her pain. When she ached, he ached himself. When she cried, it took all the might that the Academy had instilled in him not to do the same.

Because he loved her so, and it hurt to watch her suffer.

"Yoh..." Gaage sighed over his food, dropping his fork and bridging his hands. "Ysobel. Everything that I've done since we reunited has been for you and you alone. All of it. This house, the battle at Vel Farris, Zael... leaving. I endure it, because I know I can fall back on you. You're the only anchor I have left."

Admittedly, that was his own fault. He'd shed any other connections, any other friends he had left. Eberwhit unlooped a pointer finger and pointed it her way, raising an eyebrow.

"But that doesn't mean I have to be your only support. I haven't forgotten what you've done, or the sacrifices you've made. All the pain you've endured for me..."

Eberwhit paused, lowering his hands to the table, and letting his eyes roam the wooden surface as he mulled over his thoughts. There was only one answer, one thing he could think to do that was the right thing to do.

"You're going home. You deserve to see the people you love while you can."

He picked up his fork and resumed eating, adding as though it were nothing:

"And I'm coming with you."

Ysobel

 

[Ysobel]

"So you tell me," She wiped more at her eyes with her sleeve. "I know that I am your anchor and I don't wish to change that. I just need you to be mine as well." The words came out almost bitterly, as if to suggest she had been suffering alone the whole time. Her emotions had never been easy to regulate, but now it was much harder for her to control. She often found herself letting words slip by that she never meant. Things that would hurt feelings. She never wished to do that to him, but she struggled to find the correct words to portray how she felt. "I know I find it hard to ask for help from you sometimes. To beg you to stop being gone for so long and just stay with me. And I suppose you have been around much more lately, so I don't need to beg for that. I just..." She trailed off, letting him speak again.

You're going home. You deserve to see the people you love while you can...

"I..." She knew the second half of what he said was impossible. The thought, the blurry memories of it all made her feel ill. The color draining from her face would tell him as much- a reminder of what she thought he would have inferred from their first mission together, in the moments they mocked one another for the equally bizarre names they were given.

“If you have an issue with my name, you can take it up with my parents…oh, wait." Such a memory still passed through her thoughts from time to time, but she never realized he really didn't know.

"Gaage, honey..." She reached her hands out and pulled his into hers. "They've been dead since the day the Dreadlords took me." She forced that smile back onto her face, but it was impossible to hide the sadness in her eyes. Although she could no longer recall their names and faces, she was absolutely sure about that fact. She would be going to her home, empty and rotting from the years of neglect.

But she would be going to her home.

"Regardless, I would be honored if you would accompany me. I could not think of anyone else I would like to share these memories with." The tears came back into her eyes. She wondered if they, her family, still lingered there as spirits. If she would feel their presence and share the changes in her life with them. Share that she was starting her own family- something she had always wanted. And although it was not the timing she had expected, and something she often did not portray very well, she was excited. Excited to see if the child, which she often referred to as her son, would have Gaage's fiery red hair or if it would be like Ysobel's golden wheaty locks. Not that she'd care either way. She knew she would love them either way. And it would be worth the pain, the enduring, and the changes they were forced to adapt to.

"How soon can we leave? I think it best we not put this off too long."

Gaage Eberwhit