Private Tales Sorrows can Swim

[Alistair Krixus]

"Another."

The word was said barely above a whisper, but the force behind it left little room for argument from the bartender, even if the man had noticed this was the man's fourth drink. And this man was a Dreadlord, the last thing he needed was some drunk Dreadlord destroying his bar. It had already ruined his business with most people filing out of the dimly lit tavern as soon as the Dreadlord stepped inside.

Apparently, the service was not quick enough for Alistair as the slightly slurred words repeated themselves, "Another."

Another drink was quickly placed in front of Alistair Krixus. He was silent just staring at the drink, he would have loved to be able to think of something else but the only thing holding possession in his mind was the letter neatly folded on the bar next to him.

Alistair had read the letter so many times he felt like he could repeat the words from memory, but what he would give to forget them. He supposed that was why he was drinking. It was rare that Alistair drank himself to intoxication. While it was always fun at the time, the lack of control that followed when he felt his mind sober up unsettled him.

How long had he been here? He had left his home for a walk...one or was it two days ago? His mother and siblings were likely growing concerned, and he also had work to do, but his mind nor his heart could bring him to move.

Zinnia

 

[Zinnia]

Checking in on friends wasn't a task that Zinnia often got to do. With the departure of Kristen Pirian for her mountain monastery life, as well as Zinnia's own recent graduation, friends were in short supply. There was one person, however, that Zinnia knew must've been hit much harder by the sudden absence of their mutual comrade: Alistair.

Zinnia hadn't seen hide nor hair of Alistair since their fairly terrible dealings in Bluecott together, but the man had been given every opportunity in what must've been a year since then to rat Zinnia's secret out to the authorities. He had not. That alone, on top of Kirsten's deep affection for him, was enough to give Zinnia a reason to check in on him. After all, as hard as it had been for her to say goodbye, she could only imagine how much worse it had been for him.

Tracking him down wasn't particularly difficult. The Stalker training that Proctor Salak had recommended her for had been going smoothly, compounding on her own natural inclination towards sleuthing. She'd found the Krixus homestead, spoken with his worried mother, and located the bar he'd wandered off to in short order.

"Another."

Oh dear.
"You know," Zinnia said as she took a seat next to him at the bar. "I've heard it's better to do this s-sort of thing with a friend, at least. Misery loves c-company, they say."

She flagged the barkeep down with a wave, then held up a finger. A couple of coins later, and Zinnia had a mug of her own. Gold eyes fell upon her companion, who looked...well, frankly, awful. She gently patted his back and smiled sadly at him.
"Hey, Alistair. Been a while, huh?"

 

[Alistair Krixus]

Alistair was perfectly fine with sitting there and wallowing in his own pity, but then he heard the voice. The one thing he did not want to hear, was the voice of someone he knew. A quick glance over showed Zinnia who likely looked far better off than Alistair was at the moment.

He quickly down half of his drink while smirking, but there was no warmth or happiness behind this look, only a deep sadness at his own state of affairs.

"Why would I push this misery off onto another when I already know how painful it is."

The letter sat next to him, but if Zinnia was here then that meant she was already aware of everything. Kristen had been chosen as some sort of saint candidate or something. Apparently, her gifts had finally be recognized. It was everything that she had wanted in life. His own selfishness was the only thing holding him back from being happy for her.

"Hello, Zinnia. How has the Academy been treating you?"

Zinnia

 

[Zinnia]

Zinnia's smile faded and she stared into the contents of her mug.

"Not pushing it off. J-just...sharing. I know it can't compare to what you must be feeling, but it hurts for me t-too," she said, pausing to take a sip. The sweet flavor of mead washed over her tongue, but it did little to replace the bitter taste of abandonment. "Might as well s-sulk together, huh?"

Zinnia shrugged at Al's follow-up question.
"Well, at the end. I g-graduated too, you know. 'Dreadlord Zinnia St. Kolbe' still sounds so strange...guess I thought I'd be h-happier about it."

Gold eyes fell upon the letter at Alistair's side.
"Kristen's goodbye?"

 

[Alistair Krixus]

Alistair released a long sigh realizing that he was being unfair in a way trying to monopolize these negative feelings. Zinnia was right, she had also been a close friend of Kristen.

"Thank you, I'm sorry for my standoffish tone. I appreciate you coming here."

The comments about graduation soured his mood once again. That was right, they had graduated. He and Kristen were supposed to go on a celebration trip after she was finally free of the Academy...In a way, she had gone on without him.

"Yes, she had to leave quickly so this was all she could leave." He explained while avoiding glancing at the letter.

"Congratulations Zinnia...it takes some time to grow accustomed to the change."

Zinnia

 

[Zinnia]

The girl shook her head.
"You have every right to be upset, Al. I know how c-close you two were," her smile returned tentatively, and she once again placed a reassuring hand on Alistair's shoulder. "It's okay to grieve, just...m-maybe after today we can find a healthier way."

Al was fairly clearly already deep into his bender. Letting him ride it out for the night couldn't be much more harmful than anything he'd already done. Not to mention that, perhaps selfishly, joining him in the embrace of intoxication didn't sound so terrible. Zinnia knew she was a lightweight and never gave herself to such indulgences. If there was a time to drink and wallow for a brief time, it was now.

"Change is definitely hard..." she murmured, her gaze slipping back onto the envelope. "Have you r-read it yet?"

 

[Alistair Krixus]

Well, he had other ideas. When he first learned of Kristen's departure, his original idea was to march into the Falwood and cut down the first elves he ran across, but that had been to close to military insubordination.

"Fair point."

The next question was far more difficult to answer. Well, the answer was easy but the feelings it brought up were not. He had read the letter several times, more times than were healthy most likely.

"You know, I used to take pride in my cage-like memory while at the Academy. My academic grades were also near the top of our class. Doesn't seem to be as helpful anymore...but yes I have read it."

There was nothing more to say about that.

Zinnia

 

[Zinnia]

Ah. Alistair didn't seem to keen on sharing its contents, and all things considered, that was his prerogative. Whatever was within was likely both painful and deeply personal. It wasn't her place to prod.

"I envy you. I was never p-particularly good with the academics. A memory like that is a blessing, Al, even if it seems like..." she tapped the top of her head through her hood. With that memory of his, she was sure he'd know why. "...A curse."

A pregnant silence filled the air as Zinnia searched for what to say next. She rotated her tankard around on its rim, watching its liquid contents swirl within.
"...You know she l-loves you, right? Even now, I'm sure of it. She used to talk about you all the time, and the way her eyes would light up...you could really just t-tell."

Another pause, more wistful this time. Zinnia really did admire Kristen. It was so cute to watch her get bubbly about Alistair...talking about romance together was something Zinnia had looked forward to, eager for the day that she could share that glint and smile with Kristen. She'd never thought things would go this way.

Zinnia shook herself and laughed weakly, raising her mug.
"I don't do this very much. What should we d-drink to?"

 

[Alistair Krixus]

"Too often our blessings are just curses viewed in a different light."

Alistair had yet to see a truly pure blessing. Funnily enough, that was an idea that Kristen had introduced to him with magic that she referred to as curses. Maybe that was why Zinnia and Kristen had found so much in common, they both found their power in their curses.

The next words Zinnia spoke made Alistair freeze, those words stung. Kristen loved him? He had loved her, and she still had to leave. That made it hurt all the more because he could not even be just straight mad for not being loved. It was the feeling of just not being enough.

"We drink to the only thing we can drink to. We should drink to forgetting."

Zinnia

 

[Zinnia]

"We should drink to forgetting."

Zinnia knew that brand of heart hurt. Not to the same degree that Alistair did, she was sure, but that aching was familiar to her all the same. The pain of Silas' betrayal had hurt her dearly back when she'd learned of what he'd done. Sometimes the wish to erase it all and go back to being strangers was overwhelming. The feeling that the pain now was not worth the joy then.

"For now," she said quietly after swallowing the lump in her throat, and held her glass up towards Al. "T-to forgetting."

 

[Alistair Krixus]

For now

Alistair chuckled as he downed the rest of his drink. It was always difficult to tell exactly what Alistair was thinking, but even more so ever since his accident as it became near impossible to ever read anything within his eyes.

"Don't be so sure. I thought that once too, but I have gotten pretty good at forgetting." Alistair mumbled out in his slurred voice.

He did not drink often, but when he did it was often to forget some traumatic event. Whether it was murdering his father, his first death experience, his graduation debacle, or the countless number of lives he has killed. It might have had a bad rap, but drinking worked.

Zinnia

 

[Zinnia]

With a deep breath, Zinnia put down some of her drink. Not all of it, but a pretty good amount for her. She felt the warmth tingle down her gullet and sensed the bubbly giggliness that came with her usual buzz threaten to rear its head.

"Do you really think that's the best way to h-handle it in the long run?" she asked tentatively, casting him a sidelong glance. She wasn't like Kristen. She didn't know what Al had gone through, what hardships he'd endured. Naïve, as usual. "We're Dreadlords, right? We f-face problems, not run away from them."

The sickly sweet aftertaste of Zinnia's mead began to call for her attention. She put back a little more, then hovered over the rim of her mug.
"This stuff is p-pretty good..."

 

[Alistair Krixus]

Well, if it wasn't bad enough, now Alistair was being called a coward by his friend. This day was the best. He silently sat there wanting to get angry, but any rage was tapered by sadness.

"How would you suggest I fight it? These aren't problems I can fight. I can run for them or just carry on with them, but I'm tired...I don't want to carry more. This is easier."

Almost to confirm his own statement, Alistair downed the rest of his drink before asking for another. At this point, he was barely registering taste at all. The bartender sighed, but did as he was asked, to bring over more drink.

Zinnia