Dear Dad,
I had a nightmare last night, or. has it been everyday? I can't really remember anymore. I am afraid, and fear can do funny things to the mind. I guess I should try explaining the nightmare, but even now if feels hazy and not real. Still I will try my best.
I wake up coming out of where I was resting and laying low for a bit to find that the world was not how I left it. Where I come from changes sometimes I come out from living under a rock, sometimes out of a cave in Amol-Kalit, sometimes from my housing within the Eternal city, and sometimes I come from one of my farmhouses, but never ours. Anyways when I come out I come to learn that a plague has struck the whole of Arethil and that everyone is in hiding. There is a sense of fear all around that seems to seep into everything such that I don't know what I am afraid of, but I am terrified all the same. I see the fear in everyones eyes, and hear it in everyones voice.Its just... What I am trying to say is I feel... Oh, I don't know, I just really can not stand seeing everyone... I just can't stand it.
I find that me trying to hide from the plague doesn't agree with me. It is as if I can feel myself dying every day, hour, minute, second. They all tick by and I am alone. You know very well that I was never meant to be alone, it would not be far from the truth to say that I have dedicated my life to making sure I would never be alone... and yet here I am now stuck all alone without being able to reach others as I desire. I feel like I am drowning, in what I do not know, but every second that I am alone I feel like I can not breath, it as though I can feel myself dying. So like a drowning child I thrash, I kick and desperately reach out trying to connect with someone else, but I can not find anyone else. I know that people are out there, but it is as though they can not hear me... no that is not quite right, I am certain they can hear me, but maybe it is like they are ignoring me? Or more like even, they are just giving me as little time as they can, just giving me enough so that I will leave them alone. I don't know maybe I am just becoming paranoid. But many times I have sent out letters to find that they have received no reply, I have asked for someone, anyone to join me on an adventure to get away just for a little from all the fear only to have no takers. One time some people said that they wanted me to put on a costume and join them as someone else, but when I put on the costume and showed up ready to be that person for them no one else showed up to welcome me in.
Dad I just want to let you know that even though I know it is a dream it just hurts so much. What if I really am unwanted and I am only now realizing. I don't know people are always so nice, but sometimes I want to feel wanted. I don't remember the last time I felt wanted. I don't know is it perhaps me? Am I broken in such a way that I am just unable to feel what I need? What a curse to have laid upon someone to be unable to have their emotional need fulfilled because they can not read the emotions that are sent to them. What then would I be able to do? Talk to someone? If I did that what would I receive? I do not wish for anyones pity, and I feel like any feelings I would receive would just not feel genuine. So what am I supposed to do? Maybe I am just leading myself astray hoping that I am illiterate to positive emotions when I know very well how skilled I am at reading people pain, fear, anger, and sadness. Skilled in such a way that it is as if I share those feelings with them as if their pain is my own. How then could I somehow not somehow read someones love towards me? Maybe it is more likely that there just isn't any. Again I imagine someone telling me that that is not true, but under any real scrutiny and pushing for real evidence I find them simply trying to console one in pain. I am indeed in pain, but I wish to allow my pain to exist until it has been treated at its roots. It is my pain and I feel it for a reason, I do not want it to go away like one might each junk food to satiate hunger. No! I wish to have a proper meal, sweat words will no longer be accepted as a substitute! But I guess that this is all just a dream huh, haha. I am just the same crazy young boy with weird dreams I always have been.
Dad I am scared, and I feel everyone else is as well. I am in pain, their fear and pain hurts me, and I wish to spend time with others to help them in their time of need. I want to be wanted and feel upset that people do not want me. I wish to be close to people in a way that might very well be impossible, but want it none the less. More than anything I want to be genuinely loved, but at the same time fear being tolerated, or being placated. I guess most of all I miss you and our time together where I didn't have such worries. Back when I didn't like scraping my knee, or the magic pressure being too strong and causing my ears to bleed. Where I loved the bread you made for me, and the mashed potatoes. Where I loved playing in the back yard where you would chase after me, and I would smile so big that my cheeks would cover my eyes so I couldn't see, but it didn't matter because I was home and I knew every step I took. Back when I believed that I had forgotten how to stop smiling... Dad... I miss you.
Steve, son of Will, forever your son.
I had a nightmare last night, or. has it been everyday? I can't really remember anymore. I am afraid, and fear can do funny things to the mind. I guess I should try explaining the nightmare, but even now if feels hazy and not real. Still I will try my best.
I wake up coming out of where I was resting and laying low for a bit to find that the world was not how I left it. Where I come from changes sometimes I come out from living under a rock, sometimes out of a cave in Amol-Kalit, sometimes from my housing within the Eternal city, and sometimes I come from one of my farmhouses, but never ours. Anyways when I come out I come to learn that a plague has struck the whole of Arethil and that everyone is in hiding. There is a sense of fear all around that seems to seep into everything such that I don't know what I am afraid of, but I am terrified all the same. I see the fear in everyones eyes, and hear it in everyones voice.
I find that me trying to hide from the plague doesn't agree with me. It is as if I can feel myself dying every day, hour, minute, second. They all tick by and I am alone. You know very well that I was never meant to be alone, it would not be far from the truth to say that I have dedicated my life to making sure I would never be alone... and yet here I am now stuck all alone without being able to reach others as I desire. I feel like I am drowning, in what I do not know, but every second that I am alone I feel like I can not breath, it as though I can feel myself dying. So like a drowning child I thrash, I kick and desperately reach out trying to connect with someone else, but I can not find anyone else. I know that people are out there, but it is as though they can not hear me... no that is not quite right, I am certain they can hear me, but maybe it is like they are ignoring me? Or more like even, they are just giving me as little time as they can, just giving me enough so that I will leave them alone. I don't know maybe I am just becoming paranoid. But many times I have sent out letters to find that they have received no reply, I have asked for someone, anyone to join me on an adventure to get away just for a little from all the fear only to have no takers. One time some people said that they wanted me to put on a costume and join them as someone else, but when I put on the costume and showed up ready to be that person for them no one else showed up to welcome me in.
Dad I just want to let you know that even though I know it is a dream it just hurts so much. What if I really am unwanted and I am only now realizing. I don't know people are always so nice, but sometimes I want to feel wanted. I don't remember the last time I felt wanted. I don't know is it perhaps me? Am I broken in such a way that I am just unable to feel what I need? What a curse to have laid upon someone to be unable to have their emotional need fulfilled because they can not read the emotions that are sent to them. What then would I be able to do? Talk to someone? If I did that what would I receive? I do not wish for anyones pity, and I feel like any feelings I would receive would just not feel genuine. So what am I supposed to do? Maybe I am just leading myself astray hoping that I am illiterate to positive emotions when I know very well how skilled I am at reading people pain, fear, anger, and sadness. Skilled in such a way that it is as if I share those feelings with them as if their pain is my own. How then could I somehow not somehow read someones love towards me? Maybe it is more likely that there just isn't any. Again I imagine someone telling me that that is not true, but under any real scrutiny and pushing for real evidence I find them simply trying to console one in pain. I am indeed in pain, but I wish to allow my pain to exist until it has been treated at its roots. It is my pain and I feel it for a reason, I do not want it to go away like one might each junk food to satiate hunger. No! I wish to have a proper meal, sweat words will no longer be accepted as a substitute! But I guess that this is all just a dream huh, haha. I am just the same crazy young boy with weird dreams I always have been.
Dad I am scared, and I feel everyone else is as well. I am in pain, their fear and pain hurts me, and I wish to spend time with others to help them in their time of need. I want to be wanted and feel upset that people do not want me. I wish to be close to people in a way that might very well be impossible, but want it none the less. More than anything I want to be genuinely loved, but at the same time fear being tolerated, or being placated. I guess most of all I miss you and our time together where I didn't have such worries. Back when I didn't like scraping my knee, or the magic pressure being too strong and causing my ears to bleed. Where I loved the bread you made for me, and the mashed potatoes. Where I loved playing in the back yard where you would chase after me, and I would smile so big that my cheeks would cover my eyes so I couldn't see, but it didn't matter because I was home and I knew every step I took. Back when I believed that I had forgotten how to stop smiling... Dad... I miss you.
Steve, son of Will, forever your son.