Private Tales Drown Me Slow

[Lachlan Irwin]

He fucked up a lot in his life, because what else was there for him? For so long his Nana tried to protect him, told him to not become like his father, who whored his way through life and ended up with Lachlan. He disappeared, drunk and frisky, and Dawn Irwin had no more patience for his shit. She had her grandson to raise, and she was happy to see he held the family magic at age nine. She shaped him, taught him, sheltered him, until he was old enough to learn from his older cousins.

No matter how hard they all tried, Lachie like the attention girls gave him. He was good at it, girls, but then came one girl that made him pause and look.

Heidi had been enough and more to make the young boy want to be better.

And so he didn't want to ruin this opportunity.

They started as friends, but many times did he toe the line and said something smooth and charming, hoping she would give in and they could start fooling around, but Heidi was the one that kept him on a straight path and focused to stay on track to becoming better. Nana Irwin liked Heidi too, had invited the girl to dine with them like a family whenever she wished.

But then the Academy came into his life, and Lachlan had to leave Vel Odren to strengthen his magic.

He had to be away from Heidi, yet with the Revolution, they were able to write letters to each other every week until the dark thoughts and bad habits began. Without her there with him, he had no self control, nothing to keep him from straying from his path. He felt guilty for what he did, and slowly stopped writing to her.

He thought about her the most when he was out on the sea with Ivan Skender, dead bodies discovered on a burned ship that had their possessions and news came that the boys were dead. Only, a month later men hired by his Nana retrieved him and fuck did he get a talking to by the Matriarch of the family. There had not been enough time for him to go see Heidi in her home, but what would he tell her? I'm sorry and I fucked up? A lot?

No. He didn't go see her then.

He waited until he was wearing the Dreadlord uniform, Third Rank pins at his breast to identify him, and a nervous young man unable to bring himself to knock at her door. A year. He had not written back to her for a year and already the guilt made him feel nauseous. She would be pissed at him. She should be pissed, hells, he would let her slap him if she wanted to do that. Lachlan would do anything to be worthy of her again.

 

[Heidi]

It was Seb who opened the door, a flicker of fear on the burly man's face at first at the sight of the uniform, until he realised who it was that stood before him. "Lachlan?"

The boy had grown taller than he was, and had filled out almost as much. The surprise on the man's sunbeaten face gave way to a frown as he looked the boy up and down. How often had he had to console his daughter who had given her heart to this boy, who had left her without choice but had consciously stopped writing to her. At least if he'd been dead, that would have been an excuse, but here he stood, and it didn't take a smart mind to work out why he'd given up his interest in his daughter. Out of sight, out of mind.

"Who is it?" Heidi called from the kitchen.

Seb frowned with a quiet sigh. "You best come see, love." he called back to her, giving the boy a look of warning before he turned to leave, allowing the pair their privacy.

Heidi appeared at he door next, a bright smile on her face despite her confusion. The moment she locked eyes on him however, there was no hiding her shock. Her initial impulse was to jump straight into his arms, but there were so many questions, so much sadness and hurt that bubbled to the surface. She stood there frozen, the smile fading from her face as she took in the sight of the man standing before her. Lachlan looked so different—taller, broader, more imposing in his Dreadlord uniform—but it was his eyes, those familiar eyes, that made her heart ache with a mix of longing and pain for the boy who had once been her world.

Her hands trembled as she clutched the doorframe for support, her breath catching in her throat. The tears that had been a constant companion in his absence burned at the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Lachie…” she whispered, his name feeling both foreign and familiar on her tongue. She took a hesitant step forward, her gaze flicking over the uniform that marked him as something different, something distant. “I thought…" she frowned, still unable to bring herself to say it aloud. Dead. Her heart still splintered at the thought.

"You're alive…” Her voice broke, the disbelief and hurt evident in every word. She shook her head, trying to make sense of it all, trying to reconcile the boy she had loved with the man standing before her now.

"I don't understand," she said, her voice trembling with the weight of her emotions. She wanted to reach out, to touch him, to reassure herself that he was real, but something held her back—a wall built by months of silence, of unanswered letters, of nights spent crying herself to sleep.

“What happened, Lachie?” she finally asked, the tears spilling over as she searched his face for answers. “You stopped writing, you just… disappeared. I thought you were gone. I mourned you, Lachie. I.. I thought I’d never see you again.” Her voice cracked, the pain and confusion she had bottled up for so long spilling out.

She wanted to be angry, to shout at him for breaking her heart, for leaving her to wonder what had become of him. But all she felt was a deep, aching sadness. The boy she had loved, the boy she had waited for, was here, but so much had changed. The love she felt for him was still there, but it was tangled up with all the hurt he had caused.

Heidi took another step closer, her tears flowing freely now. “Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you write to me?” She paused, her voice softening to a whisper as she added, “Why did you leave me to think you were gone?”

She stood there, waiting for him to answer, her heart caught between hope and despair.

 

[Lachlan Irwin]

Kress, she was so beautiful.

Lachlan could not help the smile that only came to life in her presence. It was firstly those eyes that fell upon him, and filled him with a light she shone naturally. Over the years, he had always gravitated to her, and did many other boys, but Heidi had been the lighthouse that guided him through his darkest of days.

And he was still a lone boat in the ocean, needing a way back home. He thought of her every time he thought of home...

Shit.

"I..." And then he realised how useless his reasons were, and to speak them sounded like an excuse, as if he truly did not care. His face, once so bronzed from sun and freckled across his nose, now paler. His hair had once been a bright blond but now dulled to a silver instead of gold. He looked unwell, perhaps for years now he had been as he was kept away from Vel Odren.

"I didn't want to lie to you anymore." Before she could see his face come undone, before she could see the despair and shame cling to his emotions, Lachlan turned away and blinked at the blinding sun descending. "I got to a dark place, Heids. I couldn't do it on my own. I needed you the most and I was weeks away from home, from you..." I wouldn't have made it.

He swallowed. "Heids, I am going to apologise to you every fucking day for what I did. That was all I needed you to know..." His head dropped, hanging low as Lachlan cursed before lifting it back up with a loud sigh. "I am going to be home for the foreseeable future, but on your word, I will not darken your doorstep again if you wish it."

And he braced himself to hear her deny him from knocking on her door again.

 

[Heidi]

Heidi’s heart ached as she listened to Lachlan’s broken words, each one a dagger twisting in the wound he had left behind. The boy she had loved, the boy she had spent so many sleepless nights dreaming of and praying for, stood before her in a state that made her heart ache all the more. His face, once bright with hope, was now etched with guilt and regret. She could see the toll that the years away from home had taken on him, and the sight only deepened the hurt she felt.

When he turned away, trying to hide the anguish that he couldn’t mask, Heidi’s resolve wavered. The pain and anger she had been holding back now surged to the forefront. She swallowed hard, the ache in her throat threatening to choke her, and let out a laugh that was more of a sob than a sound of amusement.

“Gods… I’m an idiot…” she murmured, rubbing a hand across her forehead as if to erase the memory of his betrayal. Her voice was trembling, struggling to contain the flood of emotions that had been bottled up for so long. “I wept for you. My heart was broken and I wept more tears than I realised I could, and you…” Her words faltered as she looked up, her eyes swimming with tears.

“You let me believe that you were dead…” Her gaze turned to him, anger mingling with the sadness in her eyes. “You left me here to grieve while you were off doing god-knows-what…” Her voice grew sharper, the anger she rarely allowed herself to feel emerging as a defense against the pain.

“You know, I prayed every day that there was some mistake, that there was some reason you could no longer write to me, that maybe you were lost somewhere and I asked the Gods again and again to bring you back here…” She paused, her voice cracking as she swallowed the bitterness that threatened to overwhelm her. “And I replayed over and over in my mind how I’d cry with joy and run into your arms and tell you I…”

She stopped, the weight of her unspoken words hanging in the air. The love she had once felt so strongly was now tangled with a deep sense of betrayal and grief. She took a shaky breath, trying to steady herself as she looked at him.

“How could you do that to me, Lachie?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, the question filled with the raw pain of her heartache. “How could you leave me like that and make me believe you were gone forever? You speak of your own dark place.. What of the one you left me in?"

Her eyes searched his, looking for any hint of the boy she had loved so deeply, trying to reconcile the image of him she had cherished with the man who stood before her now. The hurt was palpable, the anger mixed with a desperate longing for answers.

“Maybe… maybe I don’t know how to forgive you,” she admitted softly, her voice trembling.

Heidi took a step back, the distance between them feeling like a chasm that had grown wider with every unspoken word and unanswered letter. “I don’t know what to do with this… with you,” she said, her voice breaking as she fought to keep her composure.

 

[Lachlan Irwin]

A younger Lachlan knew what to do if he stood here now.

He would pull her in, hold her tight and let her hit him or cry into his shirt. His hand would go to her hair and smooth it down her back. His lips would kiss the top of her head, and he would murmur to her it would all be alright.

But he had been gone for four years, had stopped writing to her.

Outside her door, he stood before her and scratched at the back of his neck. His eyes avoiding her own, because he knew he would feel her heartbreak for real.

"Heids, I am sorry..." Lachie's voice was gentle. No one had heard him speak in such a way, except for her. Her, the only one he could be gentle with and vulnerable. She deserved to see him at a loss, to lift his head and look into her eyes that he fell in love with way too quickly.

The hurt, anger, confusion. Everything and more. He felt guilty, ashamed, but still he took that step closer to her, an arm lifting towards her. "Can we... go for a walk? Sit on the docks?" They did that a lot as children. His arm fell back to his side, too afraid to pull her in towards him. Perhaps she was no longer his, and with that thought, Lachlan fought back the choking breath that prelude the sting of tears at his eyes.

 

[Heidi]

Heidi’s heart twisted at the sound of his voice, soft and gentle, the way it had always been when he spoke to her. Hearing it now, after so long, brought a rush of memories, each one tinged with the bittersweet ache of what they had lost. She had imagined this moment so many times, had rehearsed what she might say, how she might react. But none of that prepared her for the reality of standing before him, with all the love and pain tangled up inside her.

When Lachlan stepped closer, Heidi’s breath caught in her throat. She wanted to step into his embrace, to let herself be held like she used to, where everything felt safe and simple. But there was a wall between them now, built of silence and time, and she didn’t know how to tear it down.

His words—so tentative, so unsure—cut through the anger that had flared up moments before. She could see how much it cost him to ask, to hope that maybe they could find a way back to what they had once been. And yet, as much as she wanted to say yes, to let him take her hand and lead her to the docks where they had spent so many carefree afternoons, she hesitated.

Heidi searched his face, taking in the changes time had wrought. He was still Lachie, the boy she had loved, but there was something different now—an edge, a weariness that hadn’t been there before. She could see the guilt in his eyes, the shame, and it tugged at her heart even as she struggled to hold on to her anger.

“Lachie…” she began, her voice softer now, the sharpness of her earlier words gone. “I don’t know if I can just… go back to the way things were.” She shook her head, trying to sort through the whirlwind of emotions inside her. “I want to. Gods, I want to believe that we can just go for a walk, sit on the docks, and everything will be okay again. But I don’t know if it can be.”

Her voice trembled, and she hated that she was still on the verge of tears, still so affected by him after everything. “You hurt me, Lachie. You left me alone to think you were dead, and I—I don’t know how to just… let that go.”

Heidi took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “But… I also don’t know how to let you go,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to look at you and not see the boy who meant everything to me.”

She looked down at the ground, the weight of her emotions almost too much to bear. “I don’t know if I can forgive you, but… maybe we can try to talk.”

She took a small step toward him, the distance between them shrinking, though the chasm in her heart remained. “You have one hour.” she said, her voice trembling with the hope and fear that warred within her.

 

[Lachlan Irwin]

He wanted to tell her five minutes with her was a blessing to have, but an hour was more than he deserved. What she did deserve from him was a genuine and appreciative smile and tentatively he beckoned for her to follow him to walk towards the water nearby.

After a distance was cleared, turning the corner to see the water just below and the stairs that led to the pebbled beach below. This was not a beach for tourists to swim at, not when it usually had strong currents of the Cortosi Sea lingering beneath the waves. He would pause halfway down the stairs, finding a spot to comfortably sit on and lean against the wooden railing amongst the stone and bushes. Here, it gave a perfect view of the water, the sea beyond it.

"I thought I could get through the years at the Academy without a problem, you know? That... the Revolution made it easier and all I had to do was use my magic and graduate." He took a long inhale and struggled with the exhale. Lachie had tried not to get choked up so soon, but he had been feeling these emotions without addressing them until now. "But the Proctors, the Initiates that grew up there, they have been so ingrained with the old ways..."

Lachie did not take his eyes off the ocean. How long had he wished to see it, and his first chance had been an adventure of pirating and looting in the Southern Isles with Ivan. It was no wonder he faked his death then, to be free of the responsibilities of he Academy.

"You start to feel as if you don't belong, Heids. You end up mimicking them, being strong and deadly to the point they start respecting you. I actually struggled at the start with the pretending, I knew you'd hate to see me like that... and that's when I had to stop writing to you. I did not want to withhold anything from you no longer..."

Lachlan paused, staring hard at the water. Either the sun reflecting off the beach sparkled in his eyes, or Lachie was tearing up again.

"By the time my friend and I passed off dead bodies of ourselves, I knew I was a disappointment." He managed a bemused smile. Nana did not believe any of it. Had sent out some of their employees and even Lachie's cousin to find and bring him home. They were found within a month, and Ivan said his goodbyes. Then his mate got caught up in the eclipse and it's unnatural storm, returned to the Academy shrivelled up as if Death made him wait too long to be escorted from the living. Thank Kress that Caddel girl knew how to heal slowly and save his friend. "Nana told me she had to tell you... and that you were so..."

He looked to her then, sad, already mourning. As if this was his last chance and he no longer had confidence he would win her back. "Every day, I will write you an apology. Reasons why I should never play with your emotions like that again..."

 

[Heidi]

Heidi followed Lachlan in silence, still unsure if this was truly real. The familiar path to the beach, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, the salty scent of the sea—it all felt so much like home, yet now it was heavy with the weight of everything that had happened between them. She watched him as they walked, his movements slower, more hesitant than she remembered. He had changed, and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

When they reached the stairs that led down to the beach, Heidi paused beside him, glancing at the water below. It had always been a place of comfort for them, but today it felt like it was holding too many unspoken words. She listened as he spoke, his confession something of a raw wound that had festered for too long.

As he talked about the Academy, the Proctors, the pressure to become something he wasn’t, Heidi’s heart broke a little more for him. She had always known there was darkness in the world, but to hear how deeply it had affected him, how it had changed him, made her feel a profound sadness. She understood now why he had stopped writing, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

When he finally turned to look at her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, Heidi felt her chest tighten painfully. The boy she had loved was still there, beneath the pain and guilt, and it took everything in her not to reach out and hold him the way she used to. But there was still a chasm between them, one that couldn’t be bridged with apologies alone.

She let the silence hang between them for a moment before speaking, her voice quiet but steady. “Lachie… I understand, I think, why you pulled away. I can't imagine what you went through—what it did to you. But...” Her voice cracked, and she swallowed hard, forcing herself to continue. “That doesn’t make it easier for me. You left me here, with no explanation, no warning. I thought I lost you forever.. You could have told me you didn't want me in your life any more. It would have hurt, but at least it would have been the truth."

Heidi looked out at the sea, the waves crashing against the rocks below, reflecting the turmoil inside her. “I don’t know what to say to you,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “Hearing your reasons doesn’t take away the pain of all those nights I spent wondering what happened to you. You were my best friend, Lachie. You were everything to me. And when you disappeared… it broke me.”

She turned to face him then, her teary eyes filled with a deep sadness. “You talk about writing me apologies, about explaining why you did what you did, but I don’t need that. What I need is to understand if the boy I loved is still in there, somewhere beneath everything the Academy did to you.” She took a breath, her voice softening. “I need to know if you’re still Lachie… or if the person I fell in love with is gone.”

Her heart ached as she said the words, but they needed to be spoken. She couldn’t move forward, couldn’t even begin to forgive him, unless she knew who he was now. The boy who had left Vel Odren had been her everything, but the man standing in front of her was almost a stranger.

Heidi took a step closer, searching his face for some sign of the boy she had once known. “Because I don’t know if I can survive losing you again, Lachie.”

 

[Lachlan Irwin]

You left me here, with no explanation, no warning. I thought I lost you forever.. You could have told me you didn't want me in your life any more. It would have hurt, but at least it would have been the truth."

"But if I said any of that, it'd be a lie." He couldn't look at her anymore. Eyes back on the sea, it brought him comfort to know he was away from all of that now and he was home, surrounded by water. It kept him afloat, even now as his hands gripped the step he sat on, knuckles turning white. "How could I ever not want you, Heids?"

And then he broke at that very thought.

His cheeks were glistening with silver trails of tears, falling at a pace he found it useless to wipe away with his shoulder. "Fuck." He growled, frustrated with himself. "I... I am here. I came back here to be with you, Heidi. After everything, I cannot lose you too."

He stood, towering and large that he darkened as the sun was blocked by his figure. Heidi had been on the steps higher than him, but now they were eye to eye. Lachlan looked haunted, as if he had been through hell too many times and returned a husk of a thing.

"I am still me... but different. Darker... but you don't know how alive I feel seeing you again after all this time." His deep voice was quite, rumbling, and he gave her a smile that did not last long for this world. "You are the beacon I have been looking for, Heidi. Because I have never stopped loving you."