Hey dad,
How is it going? Still dead I hope. Well, I don't hope you are still dead, more that you aren't like an undead thrall or something which is very possible in my line of work. Anyways I am sure you are wondering why I am writing. So earlier today I went to the washroom and had a pee. After the pee I kinda felt empty. I don't know how else to explain the idea, or if you had ever experienced something like that, but... I don't know it was just this uncomfortable emptiness making me want to try and pee again as if that would some how change anything. Anyways so I went back and hoped I would feel better, but suddenly I realized that my chest was tight, and I was no longer really thinking right. I don't know how to explain it, but my vision narrowed, and my thoughts were sharp, but also foggy. Yeah I know it doesn't make any sense. Anyways I stopped what I was doing, and stood up wandering a bit. I was without much thought flexing different muscles in my neck, shoulders, arms, and legs. The neck flexing was so often and intense I must have looked mad to any observer, but I was alone. That was what hit me the hardest, my maid had not come to the communal area where I observed the world though my magic crystals yet today, and most of the day was gone. I questioned if I should go see her, she had a room two floors up so I could go see her, not cause I was worried about not seeing her, but because I knew I shouldn't be alone in that moment. I didn't go to see her however. I feared being a nuisance to her, She is like a little sister to me, and she already see's me as an annoying older brother. I don't know me being a nuisance is an excuse, but I don't know for what. For some underlying fear of seeing others? Even though the only times I am happy is when I am with others. I often joke about how I shut down when I am alone, but it is true, not that I cease to exist, or maybe that is accurate, because I... I don't know I am not me when I am alone. When I am alone I seem to transform into a wounded animal that searches for a dark corner to curl up and die in. Almost as if I am trying to suffer whenever I am alone, but I don't understand. It is so strange to me because I know that the cure for the pain from being alone is to not be alone, as I can literally feel my soul being repaired when I am with my trusted friends, but when I am alone I avoid them. Btw I closed my eyes, and immediately began daydreaming, again I don't know why though. I can no longer remember my train of thought now... I remember going through thoughts on why I would avoid people though, and I'll follow that one as some thoughts came to mind: They might physically/emotionally/mentally hurt me. Honestly not much comes to mind, but what it might be is the look I see in people's eyes when they look at me. The look I get in the middle of the day when I am free even though I run an empire. Where I am incredibly powerful and successful, but I see it in peoples eyes, "Why are you free right now? Is there not something better you could be doing? I realize now that what is happening when I close my eyes is me beginning to pass out because my body can no longer handle being in such an aggravated state, even now my hand writing still holds the pressure from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I don't like them looking at me with confusion on their faces, especially because they never speak up to ask me any of the questions, I have known them for years and know what they want to say, so why won't they say it? Why must they judge me, worse look concerned for me when I am fine? Why can't they be here when I am not fine? Why must those who I call friends, and who do not look at me that way, live so far away, and never seem free to see me, this one's for you... I don't know can they be called friends, well duh, but I mean I give them love, support, affection, and advise, and what do I receive? Entertainment, and feelings of happiness I thought lost as I wallowed in the depths of despair? Maybe I need to be better at asking for what I need, but then I guess I have come full circle as I don't want to ask, I just want my dark corner. Man I am feeling my exhaustion grow, I really can't believe how tiring panicking over nothing is. My chest kind of hurts to from my heart beating so fast.
Endless love, Steve, your son.
How is it going? Still dead I hope. Well, I don't hope you are still dead, more that you aren't like an undead thrall or something which is very possible in my line of work. Anyways I am sure you are wondering why I am writing. So earlier today I went to the washroom and had a pee. After the pee I kinda felt empty. I don't know how else to explain the idea, or if you had ever experienced something like that, but... I don't know it was just this uncomfortable emptiness making me want to try and pee again as if that would some how change anything. Anyways so I went back and hoped I would feel better, but suddenly I realized that my chest was tight, and I was no longer really thinking right. I don't know how to explain it, but my vision narrowed, and my thoughts were sharp, but also foggy. Yeah I know it doesn't make any sense. Anyways I stopped what I was doing, and stood up wandering a bit. I was without much thought flexing different muscles in my neck, shoulders, arms, and legs. The neck flexing was so often and intense I must have looked mad to any observer, but I was alone. That was what hit me the hardest, my maid had not come to the communal area where I observed the world though my magic crystals yet today, and most of the day was gone. I questioned if I should go see her, she had a room two floors up so I could go see her, not cause I was worried about not seeing her, but because I knew I shouldn't be alone in that moment. I didn't go to see her however. I feared being a nuisance to her, She is like a little sister to me, and she already see's me as an annoying older brother. I don't know me being a nuisance is an excuse, but I don't know for what. For some underlying fear of seeing others? Even though the only times I am happy is when I am with others. I often joke about how I shut down when I am alone, but it is true, not that I cease to exist, or maybe that is accurate, because I... I don't know I am not me when I am alone. When I am alone I seem to transform into a wounded animal that searches for a dark corner to curl up and die in. Almost as if I am trying to suffer whenever I am alone, but I don't understand. It is so strange to me because I know that the cure for the pain from being alone is to not be alone, as I can literally feel my soul being repaired when I am with my trusted friends, but when I am alone I avoid them. Btw I closed my eyes, and immediately began daydreaming, again I don't know why though. I can no longer remember my train of thought now... I remember going through thoughts on why I would avoid people though, and I'll follow that one as some thoughts came to mind: They might physically/emotionally/mentally hurt me. Honestly not much comes to mind, but what it might be is the look I see in people's eyes when they look at me. The look I get in the middle of the day when I am free even though I run an empire. Where I am incredibly powerful and successful, but I see it in peoples eyes, "Why are you free right now? Is there not something better you could be doing? I realize now that what is happening when I close my eyes is me beginning to pass out because my body can no longer handle being in such an aggravated state, even now my hand writing still holds the pressure from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I don't like them looking at me with confusion on their faces, especially because they never speak up to ask me any of the questions, I have known them for years and know what they want to say, so why won't they say it? Why must they judge me, worse look concerned for me when I am fine? Why can't they be here when I am not fine? Why must those who I call friends, and who do not look at me that way, live so far away, and never seem free to see me, this one's for you... I don't know can they be called friends, well duh, but I mean I give them love, support, affection, and advise, and what do I receive? Entertainment, and feelings of happiness I thought lost as I wallowed in the depths of despair? Maybe I need to be better at asking for what I need, but then I guess I have come full circle as I don't want to ask, I just want my dark corner. Man I am feeling my exhaustion grow, I really can't believe how tiring panicking over nothing is. My chest kind of hurts to from my heart beating so fast.
Endless love, Steve, your son.
