Completed Fear Is Not Strength

[Saderzaine Vult]

Skrr...krr...krrrr. The sound of the training dummy dragging behind Saderzaine had a strangely calming effect on him as he paced towards an open area in the forests just near the institute. In reality, though, he was far from feeling normal. As his journey continued along, Sader couldn't help but allow his mind to drift back to earlier in the day. It had started like any other and he had made it to combat training, but the real problems began there.

Like normal he had paired with Initiate Bell, one of his acquaintances through the class, and so they began. The assignment was to spar without the use of magic and, ever the diligent pair, the two had begun their matches. Across their total five fights, Sader had beaten Bell every time, but each time felt slower. Sader prided himself on his reflexes that he had honed through adapting to the speed boosting he could use to fight, but by the last bout he narrowly edged out a victory. All throughout the rest of class the narrow win had bothered him, and he decided that some extra training was in order.

It’s weird. Bell is a perfectly fine partner and it can only be good if he is becoming stronger. I have nothing against him, surely, so…what IS this? This feeling is unlike those I’ve had before, thought Sader, stopping at a clearing and setting up the dummy. By all standards the day was actually rather nice, the wind blowing through the trees and keeping the temperature brisk. A thought, almost as though blown in by the wind, crept into the back of his mind:

What would my father say?

Gritting his teeth, Sader would shake his head a bit and pull a spear from his back, the masterwork of metal shining in the daylight. Now, unlike ever before, Sader noticed his hands shake a bit under the cold of the steel and his expression darkened. Taking a battle stance with the poise of one who had committed such a pose to muscle memory, he would grip the weapon and launch it towards the head of the dummy.

Feeling his magic flow through his hands and into the spear to send it rocketing towards his target was always nice, but the sight that followed was not. He missed the dummy’s head by a few inches and watched as the projectile harmlessly hit the ground. Before he could stop it, a flash of anger set him alight:

“GOD DAMN IT!” After that outburst, he once again turned inward, sitting down to panic. W-what’s going on with me? Why is this happening so fast? What the FUCK am I doing?

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

Northward along a familiar road did she ride.

Kristen Pirian carried with her both errands that were large in scale—those that concerned her station as Lady of Vel Numera, or her House as a whole—and errands that were personal. Duty demanded most often that she attend first to that which was greater than herself, that she put aside those small personal items which held a keen interest to her or perhaps she longed fiercely to do. Discerning judgment, along with planning and a hint of serendipitous opportunity, were the ways in which Kristen could fit these personal errands into a schedule that could bear no more of the quill's ink.

Here now was such an opportunity.

Kristen had finished some business further south, and as it so happened, her northward journey back to Vel Numera would take her past the Academy and, more to her aim, through Vel Stratholm. There she endeavored to meet a girl; a girl who had been orphaned, so she was told. Zael Castomir, a Rogue Dreadlord of whom Kristen's regard was dubious at best, had unexpectedly snuck into her chambers in Vel Numera one night to talk. Talk, yes, and this earnest plea from him was perhaps the deciding factor in Kristen not then and there binding him in Chains and turning him in to the Anirian Guard. They spoke for a while, Zael making a request and asserting that he was "done" with Vel Anir, with the Rogues, with everything after it. Kristen granted him that trust, though she could not help but to bring up Ganfarred Keep and Vel Farris. With regard to the latter, Zael had said to her: "You wanna know what really happened in Vel Farris? Go to Vel Stratholm, find an orphan girl named Heather Hane, and ask her. She's there. I brought her there myself."

And so this was what Kristen intended to do. She wanted to see if Zael was telling the truth. She wanted to see if her trust in him was not misplaced.

It would be many miles yet before this would be unveiled. At present, Kristen was on one of the many roads which spidered along the country in the proximity of Vel Anir's Academy. She'd not pass by so close as to see it, but these roads she knew from the missions she had been sent forth to complete when she was an Initiate. Gods, it felt a lifetime in and of itself, even her short and unorthodox regimen of four years there! Never did she fail to marvel—and shudder—at the experience Initiates who all came before her endured, taken as children, knowing nothing but those walls and eventually these roads all their life to the cusp of adulthood.

There came then as she rode a shout, carried by the wind from its place of origin off the road and deeper into the forest on her left. The shout to her ears was indistinct, made vague by its distance, yet it was undeniably charged with emotion. Kristen halted her horse. Was there...trouble? She didn't know.

But she bid her horse from her northward path along the road and into the forest to find out. A small detour, mayhap, this occurrence one of those personal items of hers now.

Through the shade of the canopy of trees there would come soon enough the brightness of a clearing, the noontime sun given its full prominence ahead. In the clearing, a curious sight: a spear sitting out of the ground, a training dummy, and a lone figure sitting amidst the grass.

Kristen emerged from the treeline, sitting atop her horse, and called to the figure, a young man, saying: "Is everything well?"

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

Saderzaine managed to break out of his mental haze long enough to grasp the newcomer’s words and use them to climb out of his self-made pit of panic. His previous demeanor had faded, replaced with an expected and proper mask of neutrality. “Er, hello there. You’ve caught me at a bit of a moment,” he explained cautiously, unsure of whether to press on. After a moment of silent deliberation, he decided he had not adequately answered the stranger’s query.

Taking stock of the person before him, She appeared to be a red-haired girl and inconspicuous enough, but the poise with which she stood and spoke was…quietly regal. “Well, I suppose explaining this requires some context, so I’ll simply tell you I am an Dreadlord Initiate. Class was weirdly rough for me today, so I came out to…train.” He finished, not noticing he had been tapping his foot up and down. The stress was not gone, not by a long shot, but he had committed to the facade of stability and could not deal with such things because of it. “I-I must do well to make my family proud, and I didn’t do so today so I went out here to punish myself get some extra training in.”

With that disastrous performance, Sader jogged off to retrieve his spear and had managed to further compose himself by the time of his return to face the fire-haired lady. Why he had felt the need to explain himself to a total stranger was a mystery, but best to end it here and go back to moping. “You didn’t ask for my life story, though. All in all, I’m fine.”

It wasn’t usually his nature to lie, but better the lady get a move on and he resume his attempt at figuring out what was going on.

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

A Dreadlord Initiate. Such would have been a good guess, but Kristen didn't want to presume. Had she seen him about the Academy? Perhaps so. Likely so, in fact. He looked to be similar to her in age, so that would place him in the class succeeding hers. Yet the nature of the Academy was such that it made difficult even knowing the breadth of one's own classmates, let alone those from a younger or older year.

Make his family proud, he said. In that both she and he shared a common drive. One, sadly, that many Initiates either did not, or could not, also share.

Kristen placed her hands on the saddle horn, and her horse bent its neck to nibble at the grass.

"May I ask your family name?"

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

His family's name? Well, now that was fair, for Sader had mentioned them in detailing his motivations. "Vult. My father is the head of the house. His name is Marx, if that helps." His getaway plan was sloppy from the beginning so this was likely deserved, but at least it was a distraction. He needed one. "My name is..." he paused for a second, wondering how to introduce himself. "Sader is simplest, so Sader Vult."

With that he stretched a little bit and continued on: "Our house is minor, but I admire my father. He has the respect of his subjects because they give it, not due to rank. That's true power, in my eyes at least. If you don't mind, could you reveal your family name as well?" If he was going to be forced not to wallow in his sorrow, he would at least want to know who he was talking to.

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

It was by happenstance that the moment Sader mentioned Vult being a minor house, Kristen recalled it as such. Ah, she thought she had heard that name before! Further details eluded her, but the name, one of the many amongst Vel Anir's minor nobility, was yet within reach. As ever, those plentiful galas and socials and parties she had attended prior to enrolling in the Academy had served their purpose.

"I am Kristen Lucretia Pirian, daughter of Lord Neil Taeris Pirian and Lady Josephine Juliet Pirian." She dismounted from her horse, and here curtsied lightly to Sader. "And I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Sader Vult."

She smiled, and said, "I shall say further that I agree with your regard of your father. It is the love of the people that is the mark of greatness, and we of House Pirian strive to do the same."

Sadly, such a motivation could be quite rare in Vel Anir, so Kristen was learning as she got older and her once immaculate—and naive—view of her country sustained some tarnishing. Yet still she loved her homeland, and placed great hope in the Republic to mend all that ailed it.

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

Sader choked on his own breath when his mind registered the name “Pirian”. Here he was talking like an idiot to a daughter of one of the great houses of Vel Anir! Well, that the conversation was going well was some consolation, at least. Not to mention, this particular Pirian was a Dreadlord. She outranked him militarily and socially, so that was going to be rather fun to deal with.

“Pleased to meet you as well, Kristen. Can’t have quite predicted we’d meet in this particular situation…or at all, but life works mysteriously.” He said with a sigh, grinning despite his situation at her praise of his motives. “I appreciate your words, and agree with them in turn. If even one of the great houses has the whole of Vel Anir in mind, perhaps things can get better.” He responded respectfully.

Suddenly he was struck with a strange curiousity. What exactly was Kristen around for then? A mission? “What brings you to…um, my neck of the woods? A mission or something?” he queried, pushing his better judgement a little to the side due to how smoothly their talk was progressing. Of course, though, he knew not to push for more than that.

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

Life works mysteriously. Oh, the great truth in that! Despite the violently secular nature of the vast majority of her fellow Anirians, Kristen believed deeply in the gods of Celestialism, in Aionus, and believed the ways of mystery to be in accordance with their subtle designs.

She answered Sader's question: "I am riding north, in fact, from further south. Though my aim is ultimately to return to Vel Numera, I am first called by a kind of duty to Vel Stratholm. I shall be..."

She thought for a moment on how to condense her story into properly succinct form. But, also, she thought it wise to avoid mentioning the name of Zael Castomir, a Rogue Dreadlord, his part being an unnecessary complication to the story in needing much explanation to contextualize.

"...proving someone's honor, by perhaps discovering what truly happened in the razing of Vel Farris by the 10th Homeguard—if there is indeed more truth to it than I have heard tell."

Curious for his perspective, being an Initiate still in the Academy as he was, she then added, "Tell me, Sader: have you heard any word, any word at all, about Vel Farris?"

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

Ah, so Kristen was that type of person who always liked to see the truth with their own eyes at the slightest inconsistency. That was, of course, far from a flaw. Some of his best future allies (and toughest current competition) were like that as well. He was firmly convinced by this point that Kristen was someone to trust, so he nodded along and tried to understand more of what was being said.

Razing Vel Farris, as far as he knew from what had been shared with them in Modern War (a favorite class of his), was a military action meant to flush out any rogue Dreadlords allied with Archon Gilram still in hiding. It seemed to be a bit of an overreaction to Sader, but ultimately he would express his opinion only when it was proper.

He decided the best way to explain himself to Kristen was simply to say that: “The way I see it, Vel Farris was an interesting maneuver, and may end up doing more damage than good. However, since I am unfamiliar with war in anything other than theory, I can’t quite say I’m qualified to speak on the matter of tactics. Is that fair?” he queried, well aware that in a question involving controversy there was often a “correct answer” people would like over any other.

“However, my opinions on this civil war are different. I believe focusing on Gilram’s rebels is inefficient. Instead, the kingdom should focus on bettering itself and it's military. A side benefit of such action would be more power to direct at the rebels should they ever launch a larger offensive.”

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

...is that fair?

"Quite fair."

So, report of Vel Farris had indeed reached the Academy, and likely so for the benefit of the Initiates' learning and analysis, not unlike any other battle, recent or old. Both Sader and herself seemed to have the official account of the Guard—that is, that nothing too extraordinary happened there, and the Republic was plagued with a number of similarly pitched battles in the ongoing war of reclamation. Zael had disputed his part in Vel Farris, contradicting the official report of the Guard; if it turned out that he was lying to her, in some attempt to ingratiate himself with her or to cover his deeds, then Kristen wouldn't care that he was "done" with Vel Anir—she'd find him, wherever it was he would go to hide, and have a stern talk with him.

Sader went on to elaborate his position further, from a more general view. Here Kristen would nod, though she was only partially of mind with Sader. Vel Anir, she believed, could effectively—and needed—to do both. And it was.

"I thank you for your candor, Sader. The Guard we have today—its collective heart—is the very same which ensured the success of the Revolution, and doubtless we shall see it continue to safeguard the Republic that is in essence its child."

She glanced then the training dummy, and to the spear which Sader had retrieved.

"And what of you? A cry I heard from far off, from the road itself in truth, and thus did I come. Have you met with frustrations in your training?"

He had mentioned that class had been "weirdly rough" for him this day. Gods, the many times Kristen herself could have expressed that selfsame sentiment when she was an Initiate!

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

"Quite fair." Sader sighed a bit of relief and waited for Kristen to finish, his breath only hitching in his throat when he was told about the virtues of the guard. Kristen's appraisal was incredibly positive, enough that he would reliably bet that the lady before him disagreed with at least a part of his opinion concerning the efficacy of the kingdom against the rebels. Luckily, it was not as though he had said anything particularly traitorous, and Kristen didn't seem like the type to get zealously offended for no real reason.

His suspicions were confirmed with her changing of the topic to something else. However, Sader could not say he liked this topic any more than the last one. Likely less, actually. "My shout reached all the way to the road?" he asked incredulously, cheeks turning a bit red. Such a situation was likely the case, for what else could have caught Kristen's attention in this direction? However, he thought about it for a second and realized that he himself had not yet fully grasped what this newfound anxiety was.

Perhaps he would find his answer in the words of another. "I suppose you could call my problem that. However, it's slightly more complicated in my opinion. I've met with barriers in my skill before and those have always managed to fall away with time and practice and patience. Decide for yourself if saying so is arrogant, of course, but I think I am a good student," he exposited, taking a second to breathe. This was the hard part to parse, after all. "Today, though, I struggled to beat someone I normally do well against. Initiate Bell is no slouch and it's great he's gotten stronger, but all through the rest of class and until now something's been weighing on me due to the experience that I struggle to name ."

"I can't fall behind at all if I want to be a successor to my father. I have to do well, or I have to do maybe even better than that. S'why I brought out the dummy to train privately." His eyes seemed to dim a little at this explanation, as the feeling he was describing seemingly returned in force. He didn't notice but he shivered then a bit, suddenly colder in a breeze that had once simply been brisk. "Any idea what might be happening? It's rather disturbing."

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

Kristen listened as Sader divulged more detail on his plight. And when he finished, she needed but the faintest of moments before delivering her response. She held her hands clasped before herself in a prim way, and she said:

"I shall say that it is not arrogance which plays any part in this, for it is not the nature of arrogance to endure any measure of self-reflection. You strike me not as vain, Sader, and surely you like I have seen those who truly are.

"As to what is happening with you, I cannot say. The gift of magic is allocated in peculiar fashion across Arethil, and in even more particular degree from mage to mage. Is it so that Initiate Bell, and others of your class mayhap, continue to grow as their gift allows, and while you have reached the zenith of yours? A difficult reckoning, based on a sole day's signs.

"Now we of noble blood, of Great Houses or minor, do feel that selfsame pressure to perform as you mentioned, to bring esteem upon our family name. Blessed Aionus, I felt it very much myself! I still do, for I suppose you know as much as I do, Sader, that graduation from the Academy is not the end."

Kristen flushed with embarrassment, and glanced askew, down at the ground. She touched her chin with her artificial hand.

"I have...often made a fool of myself in the Academy, as I learned and grew. And often did I feel unworthy of the company around me."

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

Sader nodded in relief and began tapping his foot on the ground a bit to release excess energy he had garnered standing in one place for so long. It was good to hear he hadn't said anything too pretentious and even better to hear a bit of possible sympathy for his current fate. He realized he had left a bit too much context out of the equation, however, when the daughter Pirian began theorizing that he had reached the limit of his magic's potential. That was most assuredly not the case. The applications of his speed-boosting were almost too varied to keep track of, and the things that would reach their limit far before his power ever would were his body and mind.

"Oh, pardon my laziness. The spars I had with Bell were without the use of magic. Even with my current slump, I am sure my magical skill has not reached its peak by a good distance. It's usability is limited by nothing but my creativity insofar as where I am now. Similarly in other skills, it is not so much that I believe I have met an unclimbable wall as that I fear slowing down. Looking dumb." He finally took a breath and stretched a bit, a slight grin on his face as Kristen's words continued to settle into his mind. He was well aware that whatever this feeling of odd inferiority was, it could surely be much worse if he wasn't sheltered by the academy, in his own way. "Kristen, I appreciate your words more than you might see on my face. They mean a lot, and I do feel much better hearing them."

The most comforting thing out of all, though, was to know that he was not strange for faltering every once in a while. "All of those moments you felt unworthy has turned you into a person capable of helping others get through their own problems. Whatever my opinion is worth to you, I think you're just the type of person our kingdom needs as a Dreadlord. I can truly only hope I get to fight by your side one day." The chill he had felt moments before was now gone, and in its place a friendly warmth like that of a hearth resided. His mysterious ailment was pressure and fear, but obeying them were not the way forward. It was gratifying to learn that grappling with such feelings was not only normal but in the case of this interaction, even beneficial.

"I will never be worthy of my future place if I fail to move past being ruled by pressure. Fear is not strength, and though it will take...time, I shall learn to regulate it." He said with another slight smile, wondering why such an obvious thing hadn't made sense until now. Suddenly his noble instinct kicked in and he remembered who exactly he was talking to so plainly, his cheeks once again going a bit red. "By the way, I hope I'm not holding you up on your way. Your mission sounds important." he added.

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

I think you're just the type of person our kingdom needs as a Dreadlord. I can truly only hope I get to fight by your side one day.

And at this Kristen brightened, and her eyes shone. Gone, back into the past, went that embarrassment, for it was much as Sader himself had said: she appreciated hearing him say this, and it did mean quite a lot. She had felt greatly vexed (even a touch ashamed, to speak the truth) at being assigned Fourth Level as her rank; hardly would this rank lend itself to being inspiring, or add to the esteem of her House, or to the new ways in which the Academy trained its Dreadlords, she had thought in some sparse and gloomy moments. But her rank need not define the worth of her deeds. And to hear Sader speak aloud her hope, that she could embody the image of a Dreadlord molded in this new age, did much to bolster her resolve.

Through hardship and admirable service, she might yet attain the Third Rank—and beyond.

Sader voiced a consideration of her time, and Kristen said, "In that matter I am in no haste—for once." Blessed Aionus, had she been pulled this way and that upon returning to Vel Anir from afar! Less an errand etched in urgency, and more a note of opportunity would be her stop in Vel Stratholm.

"I know it is not the fashion of Initiates to reveal the contents of their heart, even in the wake of the Republic's reforms of the Academy. I will say that I am honored that you, knowing me for no more than this brief instance, have placed in me this trust. You speak of fear. Oh what kindred troubles, shared by you and I! Fear had well gotten the better of me for all my first and second year at the Academy."

Her first mission was a complete disaster, thanks to being overcome by it. And still to this day Kristen felt a cold awfulness in even recalling it. But to finally overcome those fears! Ah, true triumph!

Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

Sader felt a bit of comfort that his words had an impact. The light in Kristen's eyes couldn't help but be reflected in his own, his hand now steady like it hadn't been since even before he had brought out the dummy to the forest. In response to his question of time there appeared to be no real rush, which was nice. He hadn't been on a mission yet but he could imagine a kingdom-mandated quest would probably not allow time for a leisurely chat on the nature of trial and tribulation. He felt a bit of pride for Kristen, who chose to use one of their seemingly few breaks to chase after mystery and better their understanding.

At Kristen's next words he scratched the back of his neck in habit while he put together words to speak in return. "Well, it was not as though you did not earn my trust. Should you have simply nodded along and fell silent when I began to get personal a few seconds ago instead of speaking of your own less than fond memories, I can tell you my words would have been far more formal and taciturn. It does not take much to get a read on someone when you know what to look for, after all. For my part, I am rather grateful you reciprocated and gave me such insights," he said, ending with a slight exhale.

The true message he had gathered was that this sort of feeling of inadequacy would always be present now that it had shown it's face, but that was the beginning of the lifelong battle. Living with pressure and fear just long enough to confront and defeat it. "I hear you control Vel Numera. Perhaps one day I will visit after I've graduated and we can speak again. For now, though, I would like you to know that at least one member of House Vult is on your side, whatever that is worth." he explained with a small grin. Of course it wasn't about politics, but such self-determinant talk felt rather nice.

"I await the day where I win my inner battles as you seemingly have. It seems very exciting to be so enlightened." he said matter-of-factly, not trying to flatter his new acquaintance so much as make the observations he was so fond of.

Kristen Pirian

 

[Kristen Pirian]

Kristen smiled and bowed her head and brushed a strand of her behind her ear.

"Oh, goodness, do not be so quick to proclaim me a victor! But your words are kind all the same. An eminent son of the House of Vult you are, and to count you as a friend is indeed a privilege."

Kristen mounted her horse once more, and once in the saddle and with rein in hand she said: "If it is you should come to Vel Numera, you will be gladly received. And who knows? With the fortunes of Vel Anir as they are, with no shortage of duty for the Guard and tasks for Dreadlords and Initiates alike, we may again see one another sooner than that."


Saderzaine Vult

 

[Saderzaine Vult]

"If you say so, friend, then I won't. Hopefully Vel Anir finds itself in a spot with less of such situations abounding, but if such a problem arises, do not be afraid to call upon me as a teammate." Sader grinned and turned back to walk towards his prior place across from the only mildly injured dummy, finding himself much more relaxed and fluid than before. His debacles this morning were far from forgotten, but the boy was able to push them to the side. It struck him how powerful empathy ended up being in a life of no mercy.

He looked at his spear for a moment, feeling the cold steel becoming progressively colder in the chill of the day. A peaceful look overcame his visage as he breathed out and prepared to throw his spear once more. He focused straight ahead and let go of his weapon while infusing his magic, the feel of the toss different than any he had tried before. His spear now comfortably hit the middle of the dummy's face much like a bullseye, the speed of the impact such that the hit tore its hewn head from neck.

"That was a little bit better." he commented, fingers folding upon themselves into a celebratory raise of the fist despite his being unsure of exactly whether Kristen had left or not.

 

[Kristen Pirian]

Kristen yet stayed long enough to witness Sader's new effort. And mayhap with a redoubled determination his thrown spear struck true. The display brought a keen smile to Kristen's countenance. Ever did it lift her heart to see the flourishing of Vel Anir's warriors, those of sound mind and earnest conduct.

"When comes the day for us to fight together, gladly shall I stand at your side. Farewell, Sader!"

And urging her horse onward Kristen rode away, for many were her duties and errands, and each in their due order she needed to see done.





Saderzaine Vult