Private Tales Confessions of the Heart

[Zana]

Summer had finally begun to ensnare Vel'Anir within its oppressive coils. The heat had reached the level where without a breeze it was uncomfortable to be within the city walls. The nobles had already begun to leave for their coastal summer homes and some of the richer merchants had likewise left the city to seek the cooler climates and richer pockets of the Northern territories. The sun beat down upon the young woman and her horse as they waited within the shade of the lone tree that stood in the centre of the stable yards awaiting Sloan.

Zana had decided to strip back the layers as much as she dared for their ride outside of the walls. Her long thick waves of hair were pulled tightly back into two braids she wore flat against her head. She wore a short sleeved light blue tunic over light coloured breeches tucked into her black bucket boots which were turned over at the tops showing the rim of dark blue fabric that lined the insides. Despite the cooler outfit sweat still shone against her dark skin though whether that was due to the heat or her nerves, Zana wasn't entirely sure.

Today she was going to tell Sloan about Talus.

The woman was more of a mother to her than a mentor. Throughout her time in the Academy the empath had kept Zana from descending fully into the cold state most Dreadlords were trained to embrace. There had always been a flicker to her because of Sloan and the small kindnesses the woman had shown her throughout her life. Without her, she wondered at times whether Talus would have ever fallen in love with her. It was for that very reason she couldn't hold off telling the woman anymore about the romance which had been blossoming between the two of them for nearly six months now.

"Easy boy," Zana spoke in a soothing tone as her horse jogged sideways in an impatient manner. Grey, the wolf she had adopted, was sat slumped under the shade of a tree panting though she could sense his eagerness to get out of the city too. Perhaps they would go down to the river Sloan had taken her to frequently when she was younger.

Her pale green eyes glanced once more to the doorway of the stables as she waited for her mentor to join her. She wouldn't talk until they were beyond the city and away from prying ears.

 

[Sloan]

The heat fell over the city like a breath of hell. The woman's bronze skin glistened and rivulets of sweat sparkled in the afternoon sun as she rushed through the cobbled streets, her unprotected shoulders already slightly pink. If Sloan was at all bothered by the oppressive heat, she didn't show it, just as she never showed it when she felt she might freeze, or starve, or die of sleep deprivation. Her expression was a stoic and exhausted as ever as she finally strode into the stable yard, and yet her features warmed as they always did to see Zana.

She approached with a tired smile that reached her eyes as she looked up at the woman, a hand reaching to squeeze affectionately at her knee. "Let's get out of here, shall we?.." her lips curled. She didn't get much time to relax, and the older Zana had grown the more they'd been sent off on missions without one another. Today was a blessing she wouldn't take for granted.

After pulling the black freisian from his stable she quickly saddled and mounted before drawing up beside Zana and kicked gently at his sides.. She studied the woman as their horses clip-clopped lazily side by side out of the city, her dark eyes searching for signs of injury or emotion. There was something, not exactly wrong, but she knew that Zana was anxious about something, but just as the younger woman would not speak until they were outside of the city, Sloan would not ask.

The river was a welcomed sight, calm and still, so clear the smoothness of the rocks at the bed of it were visible. She dismounted in the respite of the shadow of a large oak tree that overhung the water and tied her horse's reins to a branch..

"I haven't been here in some time.." she sighed and sat by the water to pull off her boots.. "How have you been, Zana?.." she asked, cautious to keep the concern in her tone hidden.

 

[Zana]

Zana was thankful that Sloan didn't question her on their way out of the city. As soon as they passed under the towering archway Grey was off; the wolf didn't like the city at all now and he longed for their rides out towards the forest. He made a beeline for their usual trail towards Talus' cabin but looped back when he realised they were going a different way. The speed of their horses left little room for chat as the friesian and mustang raced one another down towards the river bank. Zandor pawed the ground when they stopped, eager to go again, and Zana had to laugh at the way the horse nudged at her when she was on the ground.

"Me neither, it always feels a little wrong to come here without you," it had been their spot after all. Leaving the horses Zana came to sit down beside her mother and began to pull off her own boots. She was trying to delay the conversation, she knew it, Sloan probably knew it.

"I have..." the wolf plunged into the river with a sharp yelp at the cold temperature and began to paddle for a stick. The Dreadlord smiled despite herself. "I have been the best I have been all my life," a warmth crept through her as she felt the love sweep through her. She wondered, briefly, if Sloan would be able to sense some of the emotions in her were not all of her own.

Then she said the words every mother dreaded.

"I think I'm in love."

 

[Sloan]

Sloan knew well that she was trying to delay the conversation that had to be had, and she'd already felt that warmth before Zana said the words. The woman's dark eyes remained on the wolf in the river, a small semblance of a smile still evident on her lips but her eyes were distant and she took care to shield every ebb and flow of emotion that coursed through her mind. She had suspected, but hearing her say it caused her chest to ache. She wanted desperately for Zana to be happy, but that was not the way of their lives, and she didn't want to see her daughter's heart crushed, or crush it herself by shunning her idea of love.

After a painfully long silence, Sloan dropped her gaze to her hands in her lap and laced her fingers as she thought for a moment rather than express her true opinion that it was nothing more than a silly notion..

"I thought I loved someone once.." Sloan sighed quietly, her gaze lifting to the river once more.. "We are not the heartless monsters that so many see us as, are we? We are human, our hearts all work the same, we are just conditioned differently." she sighed and clenched her jaw gently before continuing. "I was foolish enough to think that my heart was truly mine to give, or that the man I wanted to have it would even want it in the first place. Instead he took hold of it and squeezed so hard that I still feel it ache in my chest.."

She looked at her with apology in her eyes.. "We are human.." she repeated. "But we are not here to find love, Zana. We are here to do a job, to protect our house and our city. One day you'll understand... But please, let go of whatever this is before you have your heart torn out, I do not wish to see you hurt." she huffed quietly, her tone as gentle and as kind as she could make it.

 

[Zana]

Zana had known what her mother would say but it didn't mean it hurt any less. Her lips twisted and her brows drew down into a troubled frown as she watched the river, unable to speak right away. How could she even explain to her that Talus wasn't like that without sounding like every other young naive girl in history? The revelation that Sloan too had once loved also shocked her, though that faded much quicker. Of course Sloan would be more susceptible to those emotions as an empath. It had taken Zana losing part of her soul apparently to begin to really have that ability. Before then, Sloan had been the only person she would have died for.

Now she was helping to lead a revolution to be with the man she wanted a life with.

"What if we don't have to do the job..." Zana said quietly. She couldn't meet her eyes and she instead picked up a flower and twirled it in her fingers. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she spoke; Sloan should kill her right here and now for saying such things. "I don't... I don't want other children to go through what I did Sloan, I am tired of having to go back there every week and have them torture me. Ashur wants to lead Luana to a new age and I believe him but for him to succeed the rest of them need to fall. The Houses need to fall."

 

[Sloan]

Sloan sighed as she felt Zana's hurt and she dropped her gaze to the river. She had been so afraid of this for the longest time, she'd been lucky to keep Zana on the right track as much as she could throughout the young woman's teenage years, it was far more difficult to convince rebellious teens that they didn't know it all.. But she realised that it was just as difficult telling Zana now that she couldn't have what she wanted. Not really.

The question caused the sort of shock and panic that her body didn't know how to react to and so simply sat still, staring at the river and forgetting to breathe for a moment. She wanted so badly to pretend she hadn't just heard what she had heard, but as Zana continued, her eyes closed and a frown angled her brows as her head bowed with a deep sigh.

"Zana enough." Her voice was as calm as it always was and yet held a firm warning. She didn't want to hear any more, and fear bubbled in her chest at the path that the girl she'd raised was considering.. A pregnant silence fell between them before Sloan swallowed a pain in her throat, unable to bear looking up or even opening her eyes as she spoke.

"I am so sorry that I failed you, Zana.." she sighed and her lashes flickered open.. "And I couldn't be prouder of the woman you've become despite it all. Your strength is unparalleled, but I'm afraid I've been too..." how did they put it? "Soft, with you.. The fault is mine." her jaw clenched and her voice quivered as she attempted to apply a little more severity to her words..

"I'll forgive this notion but it'll be the last you'll speak of it. You know well that this is the way of things. We are here to serve. We are the backbone of Vel Anir. We have duties that outweigh our own lives, Zana." she frowned and looked up at her, the apology in her eyes now replaced by concern..

"Now can we forget about this and enjoy a few hours of peace?."

 

[Zana]

Peace...?

Zana sat stunned. She turned her face away from Sloan's to return her gaze back to the river with the slow movements of someone in a state of shock. Of all the people she had been expecting to jump eagerly to join her on her new found path it had been Sloan. Doubt began to creep into her mind and fester like the Draconic Plague as she questioned whether the mission she had found herself on the path to was going to be harder than she thought. Of course she had known it would be hard, near impossible, but she had been counting on the support of a few Dreadlord's.

More than just her and Talus.

The feeling of despair welling in her however was suddenly washed at by the wave of love and comfort that came through the bond he had forged between them and her eyes closed. Resolution took hold and her eyes shut.

"Of course," her voice was back to the flat more emotionless tone she wore with other Dreadlord's. "Peace," Zana slipped from the perch on the river bank once her breeches were rolled up and paddled her feet in the waves.

 

[Sloan]

'You're too soft with the girl, Sloan.. If you care too much, it'll only be more painful when she gets hurt, and she will get hurt.'

The words of her mentor played on her mind as she watched Zana wade into the water. It was even more painful when she was the one doing the hurting, she thought.

"Zana.. You know that I care about you far more than I ever should have. I want to see you succeed, and I want to see you happy. If I could have protected you from this life, I would have, but you are a Dreadlord and this is the hand you've been dealt just as I have. I was ripped from my own mother's clutches, my twin brother died in my arms. I don't have anyone else, Zana. You're my daughter, and I don't want to lose you. This talk of revolution, I can't.." her head shook and she rubbed at her brow..

 

[Zana]

"I know, mum," Zana's shoulders dropped. The anger and hurt left her in a rush; of course she knew why Sloan was trying to veer her away from this. But her fate was set, her feet were on this path now and there was no turning back from it. She picked up a rock from the river bed and then tossed one across the surface. It hopped four times before falling beneath the waves again and a small smile tugged at her lips at the simple pleasure.

"I won't mention it again if you don't want me too... but Talus I cannot pretend doesn't exist. Nor pretend how I feel for him. We are keeping things quiet and are being careful but I wanted you to know," Zana turned another stone over in her hands. Dreadlord relationships were not outlawed. In fact, they were encouraged by a lot of Houses because they would produce stronger children; more Dreadlords for their ranks. She turned and looked over her shoulder at her now and gave a sad smile.

"It felt wrong to hide this from you."

 

[Sloan]

Sloan lifted her gaze at being called ‘Mum’ and her lips curled slightly despite the ache in her chest. She watched the woman for a moment, a deep sigh escaping her lungs as she worries for her. She decided to deal with one thing at a time, and pushed the topic of treason out of her mind for now and listened to her speak of this man of hers with a gentle frown as she realised it had clearly been going on for longer than she’d thought..

“Talus Hm?...” she huffed and looked away, quite obviously finding it a difficult subject to approach. She knew Zana would want her approval, but she didn’t need it. She cast her gaze skyward as though asking the heavens for an answer before letting her shoulders fall and resigning as she looked back at her with exasperation ..

“Alright... Who is he?..” she asked, some small semblance of a smirk twisting at the corner of her lips and she rolled her eyes.. “What’s he like?...”

 

[Zana]

Zana couldn't help but laugh at the resigned tone in her mothers voice and she skimmed the stone in her hands. One, two, three, four, five... six. The Stone plopped beneath the chopping waves to the riverbed below and she tried to find another one near her feet. Grey had cottoned on to the game now and came splashing over, soaking Zana further.

"He's the Dreadlord who chose the Guard," her eyes flickered over to Sloan. If the name hadn't meant much the description would; Talus was the first Dreadlord to ever choose to align himself with the Guard and not a House nor the King himself. He had sent shockwaves through the community when he had done it and many Dreadlords viewed him as less for it. Zana knew better. She had seen it.

"He's ... kind," which was a rarity in a Dreadlord. "Fierce in battle, painfully clever and he doesn't know it," she turned the rock over in her hand with a smile and when she threw it this time Grey whooshed after it like it was a stick. The dumb mutt threw his head under the water, jaws snapping, as it plunged below on the fifth hit. "He likes to do woodwork when he's not on duty and he has shown me more of the world than I ever could have dreamed," her eyes shone and she touched the necklace that hung about her throat tenderly. It was a beautiful design. One width of silver pressed to her throat like a choker whilst the other hung like a necklace and from it dangled three beautiful sapphires.

 

[Sloan]

Another dreadlord... fabulous... If there was ever a group of people that anyone could be certain were emotionally unstable, it was dreadlords.

"I see..." she sighed. She recalled the upset the man had caused, but Sloan had only ever thought it bold. She listened as Zana described the man, but she studied her expression, the way she looked when she spoke of him rather than the words themselves. Kind, that was all she had to know, and she'd have to take Zana's word on that matter. Her gaze fell to the necklace the woman absently ran her fingers over and she smiled with another roll of her eyes.

It was bittersweet. Zana was no longer a child, she was rapidly gaining rank, she was a formidable dreadlord and she had far outgrown any training or advice that Sloan could offer. She didn't need her anymore, and now she needed her even less. The thought caused her throat to ache but she swallowed it back and offered a warm smile, trying her best to shield her emotions, but it had always been difficult with Zana.

"As long as he treats you well.." she sighed quietly. "I'm glad you're happy, Zana. I just want you to be careful with this talk of falling houses. I don't want to see you get hurt over such things. Do you understand? Be with this Talus and be happy but let that be enough, please." she frowned gently..

 

[Zana]

Zana turned the rock over in her hands as she thought over Sloan's words and her response carefully. The revolution was already afoot and her own fate decided which ever way the cards fell, but she didn't need to cause Sloan unnecessary stress by telling her as such. She also couldn't tell her, not if she wasn't onside with the decision. One word of this getting out to anyone and both Zana and Talus would be facing the hangmans noose.

"Can we ever be fully happy like this though? What if we ended up having children, Sloan? What if they had my gifts and I had to be the one to take them to ... to that place?" her throat tightened at the mere thought of it. She believed Luana would protect them for the most part, if only because they wouldn't want to lose Zana, but they would do that they believed they thought best for their development and that tended to be harsh.

Finally she tossed the stone for Grey.

"I've seen a future where it's possible, Sloan. Where... where Dreadlords could have more freedoms. Be given the same rights as citizens."

 

[Sloan]

A long sigh escaped her lungs. Sloan's entire life had been devoted to being the best she could be. She was born to be a dreadlord, she'd never complained about her training, each time she'd been beaten down she got up and tried again until she got it right. It was her ambition to climb the ranks and one day become an archon. It'd been the only goal she'd ever known.

But how could she argue with Zana's point? She couldn't expect her to have the same ambitions, she couldn't expect her not to want the things that every other human in Vel Anir was afforded. Sloan's brow furrowed and her eyes grew distant as she cast her mind back to Zana's training, how terribly she'd felt and how it'd broken her heart to see the child looking back at her so desperately and how helpless she'd felt. She wouldn't have wished the pain of that helplessness on anyone, especially not Zana, she'd suffered enough.

"You're an adult now, Zana. I can't tell you what to do. But you're playing a dangerous game and I don't want to see you hurt. That's all... Children are.." she huffed, and rubbed at her temples. "They're not a good idea, Zana, not for us.." . She looked down to hide the pain in her eyes, but she knew it was seeping out the more stressed she felt.

Sloan was silent for a moment as she replayed Zana's words in her mind, and she was fighting with herself, trying to keep the question locked behind her teeth but she huffed and looked up.. "What have you seen?..." her slender brow arched.

 

[Zana]

Zana threw one last stone and then slowly waded her way back to the riverbank to sit beside Sloan. The sun beat down on them and soon her legs were as dry as though she had never been in the river in the first place. She drew her knees up to her chest and then wrapped her arms around her legs and hugged herself. Her words were not hurtful, they were similar to Zana's own thoughts but there was only so much herbs and spells could do when it came to biology.

"I am being careful..." there was a slight pink tinge to her cheeks as she passed comment on that part of the conversation before clearing her throat abruptly and moving on. "I saw the Houses without power, or at least, not as they are now. The Dreadlords were a part of the army instead of Houses so that there was no more... power play. And they had the same rights as everyone else. And the children..." she sucked in a breath and looked to Sloan with her slightly misted eyes which were the only indication she was seeing that future right now. "The Academy was completely reformed, children went to school there like the normal children go to their schools. Parents picked them up at the end of the day... they... they were happy."

The white mists released her and her eyes returned to the unsettling pale green, far too light for her darker complexion that spoke of her Northern heritage.

 

[Sloan]

Sloan did not want to have that conversation, she didn't want to know, and so she completely ignored the awkward assurance and cleared her throat at the same time Zana did. Her jaw did clench however, and she tried to push down that murderous maternal instinct..

She listened to Zana's vision, her dark eyes narrowing as she tried to imagine that sort of world. It was almost impossible to imagine at all, but she knew Zana's gifts and she knew she was seeing it as she spoke. Perhaps it could happen.. Selfishly she thought for a brief moment of what that could mean for her. Could she still be an archon if they no longer belonged to houses? But she found Zana's wish for a happy life was more important to her, and she sighed deeply as that realisation struck her. She'd give it all up for her and she knew it.

"Alright...." was all she said for a long moment and a quiet huff confirmed her resignation.. "Then how do we arrive at this, more peaceful life you've seen without dying in the process?.. How do we rise up against the houses and then coexist peacefully after a rebellion?.." her brow arched.

 

[Zana]

Zana grimaced. She knew that tone far too well. Her eyes drifted away from Sloan to rest once more on the wolf who was now laid down in the shallows of the river, his face almost submerged as he tried to keep cool in the baking summer day. Sloan wanted the battle plan, wanted to hear the step by step guide to the garden of heaven, and Zana didn't have it. Not yet. Not all of it anyway.

"The Guard," she couldn't reveal too much of course - just in case Sloan did decide to betray her. Zana glanced once to her then down at her hands. "The war with the Empire is coming and after that the Houses will be weak, the Guard will have the most control of the city post battle and if the Dreadlords side with them... if enough of us side with them they can take the city from the Houses," Zana took a deep breath and then let it out and looked up at the sky. The blue was never ending. No cloud to be seen for miles, but no birds wings darkened them either.

They were entirely alone.

"The Dreadlords will get to pick which part of the army they want to be in, just like any other soldier. And they will have the same rights, some might even wish to retire. You know Leona? In my vision she has a little flower shop," her lips held the faintest of traces of a smile as she looked back to Sloan.

 

[Sloan]

Sloan listened with an unreadable expression, her lips pressed tightly and her eyes fixed intently on the woman. What she felt was fear, fear that her daughter was meddling in dangerous business, fear that she'd be found out as a conspirator against the city and what they'd do to her if they found out.. She rolled her eyes at the thought of a dreadlord having a flower shop and her head shook as she drew her eyes away from her..

"I can't believe we are talking about this.." she muttered into her hands as she rubbed her face and raked her fingers back into her hair, gripping it tightly. "How many have you spoken to, Zana?.. I know there are many who would love nothing more than to rebel but.. You need to be careful, so careful with this.." she looked back at her, her fear no longer masked.

 

[Zana]

"Nobody, Mama," Zana looked down at her hands which sat fisted in her lap. She didn't want Sloan to be afraid - not for herself nor for Zana. A silence grew between them as both women focused on their own emotions; their thoughts and fears, their hesitant hopes. She might not have spoken to anyone yet but they both knew if she wanted her vision to come true then she was going to have to start broaching the subject with some of them soon. After a while she took a deep breath and continued.

"Talus is the only one. He was with me when I had the vision," she hadn't been able to hide it. "But I didn't want to talk to anyone else before I spoke to you about it. I'm... I'm scared. What if I have it again with I'm with Cain?" her whole face tightened and went ashen grey with fear at mention of the man who had been her personal boogeymonster since the age of 10.

 

[Sloan]

Sloan gave a soft sigh and nodded, taking at least a little comfort in knowing she was being careful about this vision of hers. Sloan sneered as Zana spoke of Brackard and her head shook.. "He's just a man, Zana..A crippled, bitter old man." she looked back at her.. "If this vision of yours is truly what will come to pass, if this better life is possible then he is the first thing that you have to overcome.

"He will never harm you again.." she narrowed her gaze.. "Let me worry about Brackard Cain." she huffed, trying to push down the overwhelming wave of guilt that crushed at her chest every time she felt Zana's fear of the man and knowing she hadn't been able to prevent it.

"I will help you. Where I can.. Just tell me what has to be done... I suppose it is my turn to follow you." she offered a proud but solemn smile at her daughter.

 

[Zana]

Zana stared at her mother dumbfounded for a brief moment. After Sloan's initial outburst she hadn't thought she would be so easy to convert to the cause. She had even begun to think about the possibility she would have had to kill her; she had promised as much to the Guard Generals for the Dreadlords who did not fall in line. They couldn't be trusted to left to roam the world free. Either they would cause mayhem elsewhere which could come back to Vel'Anir or they would fight, constantly. Zana was fully prepared to be the executioner of her people.

Relief flooded her. Sloan was the one person she didn't think she would be able to kill.

Zana threw her arms around her mother and pulled her into a tight hug, her eyes squeezing shut and letting out a breath she hadn't realised she had been holding.

"Thank you."

 

[Sloan]

Sloan blinked at the hug having not expected it, but her tension eased quickly and a rare, warm smile brightened her stony features. Zana was the only person she'd hugged in her life aside from her brother, she'd never cared about anyone else enough to show that side of herself, but she could never deny her daughter or herself the warmth that they needed, living as cruel a life as they did. Her arms tightened around her and she sighed at her thanks.

She didn't feel she had much of a choice. Zana was involved in this, whether she liked it or not. She had seen what she had seen and she knew the woman would be hell bent on making it a reality. Zana was quite literally the only person alive that Sloan would not fight, and so her side was always with her.

"Just please be careful." she frowned and pressed a kiss to Zana's cheek intent on expressing all of the emotions she struggled to express with words.

 

[Zana]

"Always."

Especially now Zana had something more to live for, someone more to live for. There was an new energy to her that just hadn't been there for quite some time. She had stopped giving up on her situation, stopped giving up on life in general. There was a slight blink when Sloan kissed her cheek but after a second of hesitation she returned the gesture much like she used to do when she was little and smiled hesitantly instead at her mother figure.

"I never thanked you all these years for keeping me a little bit human, I don't think I would have been able... to find this happiness if you hadn't."

 

[Sloan]

Sloan's stoic expression softened and she let out a huff of a laugh at Zana's thanks, her head shaking in amusement as she reached to curl a lock of the young woman's hair behind her ear. "Hush now, you'll ruin my reputation of emotionless bitch..." she mused with a wicked smirk, but it fell shortly after as she studied her, admiring the beautiful and strong woman she'd become.

"In truth.. You saved me, Zana." she frowned softly. Sloan wasn't much in the habit of opening up like this, but she had a feeling that everything was about to change and they were about to face an uphill battle. Zana would be the only person she'd ever express any sort of true thoughts and emotions to.

"After my brother was killed I didn't want to live. The only other person I believed that I cared for didn't care for me. I felt.. alone. Abandoned and without any real care for my job or my life. And one day, they brought you to me and told me that you were my responsibility. I resisted at first.. I didn't want to be responsible for anything, I failed to protect my brother.. I failed to protect Brackard. I thought I'd only fail to protect you too. And I did." she frowned and looked down, her eyes welling with tears she'd rather not allow the woman to see.

"But despite my failures you are strong, and I'm glad you're happy." she nodded.

 

[Zana]

Zana blinked at her.

"You didn't fail me."

Had Sloan thought that for the past 15 years? Gently she took the other womans hands in her own with a frown beginning to mar her perfect brow.

"I have never once thought you were to blame for what they did... what they do to me in that room. You were the only reason I managed to walk out of there every time, the only reason I managed to stay strong enough. It was for you... because I could feel you every time. How upset it made you and how you wanted me to be strong," Zana gave a lopsided, sad smile. It was a situation neither of them had ever enjoyed but it had brought them together in an odd way, at least she had always felt so.

"The trips afterwards when you would take me to ride... or brought me here to swim... or gave me some chocolate - that all kept me going."